Even more insecure thoughts

Still trying to figure out why I feel sad. So I can sleep lol.

Maybe because at that moment it kind of snapped me back to the reality that someday things will eventually end?

Once school starts, that's it then. The brief moment of fun and happiness that cannot be put in hold will end, and all that will be left is another memory to slowly erase.

It just feels like everything is really for nothing at the end of the day if the person is going to leave eventually.

I'd rather not taste the happiness then.

More stupid insecurities?

I mean, I know it's probably just over thinking and stupid petty insecurities but today really felt as though you don't really care? Like, I know I'm wrong, I know I'm probably being overly sensitive. But it still feels as though I'm the only one being stupidly into this now. And I just hate what I'm turning into again like ffs.

Maybe people just busy today and I'm being petty and demanding la. Being so selfish. Tsk. Er. Snap out of your sissy world can anot.

Or maybe it's just the mood swings. Which I really want to share and just whine about. But I don't even think you'd bother about it. So there's no point, right? What's wrong with me. Can't even handle a little cramps alone.

I should just change the title of this blog to "Get a grip" since everytime I'm here I tell myself that.

Get a grip can.

Another thing to wish for

Like being better at comforting people. How do people do that? I don't get it, but I wish I knew how.

Still not enough

Why does it still feel like I'm not good enough at anything. Is it just not enough effort. Am I not trying hard enough. Is that why. How to try harder. Idk. Maybe just meant to be a mediocre person in life bah. Everything also suck.

I want out.

Really leh. I hate Sundays. I hate this whole shit. Can't even access my house toilet because dear guest-lady is over and they're, I don't know, sleeping late today?

Am I being angsty because I have to move again today or because of recent developments in life? I mean part of me knows the answer and ffs Er get a fucking grip. I don't like feeling this dependant and being this moody for no good reason.

Okay. The weather's good today, I have work to get done, and screw the budget I can eat grass the rest of the week. I refuse to stay like this on a beautiful Sunday.

Also, they're awake, yay. Nope I don't think I'll have brekkie with them, no thank you. My father's all yours lady.

Miss those fluffballs

Feels like I've been dreaming about keeping pets again a lot. Damnit I need my furballs again. Need to start scheming/planning when can I keep one again. Rabbit, dog, both, I don't care man I want some cuteness and fluff in my life again t.t

But everyone looks older than you

So my dad was asking me if my friend's father is about his age or older, and I replied, "He looks older, but everyone looks older than you so."

And this father of mine just let out a hearty "HAHAHA, of course HAHAHA!"

... My father. HAHA. The best natural combatant to aging is squash and running for 30 years.

...

Are you serious? Each and every one of you wants me to be friends with him again. Right. Sure.

Two places

There're definitely benefits to it.

But can I also say how sick I am of moving up and down.

Could be just poor (really poor) planning on my part. Probably.

But this is ridiculous la.

I just want to sit down with my pencils and paper for a day.

I supposed friends do articulate it better. The time and space to properly heal, why didn't that cross my mind? Thanks YL, haha, I really do feel better after talking to you.

Come to think of it, this is like code-switching isn't it haha, dominant langs and all.

Okay enough nerd, enough emo. Who knows who set the bridge on fire but what's done is done. Onwards, as YL said.

Why is it that even a year after I'm still shedding tears over things related to this shit.

Why does it always seem like I'm the one at fault here. Did I really do something wrong?

Why is it that I can't do anything right with this.

What am I sad about?

It's here. The insecurities are all around again. What's going on. Why are they back. Go away. I don't want to deal with you anymore. Why does everything seem so dark and gloomy. I don't want this. Go away.

Let me study in peace.

How are you supposed to respond when your mother's 心事 is to die early?

What are you supposed to say when your mother says she doesn't plan on being there for you after a certain age?

Nod and say, "Sure thing mom."?

Or maybe I'm just not mature enough to respond to her problems like a peer.

No. Because all I can do sit there and cry at the thought that my mom doesn't plan on being there for as long as possible.

Running away

I like running away from things.

That way, I don't have to face them.

Tuition and others

Tsk Walao sibei angsty leh.

Tmr class at first say don't have, then later change and say have so now is 1-430pm.

Ya la. Is just me la. But I don't like such last min changes here and there like, make up your mind and tell me can? Don't last min want change here change there.

Doesn't help that sigh I've been eating so much recently, suddenly everyone I'm with wants to eat desserts and my fat self just can't say no so there we go extreme guilt is settling in.

I can't take it leh. I'm really hating my body right now. I don't like how it feels. I don't like it at all.

Need to drag myself out and feel healthier again. Really cannot take it. Everything feels horrible. My internal systems feel like dying everytime I ingest something sweet. Feel like hurling when I think about it.

Oh man. I don't like being like this la. I want to enjoy my food and life. Stop being so whiny and weak can anot Er.

Gah I really hate myself. Why did I do this to myself, oh goddess.

Why didn't I start earlier? Why didn't I have more discipline? Why am I still here typing and not memorising?

And all the junk food that I've been eating. I'm starting to hate my body so much again. I mean, like hell yeah I love eating all those food but, damn it. I don't like the consequences. I need to exercise soon. I don't like myself like this. I hate myself like this.

On the bright side, one paper down! Just 2 more to go.

Privatisation

Yeah, so I was wondering if I should actually private this blog. 

Surely you weren't thinking that I was going to go political or talk business, were you? xD Puh-leese. 

So back to the matter on hand. I mean, it's not like anyone has been viewing this from the beginning, so there really isn't much difference with privating it or not. If that's the case, though, then why so hesitant? 

I don't get myself, haha. Damn it. I mean, okay. I've always figured that if I was going to put something on the internet, no point trying to do privacy settings because if I really didn't want anyone to see this, it'll be in my diary. 

Although, this is really a lot less strenuous for the hand. Damn, how lazy have I gotten? As though typing assignments all semester wasn't enough. 

So. 

Okay. 

I don't know. 

Hahahaha. 

EL2111 exam tomorrow morning. Am I prepared for it? Hell no. I really just gave up halfway. So. Good luck to me tomorrow hahahaha. 

On the bright side, in less than errr. 12? hours, I WILL BE DONE WITH PETER'S MOD. 

I can do this! 

EL2111

I have never felt so much resistance, hatred and annoyance for one module as I have studying for this exam.

Less than 24 hrs before I get properly screwed by this mod.

MEH

I'm so bored right now.

From studying.

HAHAHA.

So.

Simultaneous bilinguals have increased bilateral activation, while sequential bilinguals experience more lateralisation on the left side of the brain for both languages. Is it? Let me check my notes.

Okay. HAHA.

I'm so screwed.

I don't know man. 

Me and my half-assed memory work.

Legit just gonna go in and wing everything sia.

Okay. Let me continue trying to study,

This is horrifying.

Hahahahaha.

Uhm

I'm .... I'm a bit worried.

What am I doing?

I wanted to talk to my friend about this like, two? weeks ago. Because I don't think I'm doing this right.

But just nice that day some stuff came up and we couldn't meet. And after all, school hell continued plus exams are right around the corner so there's no way I can bring this up anymore.

Still...

I... Don't think I'm doing this right. And honestly, come to think of it, I should stop. Why didn't I? SX was like, "Well there's only one reason for continuing talking to him right?"

Is it really? I didn't think so leh. Or am I just being oblivious? No leh. I know myself well enough to know if I'm trying to fake myself or not. Right?

So many questions, haha.

Perhaps it was thoughtless of me. To continue the way I did, or am, actually.

But .... Okay. If I wasn't, I would've shunned avoided blocked etc etc? Well. I suppose to a certain extent that's true. But it's not like, I mean, これは友達だよ！それに、いい友達よ！こんなのことはとてもnot worth it だよ！

So many 'but's.

Is it selfish of me? I think I was being really selfish. What kind of impression have I given? What kind of hopes? What have I been doing? 做人不可以这样的彦娥，是不可以的!

これからどうする？そのままにする？このままじゃ it'll be too late...

Why like that. 为何啊。 　

This is not working out

One whole damn afternoon on one chapter? Something not right.

Why the hell is this chapter so long.

Walao eh.

Last bilingualism class

I love Prof Starr. I really do. Her classes are really interesting.

But why.

Why oh why is it that every week when I look up at the clock after feeling like I've paid so much attention, it's only 15-20mins into her lesson.

I swear. I really love her class okay. Or more like her mod. But good hell her lessons always feel longer than an hour and half!

Okay, I should really be trying to pay more attention.

A persistent thought lingers at the back of my mind, murmuring to me at every waking moment that I'm not going to make it.

I can see all the deadlines and tests running at me like an elephant on a mad rampage, and it's pretty horrifying. Friday. I just need to hold out till Friday. Although I would love to finish that essay before Friday, at the rate I'm going, that's not going to happen.

...

Why is this guy standing so close to me on the train? It's not that crowded. Can he like, take on step to the left or something. I already taking this corner okay, can you get a sense of personal space and fk off a bit further.

Tsk. Angsty already.

Okay, that was rude, but I'm just going to leave it there since that was what went through my mind. Whatever. I'm not moving from my space. This corner is mine for the ride.

Oh well.

Must be more disciplined this week. And when everything is over and done with, I can finally sleep peacefully.

Studying for the finals is going to feel so much better after all this. Or at least, I hope it'll be.

I'm so dead

Tues morning: Tutorial presentation.
Tues afternoon: Japanese 1 min presentation of which I have yet to memorise, and kaiwa of which I also have yet to memorise.

Wednesday: Japanese oral, the first part of which I have yet again to memorise

Thursday: Japanese finals. I haven't even done the webcast for the final lesson, need I say more? At least I'm done with the assignments for Contact class.

Friday: Bilingual essay due. Which I'm typing now but decided to take a mini break because I'm freaking hell panicking.

Dead, so dead this time.

Tehing Daddy

Because I'm too lazy to type it down 

Honestly, it's not something to feel upset about.

Which means, it's probably just the ego talking.

But I guess I'll let the ego run its mouth here in the name of 'outlet'.

Actually, I also don't know leh. Back then, did I turn to anyone?

Well, I suppose back in lower sec, Sarah was always there to listen. Her timing was extraordinary, every time she asked me about them, it'd always be on a Monday morning which, you know what that means! They quarreled on Sunday!

Yeah, but no, that's not the point.

When I think about how my friend might be going through the whole stupid procedure, and I know it must be way worse if it involves the court and all, that stupid image of the lift lobby at Chinatown Point keeps flashing in my mind.

And I get so scared and worried, what if it escalates to that?

It's so weird, it's not even say my family or anything, which means I'm just being kpo. But I really really hope whatever it is, it's not anything like that. I had the luxury of skipping out on so many lawyer meetings. But he has to go through them all? I can't even imagine. I just really really hope it turns out alright at the end of today. I don't want him to experience that, I mean, no one should have to.

Look at my thoughts running around and trailing off! It's been all over the place recently.

Sometimes, I wonder. Am I used to it that its absence feels weird? I'm weird.

And sometimes, I just feel like abandoning everything and running off. Like now, although that's partially due to my schoolwork, haha.

Okay, the thoughts are running everywhere and making no sense again. I'd better return to biling if I'm to complete that essay on time.

Tsk

I'm like, thoroughly heartbroken with this game okay I tell you.

Walao eh why! I don't want the last person standing to be this person!

Thinking about talents again

I realised just as I was about to start typing this post.

I've never really come to terms with my lack or ability.

Or more like, I've been running away from admitting it to myself that I am a talentless person with no abilities to her name.

There, I've said it. In fact, I've said it countless and countless of times to myself, but I guess I've never really tried or wanted to accept this.

Why would I want to? It sucks. Knowing the fact feels horrible enough, but accepting it feels like it'll be permanent. Although, if I don't have the talent or ability for something, chances are it is permanent so ... I don't know what I'm expecting.

Yet, I really want to just accept it. I don't want to be jealous of others, envious or whichever. I hate that feeling. Maybe it's just the pride talking?

But it really sucks.

It's not like I can't do things, sure I love my art and craft and drawing, sure I can plonk out a few memorised tunes on the piano and blow out some shaky notes on the ocarina.

But skill? Creativity? There honestly isn't any.

I can't match colours to save my life. Can't improvise on the piano. Can't play computer games well either.

It seems like everything I love doing, I can't do well at it. Mediocre at best.

Then, I suppose I should ask myself, what's the point of being good at those hobbies then? Aren't hobbies for your own personal enjoyment?

I just want to be good at something. I'm quite sick of being sucky at so many things.

Maybe it's because I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm not thinking hard enough. Not enough effort. Quite possible since I have no willpower.

So, what now? Can I still enjoy everything, despite being terrible and mediocre in life?

Hahaha, it's like having nothing to my name.

Why the hell am I so concerned about this? I don't want to be concerned about this.

Maybe it's because every time I pick up the pencil to draw, I think about giving up that hobby. Every time I try to play a song, I wonder why do I still try when even after 7 years, I still can't master that one piece. And ironically, that song is called Passion. HAHA. Passion.

Where am I going with all this?

I don't know leh.

But, even after all that, I miss drawing and playing the piano so so so much.

Damnit.

The three card switch switch game

My proudest, best and probably the only time I'll pull off a bomb like this.

I mean, he did give me a Queen too but hey, it's worth the two Kings!

Week 12, and we're (or at least I'm) still procrastinating hard.

We can do this!

P.S. Wow, angsty mood swing much over the weekends? Glad to be back to normal.

Mood swings?

Is it mood swing, or am I just getting short tempered with the stress and everything?

Because I'm getting really really frustrated to the point of anger at being forced to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner for some reason. No, not the nice friend reminding me not to skip meals. That's being considerate. I'm thinking more of how my own plans for skipping dinner is being overrun by my dad's plans to keep feeding me.

I mean ya la, ungrateful much, Er? Your parents love and care for you so much.

But good lord and goddess I'm going to gain so much weight at this rate. Is that what this is about?

Meh. I had plans for a nice long run later today to the seaside too. Wonder if that'll ever come to fruition.

In the morning?

Beer??? In the morning? Good hell these men are weird.

Dad, I really can't hold my breath for much longer and the guy next to us is just puffing out second hand smoke like hogwarts express. I really don't want to ruin my lungs on top of everything else.

Good goddess he just snubbed the damn cigarette. Which would be great if the can wasn't so close to me. DADDY HURRY UP WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING ON THE PHONE CAN ANOT I WANT TO GO HOME AND DIE.

Wah they really drinking beer leh. YES YES. What? Go Sheng siong? Daddy I want to go home.

Buy stuff to cook for lunch? I have no appetite anymore leh.

To be honest I don't have the mood or energy for anything anymore. I don't know if it's school or what, but I give up.

I can't do it anymore.

Wow that took a turn real quick.

Okay bye.

Why am I waking up with headaches everyday? It was a good sleep what. Nice, slightly interrupted but still good. It's not like the sun's shining death in my face, so there's really no reason for the headache.

Dreamt of Leslie's class again. This is insane, look, I love his teaching but his classes are absolute nightmares. I really don't need it in my dreams.....

After my mind became full awake, I checked and yup, still mad at myself. This is horrible. I know I'm just making things difficult for myself and stirring up self drama at this point which really needs to stop but I'm not really sure how.

I thought I knew how to clear the mind of bad thoughts, but I guess I don't. So err what now?

Nopenopenope it's not working its not working its not working nothing's working

It's like a coffee crash, a really bad one.

Get a grip Er, get a grip.

I finally got it!

WAY TO GO LA ER You're an absolute idiot, that's what you are.

Yeahh.... no ...

TSK.

ER.

Can you get a grip anot.

Telling myself this every week but seriously 够了hor, enough is enough.

TSK I don't like being like that la. Walao eh girl.

And IVLE isn't loading again. Why huh. Just when I'm determined to complete this shit.

TSK. TSK. GAH.

Can I just disappear from the face of this world seriously.

I'm so frustrated at myself and so sad at the same time UGH I cannot take it TSK.

I don't know what to do with myself right now la ugh. It's just not disappearing from the back of my mind!!! Can you just, go away disappear poof be gone let me be! 

I do not like myself, why am I doing this to myself.

それに、ちょっと寂しくなるんだな。なんか、友達がなくなったの感じ。どうしてこんなの？どうすればいいのかなぁ。また一人になるねぇ。あの間に楽しかったねぇ。でもこれからはたぶん。。。私はばかだなぁ．

I'm really stupid, aren't I?

I think it's been about a month?

Yeah, I think so.

Hello, left hand. You're supposed to be getting better. Why the sudden strain again? I need you for my last push before we break for the exams.

I appreciate being able to play my instruments again, but is it too much to ask for you to get better and not have weird strains again ^.^"

Annoying sia. But okay, it is getting better so I don't complain so much.

Woke up wondering if I dreamt it up but nooope nope nope nope I didn't

Yesterday the bus took so long to come.

Today the bus come earlier.

Both also miss la.

Walao eh.

I know la, cannot ask so much from bus right. Don't be so ji jiao right. But walao eh.

Just nice I really need to take that bus leh.

Today is just a bad day la.

I know she doesn't mean anything by it, and it's also my fault for not doing more for the facilitation, but what...? I mean.

Gah. Forget it.

Let's just have a decent facilitation and get it over with.

Wednesday morning

This. This is not a very good morning okay. 为何这样呢。

First. In the Liar phone game, the guy I had to call out was like, my second favorite in the game!!!!! Voltage how can you do this to me T.T

I was so heartbroken during the train ride to school. Heartbroken I tell you. Even the alternate ending where she ends up with him was enough. Good hell I hope she doesn't end up with the other guy, he's so cocky, arrogant and annoying.

Then after that, when I reached the bus stop at Buona, I took out my phone to check for bus 95's timing (it was 9.08am) only to see that it'll only arrive in like, 12 (?) minutes.

Walao. Then macam I come school normal time no meh. Also not much time to print notes. Why they like that. Annoying leh.

Then, just as the bus arrived, I got a message from my Japanese language classmate. Asking about the date of the final test. I replied, "I think it's week 13" but just I sent it, she continued saying that the notes uploaded for tmr's lecture said its next week.

I'm just.

Next week???? Nonono not happening.

What?!

Oh come on!

It's got to be a typo. Please. Please be a typo.

Sigh. Definitely not the best way to start the morning.

On the bright side, at least I'm awake and not out dead tired!

会話

会話を覚えないとけど。。。ぐだぐだすぎる。

寝たいなあ。どうするの？

I may need to sleep for a whole week straight when this is over with. Why do I do this to myself? The struggle is so real.

There was a week Charlene asked me when my hell week was. I didn't bother checking, I mean, on hindsight I probably should have.

I think I've found it. Yay! Isn't that wonderful. Now what?

I think 今晩プロッジェクト終わらないと。。。でもたぶんできないと思うなあ。

とにかく、頑張ってね! 

It's only 11.48pm

To be honest, I'm trying really, really hard to convince myself that I'm not hungry.

I didn't have breakfast or dinner today, and it's really too late have eat a full meal now. I ate some biscuits to try and quell the hunger pangs but I think all that did was activate the stomach ><.

Would love to knock out and sleep now. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, ended up sleeping at 5am because of the damn mosquito and had to get up at 9am.

But no, I still have slides to do, essay to write and Japanese dialogue to memorise.

All I really want to do is just lie down and sleep though.

Sleep?

Sleep is for the privileged few who have no more assignments to rush T.T Sadly, I'm not one of them. By my own fault of course, sigh. Wherefore art thou, time management skills?

Shu xin and I went a little crazy doing EL 2111's project today though, which was pretty hilarious xD. We were both so tired but pushing through that we started quoting Shakespeare to each other. Even on the way home in the train, what has EL done to us?

I found my favorite line in Shakespeare, or lines maybe. I swear, the part we chose for analysis is amazing HAHA.

1243: And will you rent our ancient love asunder

To join with men, in scorning your poor friend?

I don't remember the line number of the next one, but here goes:

I am amazed at your words. I scorn you not. It seems that you scorn me.

I don't know if I've remembered them accurately, or if I've spelt them right since this project is messing with my spelling oops.

I guess we've entered the somewhat dark side of historical linguistics huh?

Can you believe it? I chose to study this xD.

Need to sleep le

It's 3.35am and I'm going to bed only because I have to be in school tomorrow to complete another project. I mean, I would continue doing this project, hell, I would totally just go at it non-stop if I didn't have to go to school tomorrow.

The coffee must have been pretty powerful for me to still be okay to go on sia. But unfortunately, I need to be awake tomorrow. So. Sleep it is.

I honestly still have no idea how I'm going to structure this research paper. I feel really bad that my prof will have to read it T.T I don't even know like half the terms I'm using, or attempting to use!

At least, one pragmatic meaning down and five(?) more to go.

Breathe Er breathe.

It'll be okay ya.

Everything will be fine.

Your stomach will not give up on you tonight. You're just feeling nervous for god knows what reason.

You will be able to finish some stuff for contact.

Okay, it's all good.

Yup.

Like that also can dream

Not that this was a bad dream, or that I've never had worse but this was definitely not a good way to wake up.

Dreamt that everyone was talking about some lego (lego?!) homework that I wasn't aware of and I wanted to look at it so badly but apparently then sun was shining so brightly that I couldn't see (blame the sun in real life for shining on my face, I want to change my bed's position!) so I tried ridiculously hard to open my eyes and see something (actually come to think of it, I was sleeping so no wonder cannot open eyes) but nooooo could barely see anything until I finally realized I was dreaming and forced myself to wake up. (and that is one whole sentence~)

Which means I have a headache now sigh.

I want to sleep more.

Eh you know, somehow even in my dreams, Adam's the only person who'll help me when I'm in trouble. I should meet up with him again once this mess of a semester is over and see how he's doing. I miss having him around in class sia.

Okay, I should do some work after breakfast to feel less guilty about it.

Collarbones

Sigh. Really glad I got reminded of this place. Otherwise, I'll end up bothering my friend with my useless, mindless chatter. At least here it'll just be me entertaining myself huhuhu.

So like, seductive collarbones?

I swear that's what the story wrote.

Collarbones? Seductive?

The writer sure has some weird fetishes.

Story commentary never stops

In the end, I chose to sleep, but the moment I laid down this is what I started doing.

Er ah, Er. Where is your discipline?

Anyway. Unspeakable fury? You're not alone in that my dear.

Confess already can?

Hello my good friend procrastination

I'm sleepy. Tired. And for some goddamn reason my back has been aching these past few days. What did I do? Feel so old like this. Can you stop aching? My period is over, the backaches are supposed to be during the period, not after damnit. Can this body of mine just freaking function normally or not.

Anyway, after being reminded of the existence of my dear old blog, it has become a site of procrastination in the name of improving English writing.

Hah.

So obviously, the only reason I'm here typing and not doing my work is because procrastination there is so much I can't wait to share with the world~!

Pfft.

Also, the real question is to drink or not to drink that last can of Boss coffee in the fridge. I somehow doubt that it'll wake me up, and I really don't want to end up associating that gorgeous drink with late night chiongings. Nescafe can tank that job, but Boss coffee is sacred.

I mean, I did finish most of the book report just now for Japanese. It counts as work, right? Maybe if I finish the kanji writings I'll feel like I've done more work. Okay I'll get to it now, then maybe clear some of the clothes on the bed and sleep.

Sigh.

By the way, I really don't see how money motivates people, because that motivation for me is just about squeezed dry. Almost hitting the point where yeah, I'd rather starve, you know.

Just hang in there, Er.

月

Tonight is a night of natural wonders indeed, for the gorgeous, yellow moon has graced my night with its presence.

Although, since my fascination is with the sky, perhaps this may seem simple and mundane to others.

Nonetheless, it hangs low in the sky, its quiet yellow hue contrasted by the dull, grey blue sky.

And yet, it's the most majestic thing I've seen all month.

Okay dinner time!

Grey clouds

I noticed it the moment I stepped out of the mall.

The sky, usually a bright, soft blue, was now overcast. I stopped in my tracks, stood and lifted my face to the clouds.

The wind carried with it a hint of rain, just a tiny bit, but after years of searching and sniffing for the rain, its scent was unmistakable.

The words 'overcast' and 'gloomy' usually go hand and hand, but it felt anything but.

It was one of those moments, you know? The kind that only the sky can create by just being itself.

The kind that makes me feel happy to just be alive in that moment.

雨が来るよ。

Even more story commentary

Okay I promise, I swear to myself I'll stop after this. I really need go do some work before... Work... Heh.

What is wrong with this second male lead? Running everywhere to every girl but the one he loves and the one that loves him!

Can they all just.... get it together and happily ever after?! I need to get on with my life and stop chasing his dumb drama sobs.

More story commentary

I should really stop, I have work to do. But this is really addictive!

The woman in this story is so freaking messed up like hello, priorities?

Or just plain selfish, actually.

Wrong her own cousin and end up forcing her into some arranged marriage then cause her to fall out with the guy she really likes, but still more concerned that she won't be able to get close to the other guy if she tells the truth and apologizes???

I feel like I've been saying this alot recently, but GET A GRIP GIRL.

Story commentary

Are you serious?

That's what you're upset about??

Not being able to act as his lover???

Hello, woman your priorities fly until where already?

Oh! The translator thought the same too! I'M NOT ALONE IN MY JUDGEMENTS.

Did I mention I'm screwed?

I just found out moments ago that I have a book report due for Japanese this coming Wednesday.

Book report? Book report?

I figured we'd just have to write about a book we read etc but my friend just sent me a message asking if just talking about it was fine and I'm just staring at it thinking, "What???"

Talking about it. Script.

Are you telling me that this is an oral book report???

Good holy oreos and coffee cans how did I not know that at all!

...

I just read the instructions.

!@#$ ME.

Present without looking at the script? In English ya can ah but in Japanese how about hell no.

Eh, shit la.

Actually the best part is that I don't fully understand the instructions because it's in Japanese hahahaha.

Die leh. Really die liao le like that.

So .... should I go to bed, or should I carry on tonight?

Last night seems like light years away at this point.

Good hell I am so royally screwed

So normally I would be writing this in my diary, but since the computer is right in front of me now and the diary is somewhere in the shelf above, this wins hands down.

Also, the existence of this blog was reminded to me by a dear friend so I guess this won't die out just yet!

YES am I so (I cursed in my mind and I typed it out but to maintain the non-existent image of my non-cursing self I shall not use it) screwed for this! I wonder if I can still pass this mod at the rate I'm going.

Pragmatics? Syntax? Do I know these??

Good hell I don't know what I'm doing in this major, or actually, what am I doing in university???

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Or studying. GAH. HELP.

Okay, okay. I need to seriously chill before I go into full panic mode and that is not somewhere I want to step into again. Hell no.

BREATHE. Let us just introduce the origin of the word first okay Er. 一步一步来。

Okay. Yup. Everything will be fine, it's all good! ^.^

Watch me run from my essay

Honestly, the only reason I'm back here is because I don't want to do my work I have so much time in this world and I have so many~ things I want to talk about~! 

HAH please. 

Help la. 

I don't know how to do my project leh. 

How you tell me. I'm like, aiming for 2500 words for this but WHERE TO START AIYO. 

Say, 'Feel free to start with your analysis, there is no need for introduction or conclusion,' but then the model papers all got intro and conclusion. So you want one anot? 

TSK. 

Haven't start 就 complain liao. 

...

I miss drawing so much though. It's like, as I'm typing away I can see my unfinished sketch lying just behind me laptop screaming at me to complete it. 

How do people do it? Study, work (work!!!), play (PLAY!!!) and freaking draw!!! 

I can't even juggle one on its own and people can do so many at once? While still getting the right amount of sleep? Am I missing something? 

Oh right. Discipline.  

Oops. 

Which, I clearly lack because if I had a hint of discipline and willpower, I wouldn't be here right now complaining and all that. 

See la girl. Get a grip can or not? 

Sounds like my motto for the next month or so hmm. 

Oh wow~! Look at the time ~. 1.30pm and I've done absolutely nothing~!  

Seriously though, I'm quite screwed. 

... 

Okay. Yeah. I should... at least start on something. 

GAH. 

I want to play. 

In another month-ish or so? 

OH LOOK IT'S THE SECOND LAST DAY OF THE MONTH. YES I will be flush with money again soon. No thanks to my spending habits, why do I keep doing this to myself? 

OKAY BYE I'll stop procrastinating. Although a tea break sounds good about now. 

Hmm. 

Quick reminder Er

It's the memories that you miss, Er. Not the person. Don't forget that okay.

Although in the case of Fluffy, it's really that bitch that I miss. Damn you la Fi. Can you live longer anot? I need your fur therapy. I'm going crazy in school like that you know?

LOL look at how quickly it went from serious to this.

TSK. But I see that first line again I feel disgusted at myself. Walao eh girl. Can you don't so pathetic anot. Little bit thing also want to remember. GET A GRIP CAN.

Okay time to sleep le bah.
GOODNIGHT

Oh, it's 2018!

And with a few blinks of an eye, 2018 has pushed its way through and announced itself. While it may be a little late to reflect on 2017, I suppose maybe I should since it was an eventful year.

Feels like a really really long time ago, yet at the same time it feels like one year flew by just like that. After a disastrous semester in Biz Analytics, I transferred to FASS and hardly looked back. I say hardly because sometimes I just wonder what would have happened if I didn't make the move to transfer, but it's not with regret, of course. And while I have yet to find an answer to 'What you want do next time?', at least I've decided on my major heheh better late than never I say.

Next was the impromptu trip to Hokkaido with Jie that was so incredibly relaxing. Wish I could go with her again someday but she has work now so there goes that dream sigh WHY ADULTHOOD.

Oh. Speaking of adulthood, I too entered that disgusting realm of responsibilities and whatnot. Groan. I'm not ready for this, really. Well, on the up side, I had a really great celebration with my family at SEA aquarium restaurant and the .... sailboat whose name I cannot remember, sorry! Thanks Mom and Dad for giving me the best and delicious celebration ever! ^^ (I feel so corny saying this LOL but I mean it, really.)

After three months of deliciously lazy holiday (where I ended my relationship so, huh awkward) came Year 2 Sem 1 where I regretted my life decision to take Geography. However! I did decently in it so whew. 

Okay, I'm getting lazy to type more.

Had this ridiculous vasovagal(?) syncope(fainting basically) out in public and ended up being brought to the hospital in an ambulance where I stayed in A&E for 4 hours.

Around Christmas time I got the email saying that FASS accepted my application for SEP so cross fingers and hope that the other university gets back to me soon!

For 2018? I hope my 調子(choushi, idk it sounded like a better fit than saying condition but they mean the same I guess) gets better, improve my drawing LOTS LOTS and exercise more more!

Here's to a good year ahead!

今年もお願いします！

Did I use that properly?

Yan Er

Convocation 2017

Not mine, Jie's convocation was yesterday.

Which was really cool, like I can't wait till I get to wear that too!

Or scratch that, wearing that means my days as a student is over and that's really scary.

The highlight, anyway, was the family photo and dinner that night!!!

Now, I could totally get all emotional and teary over how it showed me the things I should have but I don't. But I have a choice to be just ultra happy that it happened and while it is super tempting to fall back into the abyss of sorrow, I shall strive to remain in the warmth of happiness ~.

It was so great and so so so special to have a meal together as a family again. Not that I'd ever want them to get together again, hell no that's a terrible idea. But finally they weren't awkward with each other. The power of my sister's graduation is amazing. XD

I read somewhere that happy families are all alike, but unhappy families are different in their own ways or what not.

I think happy families are happy in their own ways too.

I'm seriously so tired and sick of myself right now. -.-

For goodness sake, it's almost like I'm back to the secondary school age emotionally. -.-

Good lord is this what one lousy breakup does to me? It's amazing my mom got through what she did.

What am I clinging on to?

I'm sick of being so unhappy all the time la.

I just want more than 3 years of feeling normal and happy, is it too much to ask for seriously.

Yeah yeah, smile and the world smiles with you. But smile at what, my misery? Hah. I can at least laugh at that, maybe.

What's wrong with you la girl. Can you wake up or not.

I'll drive myself crazy like this..

8/7/17

The sun has yet to rise, and the air is cool ^^. Weather like that makes everything feel better!

Zzz Insta poison

Aiya very depressing la okay scroll insta see everyone so happy with life and everything like ya I know insta only show the happy sides of their life right but I don't even have photos of happy sides of life now???

All those Oh you're back by my side babe and shit ya totally sour grapes here but srsly zzz it's damn sien to scroll and be happy for them because you know you shouldn't sour grapes but damn it I want nice plump sweet grapes too!

And I know I told myself I will never say fml because life is good as long as you look for it but screw this shit ugh I should I happy with my life but I'm not like what is wrong with me whyyy.

K bye lol -.-

A moment of happiness captured,

Before it all came crumbling down.

Sounds of memory

For a moment, I felt scared. 

It was a familiar feeling, that fear. I knew that it definitely was not what I was thinking, yet deep inside, I couldn't quell that uneasy feeling. 

I could hear from my mother's room raised voices. An upset voice, for sure, mixed with another that clearly reflected the same tone. Just to be sure, I got up and went into her room. Just to be sure. 

"You have something to tell me?" my mother asked. 

"Nope, just wanted to come in," I replied as I settled into her bed, catching up on the conversation. 

I knew it wasn't an argument. I knew that. But for that moment when I heard the voices, I felt transported back in time to before the divorce. Boy, they weren't kidding when they said sounds hold memories too. 

Even then, am I to live with this for the rest of my life?  

Each time on the way home

I just feel like crying these days when I'm on my way home. I don't know if it's just because I'm not handling my time and everything correctly or because I really made a mistake.

I'm just really scared

Every day every night

Just feeling completely defeated.

USS with Ian

I had so much fun today that I didn't want it to end! I wish I could have it all over again, every single minute and moment of it. ^^

Rebellion

We reveled in our acts of rebellion that gave us the illusion of control over our lives.

It's so sad

Ya cos like, ever since secondary school, I kind of don't get invited for anything anymore.

Sounds so ridiculous but really.

Like, in lower sec, one of the girls had a gathering to celebrate her birthday at East coast Park and like almost all the girls were there, including my, I guess clique? But obviously I wasn't.

So apparently something big happened, along the lines of some girl getting rejected by a guy and they were quietly buzzing about it, including my clique, but I was so out of the loop.

Which is a pretty lonely feeling.

Fast forward to seven years later, where I casually check Instagram and I notice my classmates meeting up and posting photos of it every now and then.

It's a small group of them, but still. 

Because I was supposedly closer to them at the start? Or so I thought anyway.

Special birthday posts for them. Random meet ups. All of which just doesn't happen to me.

And it's not like I should be jealous or envious or anything, since I do like staying home by myself too and meeting up with them usually feels weird because I can't follow what they're talking about.

Even so, it feels kinda sad. And lonely.

That even after so many years, nothing much has changed. I'm still sitting on the other side looking over enviously, wondering why am I not there too.

That unknown force

It's amazing how a whole train of thought can go through your mind in literally a split second. 

Just moments ago, I dropped one of my sister's favourite necklace on the escalator just as it was about to end. I quickly picked it up and got off the escalator without damaging the necklace or hurting myself.

Sounds normal enough right?

Immediately after, however, my hands began trembling a little because of what went through my mind and how many emotions I felt within that second.

"Necklace dropped?"

Image of myself putting the necklace in my bag and the reason I did so flashed in my mind.

Brain registered that it's my sister's (favourite) necklace.

Instant panic.

Brain screamed, "JIE'S NECKLACE OHMYGOD SHE WILL KILL ME!!!"

Image of my sister being very upset when she finds out flashed quickly.

Brain also registered that if it goes in, the necklace is history.

Body moved by itself working with the hand and legs to pick up the necklace and step off the escalator without tripping.

HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF.

At that moment, I definitely reacted faster than usual. It was like an unknown force just pushed my down to grab it and move. Is this what desperation feels like?

Anyhow, together with the bad photo submission for my student card, this promises to be a good start to the day. =/

But, how?

I just saw a video on Facebook showing this weirdo stranger asking a girl to follow him and stuff while holding his private area and the comments were so disgusting. 

People were saying things like how she would follow him if he were rich simply because from her accent, one can tell that she's from the Philippines. For goodness sake you idiots. If it were like, a Singaporean Chinese, you wouldn't be saying stuff like that. Racist pricks. 

Other comments were basically saying, "Next time, call for help, don't just video it down." 

Am I the only one watching who feels scared for the poor girl? I mean, it's super easy to just say, "Ask for help," but when it comes down to it, how are we supposed to do it? 

How do you ask the people around you for help? Grab the person nearest to you and say, "That guy is bothering me, help!" 

To even speak up would be difficult for the girl, somehow. The best thing I can think of is to go to the control station and alert the staff there since it feels like the people around wouldn't want to involve themselves in unnecessary trouble. Tis' the Singaporean way of life, huh? 

"Don't want la, someone else will help." 

Forever and always.  

So. Weighed. Down.

This whole talk and stuff about religion playing a part in my life is getting me down.

I'm not sure what it's intended purpose is, but it definitely doesn't seem to be working well for me, even if I'm just barely at the introductory stage. Isn't that the part that's supposed to be the most interesting part of it to draw you in to the religion? I don't know.

I have to keep telling myself that I'm doing it for myself, since that's the way it should be. Maybe if it repeat it often enough, I'll actually start to believe it and it'll come true.

Macfries

I've said this before so many times and I'll say it again.

I'm so not going to touch Mcfries anymore. Ugh that feeling in your stomach after that is just so terrible. For me at least, anyway. It's McCorn if I order a meal next time. XD

Okay okay, unless it's a shaker. Maybe then I'll reconsider. Because seaweed shaker rocks.

Stupid game

It's just a stupid game but I feel so goddamn demoralized from freaking constantly losing cos I've been losing to everyone since like the beginning of time and I just suck at everything and I really hate it like tell me how to enjoy myself when I'm constantly dying even though I'm trying but obviously not enough because I'm still freaking dying and losing in the stupid game like 5-8 freaking times to get a Vista what the freak I'm like world's greatest loser and fail for getting that dumb Vista and every single damn time they want to pvp I always lose like why what the hell and Oh of course I find that do fun, being pounded over again and again of course that's entertaining but of course that's my problem again because I didn't learn well or try hard enough well I'm stupid anyway and I suck in life and I'm dumb so it doesn't really matter now does it and I had a point here I forgot where I was going with this ugh whatever I suck at that stupid game and I'm angry and upset so whatever

-

It's so hard.
Going through wave after wave of conflicting emotions, tearing uncontrollably, then furiously blinking them all back.

Yet nothing I do will bring her back.

Why Oh why

Why is it that those sec school kids can afford a llao llao each on their own while the only times I have ever eaten them are when I'm sharing with a friend and they can be eating that kinda pricey yogurt but I'm trying to find cheap dinners why

Flashback

Pretty tired right now, so I'm tucked into bed and slowly closing my eyes when my sister's piano music drifts into my room.

Gave me a really nostalgic feeling and flashback to a really long time ago when I would be just waking up from naps in the room to the sound of my sister's playing.

From the dim lighting in my room, to the light under my door and the soft playing of music, it's been so long since I last had my sister's music gently wake me, or in this case, lull me to sleep.

Long sentence Oops.

Goodnight.

Really?

Is it like, there's no other option unless I wholly agree with your beliefs? Can there be no compromise?

What does this mean then, I can't talk about my beliefs because you don't like it or believe in it? I can't even share what I feel is important to me with you?

Why am I doing this anyway then. When you expect me to be perfectly open towards yours but you are so closed minded towards mine.

I can, and I will

Too many reality shocks and realisations today. Hearing it and knowing it to be true is just depressing, and it makes you judge every life decision you made up till this day.

Painful as it was, it was a well needed wake up call and I'm glad to have had it. Everything that I was feeling was put into words and finally didn't feel unfounded.

It's tough, and it will be even more so in the future. But when it's time to cross that bridge, I can, and I will. 

I did it!

Yup. I did it. I took the step to ending my annoyance and ... yeah I guess just annoyance to the whole situation.

No point creating needless suffering for yourself, especially when the other party probably doesn't know or care.

So I did it. And I feel a little better. It was pretty petty of me, I know, this whole thing.

Wanted to change the URL but couldn't think of any so meh for the moment.

Till the next time!

Detaching

I can't remember where I read this. But I really wish I did because I think I really need it again.

So many 'I' in that paragraph.

Something along the lines "Learn to recognise those feelings and detach yourself from it"

Nowhere near positive sounding, huh? In fact now that I'm reading it again, it sounds terrible! Emotional detachment? Seriously?

Maybe that's why I'm such a horrible person. Hmm... 

But well, it helped when I needed it to. I mean, it stopped me from entering mindless crushes..  (no offense but well I didn't want to crush on anyone then and it totally helped keep it in check). Helped when I got jealous or angry.

Special exceptions to those moments when detachment just wasn't possible Oops.

Like...  It let me step back and examine those feelings as neutrally as possible. Why am I feeling jealous or angry? Why do I feel inclined to that person?

Although more often than not I'd step back, or run as far as possible, before throwing that feeling away to settle down my emotions.

I know, I know. Running away! The coward's way out! DISHONOUR!

I can hear it all man. 'Learn to control your emotions, running away isn't the answer. One day it'll catch up with you and you'll have to face it eventually. Stand and confront those feelings and make peace with yourself!'

And so on and so forth.  Right? Right??

But right now, I really need to stop those demons from getting hold of me again.

Tch

Yeah I'm a pretty terrible person.

When will I ever learn to be a better person, be less selfish, less angsty and less stupid!

Okay that last one. Idk mann.

Alright maybe less judgemental.

Oh well I guess... 2016 goals?

HAH. As if that would ever happen

Double Standards

Double standards, or am I expecting too much?

Like seriously. I get it that everyone has their own secrets and stuff they don't want to share, but I just can't help but feel as though there's this kind of ... double standards going around and it's starting to annoy me  a lot.

I mean, when people ask me things, I'm always more than happy to share. Right? Even if it's not a straight reply, the answer somehow still finds its way there.

"Must tell me hor!" is usually followed up by an update. I say usually because there're always instances where I genuinely forget or I just don't want to tell you.

So what's my beef? I mean, if there are times where even I don't want to tell people things, surely I must understand that people won't want to tell me things too?

Gosh this is starting to sound more and more petty. But since I'm already halfway through this, oh well.

Well, yeah I get it, there are things people won't want to share.

Double standard comes in when you ask me something and expect me to reply, but when I ask that back to you, you don't want to tell me anything. All day all night, seriously.

I mean come on la. Only reason why I get so annoyed is because we're supposed to be good friends right? Or is it my problem that I pour out all details to you and I shouldn't expect that in return?

Maybe it's really just me who's the problem, yeah? Like, I shouldn't be so open about my stuff and shouldn't expect people to be either.

Honestly. Why ask people questions that you're not prepared to answer yourself?

Okay, whatever. I accept that I'm expecting way too much. Go on with your lives everyone, I guess I'm done ranting. Hey, I even got a reflection out of it! How awesome is that.

BYE.

SO FREAKING ADORABLE OMG

So like I'm walking to the mrt using the new business school and it passes through some part of the engineering school.

So there's this window which I can look in and see some guys doing some work inside the lab and they noticed me looking.

And like obviously these people already planned it because they had placards on their table and quickly held it up pointing at me and giving heart signs?!

It was freaking funny cos the signs said stuff like 'dating 9.5/10'
'you look great today' and stuff and stuff and it was damn funny so I just laughed and like thumbs up them.

The kind of thing that only exists in animes!

When the wind blows

When dreams remain dreams

It's funny, you know?

When we're young, we have so many dreams and aspirations, so many hopes and ambitions.

Yet in the end, how many of us actually end up doing what we said we wanted to do at the age of 12? (it's a random number I picked haha)

I'm actually growing up.  😒

All the stuff I said I wanted to be or do, I never actually did.

Little by little, I'm losing interest in things that once captivated me for hours.

It feels like I'm losing interest in life itself. Everything feels boring. It's almost like there's no meaning to doing anything anymore.

My hobbies aren't fun anymore. My studies feel meaningless. It's like I'm floating by, barely touching reality because I really don't know what's going on and I have little interest to find out.

Everyday it's just wake up, eat, chill, eat, chill, sleep. Basic fundamentals of human life. I barely wake up feeling excited and happy to be alive. If I didn't have someone visiting me almost every morning to look forward to, I wouldn't know what to do waking up at all.

It's like I look around myself sometimes thinking, what am I doing with my life? What am I doing?

Everyone has a plan of some sort. Backup plans even. And I'm just taking it as it goes along.

Okay maybe I'm just sitting bored so I decided to write a post. But I got to go now so that's all for now folks

Tsk this family ah

Fucked up leh you know?

Excuse the language I guess 😒

Xian qi the daughter never see msg cannot video call. For once I try be good and tell Jie talk to dad cos he probably misses you.

Seeing that he favours her more and all right? Makes sense right?

But nooo we both ready to set up for him and he's too lazy to get up and see the daughter he hasn't seen for the past month or so.

Riiiight. So... All he wanted was to show her face to ah mah? For? Are we on good terms with her? Seems like everyone but her knows that that's nowhere near the truth.

Well. You have parents who can't let go of their apron strings, parents who only want to let go of one string, and parents who just can't wait to let them go.

Okay I apologise for the language earlier. As a daughter I shouldn't be so crude describing my family. 

But of course I'm annoyed. Sigh. Okay. Bye.

Before I go off for dinner

I really need to get this off my chest.

It's really saddening. But I shouldn't despair just yet.

Yet, knowing that something like that may sometime in the future hurt everything, it's kinda frustrating.

Unyielding.

Not that it can be anything else.

Like that how? It's so hard. 

Reality again

It's so depressing cos I had so much fun ever overseas in Japan but now I'm back in hazy singapore and damn the caffeine crash is real

See all the project reminders like freaking sian plus I gained weight from overseas like zzz and the worst part is I can't go swim or run to work it off or feel better because of the stupid haze like walao I feel damn fat now lor tsk the trip back to reality us so bad and it's hitting so hard and I'm just really sad now

Oh my goodness what is going on

Why suddenly my life got so much dramarama.

GET A GRIP EVERYONE WE CAN PULL THOUGH LIFE TOGETHER

Why!

Ya like why other girls wear shirt and shorts they still look so feminine and cute and stuff but I wear shirt and shorts it's just lupsup I don't get it

Step deep (warning it's really step one)

As the lids fall shut and the world turns dark, I heave a sigh and submit myself to the swirling currents of my thoughts.

As sleep creeps closer and reaches out to me, will the currents slow and still itself, or drown and consume me?

As dreams are woven by sleep herself, will she choose to line it with silver and gold, and present me an offering of a peaceful night, or will she line it with coal, dark and coarse, rough and unforgiving to torment my wearied mind and deprive it of a good night's rest. 

As day breaks and the sun rises, the waters turn calm and still. Gone are the torrential waves that seek to occupy and consume the mind, gone is sleep, whatever mischief she was up to before, gone is the cold darkness and come light once more.

Yet beneath the surface of the deep blue sea, not too far, merely a hand's reach, there lie the thoughts lurking quietly, biding it's time until night falls once more.

Tell you step deep already. I clap for myself, wah so deep also can post. Thick skin level max 1000 hahahaha. Goodnight everyone ~

Yan Er

Only reason why I'm here is because Internet is down and I'm so damn bored

Exactly as it says above. Freaking Internet. I want my guild wars!

So right now I'm just like staring and stoning into space.

Stoone.

Staare.

I'm really confused.

Sooo confused about everythinggg.

If only I could have those wings I've dreamt of having for years and just fly off somewhere.

Screw all the troubles and worries and mumble jumble.

I don't even know what to think.

Or is it just mood swings, idk man haha.

What to do, what to do?

Well.

What can I say? Awkward moment there.

Having issues part 2 because part 1 too long already

But hey having issues in more ways than  1. Like my internet connectivity. Got problem sia. Hope it's not the bill thing. Anyway. Part 2 right?

And gosh while it's incredibly stupid for me to hope no one sees this when I'm posting it on the world wide web, I still kinda y'know, hope. A bit sensitive you see. 

Anyway. I know that when someone shows you (very happily and excitedly may I add) something they really like or believe in, I'm supposed to listen to the best of my abilities because it matters so much to them.

But man. It's so terribly mean to say this but. Okay. Let's just say. That in a certain Holy ground I will definitely, most definitely a hundred percent fall asleep because well. Yeah.

And it's so horrible of me gosh like I'm so sorry man. And goodness knows I'm not known for my patience, ever.

And (lots of Ands today) while I did try, it was a terrible effort.

Yet at the same time. Part of me was just so uncomfortable. I don't even know why. But it was so uncomfortable. I just didn't know how to respond to it. It's like if someone shows you their drawings, you know the polite response even if you're not interested would be to at least glance at it and pay a small compliment like 'Oh, that's really nice.'

Or like if someone is going on about how great Bach and his music is. You kinda like nod and go along? 'Yeah Yeah, I see. Oh, does it really? I'm completely tone deaf, I guess he must be really great though.'

Polite interest.

But like. What do I do here? Sure, in a better mood I can do most of what I just described. But if they look at you waiting for a response, what am I supposed to say? Something so sensitive like that, seriously the only honest thing I can say without fearing it being offensive is admitting I have no idea what in the world the other person is talking about.

Which.. Did I? I don't remember.

I'm a horrible person and but I guess I deserve this cos it feels like karma is coming after me with a vengeance.

How is this going to work man? I don't get it. I really don't. I don't fault the logic behind it but...  I really don't know what to say.

I hope it works out. I really do. 

Having issues

Always got problems one so what to do? It's like karma coming to bite me in the ass sometimes.

First thing is like.

Eh. Why my guild wars cannot load. No oooo I want to play leh can load anot pleaase. Sigh anyway.

First thing is like you know that realisation that you're so freaking average in life. Like oh everyone has something they can do well in. Some people can game well, some people can sports well (you get what I mean la) some people can art well, cook well, music well, smart well, all the damn talents everywhere.

Then you take a look at yourself.

Wah this guild wars testing my patience. Shall restart comp. Orr. Heh. Orr. Or I could play Sims. Hmm. Okay. Let's load Sims.

Yeah back to looking at myself. Can't game. Enjoy game but honestly suck at it and don't know what I'm doing half the time it's embarrassing. Can't sports well. Just look at... My WiFi signal... Is having issues...  Ugh.

No no that's not what I want you to look at. Although just look at it! Not working.

Anyway. Yeah just look at my cca. Worst player, slowest runner, weakest player, slowest reaction, least improved. It's embarrassing. I love playing it but let's face it, I'm not good enough. Ever.

Then we have art. Yeah people say I can art well. Drawing I guess. But out there, it's mediocre at best. On an average, I guess it's better than nothing.

Music? Sure I can play. But talent? Nope nothing there. Play by ear? Sorry only one hand which is... Pathetic cos what's the point. Express feelings and crap? My music is monotonous. Like my life actually haha.

Yeah and people say I smart well. But social media tells you good grades doesn't mean you're smart, means you're obedient, slave to school system, memory machine. Means you're dumb but happens the system that tests if you're smart or not fits you. Yeah I know, not creative or street smart or anything.

Okay yeah y'all probably thinking, this girl putting herself down on purpose, you have good grades and you complaining? What's your issue?! You can draw and you can play the piano? I can't even do that etc etc.  (I know cos that's exactly what I would think)

Oh my God it's really not connecting I really want my guild wars!

Then why am I doing this? I just feel so inadequate, so average. Like, I'm not good at anything.  Yeah Yeah practice more, try harder etc etc. Maybe I'm really just not trying hard enough.

Wah type so long already but I actually still have something else to talk about. Let's split this into 2.

As a daughter

As a daughter, I'm horrible. I'm selfish.

I should be patiently listening to her, giving her encouragements and supporting her they way she does to me.

Yet everytime I just want to run away and not have anything to do with it. I'm so tired of the dramas in life.

Yeah, I know. It has concluded. I should be grateful for how peaceful it is now as compared to the past.

But there's a part of me than just wants to detach myself from everything. Because running away is always easier.

I don't know what to do anymore as a daughter.

Went temple today

Yeah to pray for Jie's flight and my dreams and stuff. 

At the same time decided to just shake shake and ask about some stuff.

So I asked about studies and relationship.  Which she said was fine so I'll just keep trying my best and hope for the best. 

Then grabbed a few amulets for the retail girls cos we going swimming then now 7th month so just bring la right haha but so paiseh grabbed so many then felt so wah so greedy but kept telling myself no no is for my friends so it's okay... Right?

But well you know it's things like that that remind me why I still consider myself a Buddhist because at the very least, I still have some sort of belief in it and to me that's enough for now.

This kind of deep deep stuff eeyugh I not good. Need meet up with gen and talk to her about it.

Everytime. It's been a while

Yeah. It's been a long long while since I felt this weird, heavy feeling on my chest. I believe people usually call it sadness.

Well it's not sad exactly... Kind of like sigh now what do I do kind of sad?

I am so afraid.

So afraid of messing things up. Of hurting people's feelings. Of being anything less than what people expect me to be.

Okay the last one not so much anymore, but I'm still afraid.

But really, what do I do now? Maybe I'm just worrying too much (as usual) in advance.

Yet.. I mean..  Okay come on. Going to a church? That is like one of the top places I never wanted to enter. But telling that to a Christian would be offensive.

At the same time, I really really feel uncomfortable with just the thought that I might have to enter one. Why? I don't even know, which frustrates me quite a little.

At the moment, my interest in religion as a whole is just zilch. And I'm just thinking, if I'm not sincere towards the whole thing,  then for what reason am I there?

I think I'm seriously worrying too much in advance.

Yan Er