Well that was awkward

Last night's ride home was awkward and downright depressing.

Both of them were arguing over something so ugh and the conclusion was so blehh also.

Ended up feeling pretty upset too because they were both genuinely upset and really arguing and I was just like, god no not my friends too please stop ugh enough why guys don't argue over nothing

So that walk back, well it was kinda like walking home alone because Ian was just walking infront and I lost the motivation or whatever to keep up since we were both just like silent the whole way.

I kind of expected him to just walk on ahead without stopping or anything but man he actually stopped and waited for me to catch up and just gave me like the friendliest sort of smile i guess that I've ever seen when upset and was like don't think too much about it la and well I could only nod because you know, I lose my voice when I'm that upset so we parted with a 'goodnight' and a wave and that made everything alot better for a while.

Then I got a text and had to deal with the continued drama from the other party all the way to 1am so I'm pretty surprised at how awake I am now considering only 5 hours of sleep.

Gah I don't know what to do with the both of them anymore. We're not physically together but for some reason I still can hear that same deafening silence from last night and its so unsettling and its making me lose my appetite although I don't know why ugh well it saves money but ahhhh.

Kay bye ~

Guides cookies

These days, a particular memory from secondary school keeps resurfacing and good gosh it's making me miserable please stop.

I think it was in sec 3 or 4 that this happened, though I'm not very sure. It could be lower sec 2.

We were collecting orders for the guide cookies and well with my extremely small circle of friends, I didn't really have many people to ask. Not to mention most of them (which was two haha pathetic right) were also girl guides so my list looked really... empty.

I felt way too shy to ask people and when I finally got around to doing that, I found out that most had already gone to my other two friends to order the cookies. It was either that or they couldn't afford it.

I guess I must have looked pretty miserable because Adam and Raihan dug into their pockets to share one box and order from me so that my list would look so sad and damn did I feel like crying at that moment.

To have such awesome friends made me feel so touched and grateful, but at the same time the feelong of being pitied like that felt so horrible. But even so thank you so much guys haha, it made my day anyway. =D

Making friends is really hard. Even now, I'm still questioning what kind of friends do I have in class. The feeling is so dang weird. Like we're friends but at the same time, something about being friends is missing. And it's probably because of something about me since I've had this feeling since always.

Ah I don't know how to say this. Friends but it feels so weird. What am I saying. 

Poly friends

These are just really small things that probably shouldn't bother me but still, I am disturbed.

Like. I just went out to get food and like duh they all knew because I walked across their seats but no one joined me so I just went on alone. Do I have to invite you to come? You can just get up and say something about wanting to get food too right?

Then I get back and sit down.

"oh want to get food?"

Then everyone stands up to go out and buy food. What the hell?

At least Adeline asked if I wanted to go out with them but what the hell?

I just got back like what.

I can't even tell if I'm being too sensitive or what, but recently it just feels as if I'm not really friends with any of them. Like yeah friends and nothing more than that which is just depressing.

Hey darling I just came from stalking your blog

I keep thinking about how much my life sucks these days with all the legal shit that's being fought out between my parents. 

Like, life is so bloody unfair right?! 

Then I get pulled back to reality with a simple blog post by my dear friend. Our situations, no matter how similar, cannot and should not be compared together. 

I'm not saying that, "Oh I've got it worse!" 

Ugh please, no. I mean, everyone's hurting just the same so why compare? 

It's really upsetting to read how unhappy she is over him. I wish I could do something for her but it doesn't seem like I'll be able to do much except backstage moral support. 

So hey darling, just gonna let you know that I'm here for you! 

The road ahead is tough and shitty but you'll do jes' fine. I'm saying this because you're you and I just have a feeling that you'll come out of this an even stronger person.

Because I don't care

It is interesting how I don't give a fuck about him anymore. 

It is amazing how ridiculous he can be. 

And it is down downright horrid how he chose her over his own daughters.

Family? Please.

I didn't know that walking out on your own family was so easy for you to do. 

For one moment

When I looked up, for just one moment, the gently falling rain reminded me of snow.

Hey a girl can dream can't she?

So dead ohmygod

I'm so dead so dead so dead for tomorrow's fma ohmygoddd

This is the first time going in feeling super unprepared yet i can't really do more omg there goes the gpa

Cuts

Its scary because I can sort of understand why someone would cut themselves.

At that moment pain is a much better distraction for the tears that are about to spill, or maybe the breakdown waiting to happen.

Close, but not quite there yet.

Good thing I'm allergic to pain.

Half a year to one year

So that's how long I have left to enjoy life as I know it.

When will they stop the good guy bad guy thing?

I'm getting really sick and tired of all this shit.

FYI Y'all this is a rant

Things feel really crappy recently and it sucks because I'm starting to feel a bit of secondary school feeling which I never want to feel again because the loneliness and envy just sucked so bad yet right now life is starting to suck so much because my family is just screwed up and exams are coming but the mood just isn't there so my GPA is confirm going to drop and sometimes I just want someone to understand that everything is getting so messed up that I can't feel happy for others and I'm getting so angry inside that it's scary because I don't know what to do but no one likes sob stories and no one can help me get rid of this anger and sometimes it's like no one cares even though I know that's not true but everything is piling up and if I don't deal with this then the feeling weighing on my chest won't go away and I'll feel like those times when I hid outside class during recess because I felt invisible and being in a room with others felt even worse and I haven't used a comma or a fullstop so maybe I should end this here okay goodnight people!

Trauma

I did something stupid last night but well if I didn't try then, I probably would never know right? (--> trying to convince myself harhar)

I accompanied Val, Bryan and Mark to Clarke quay last night with Eva and well. You know, Clarke quay = glug glug of disgusting alcohol.

Before you continue judging, let me just say all i had was one darn tequila shot, just one okay!

So obviously i should be fine but well hahahaha! God knows what happened with my stomach, I just rejected everything during the week hours of the morning and puked it all out. And it wasn't even much to begin with!

So for two freaking hours this morning I went from diarrhea to throwing up (phlegm of all things because there wasn't anything else ugh) to resting and repeating the whole shit again and again.

I say trauma because when I look at lemons now, (it was part of the drink) I get this sick feeling and ugh looking at the photos of those crappy drinks feels even worse.

The only good thing was that I learnt where meidi-ya is located.

Looks like I'm not drinking or eating lemons for the next 10 years of my life if its anything like my fear of eating luncheon meat =\

Anyway thanks Eva for sending Bryan to wait with me for the taxi and thanks Bryan for waiting even though you probably wanted to sit with the others and wait for your colourful shots.

Marymount

Went Upper Thomson to eat at the Prata House yesterday night with Adeline, Bryan, Eva, Ling Ting, RJ and Rui Shan. 

Man it was so fun! 

Although we probably should have played at the playground before eating 
><" 

Yeah we all spun round the playground too much that we felt like throwing up but whatever, it was just so fun. 

There was this round thingy thingy that could turn if someone spun it so everyone piled into that weird thing and climbed to the top and well it wasn't going to move by itself right, plus with my full stomach and motion sickness I was better off staying on the ground.

So. I tried to pull it and run with it so it would keep spinning but no joke man that shit's heavy! (Plus like 5 people inside T.T) 

But after a while i realised i could pull and run better with one hand so I did and tadah today my arms and legs are hurting like hell sigh. 

After that we sat there and played cards for about an hour or so before heading home which was tiring as well because of Bryan damnit make me run so much tsk. 

First was run to the train, then it was run for the transit between paya lebar circle to green line just so he could catch his bus. In the end leh! Don't need run also won't miss the bus. Aiyo seriously. 

Okay, too lazy to type already haha shall just post pics. 

Bye! 

I forgot

I forgot to post this or record this or something haha

Cos like on Friday when we were filming a video for CI project, Bryan wore his formal shirt over his well shirt and then put on the blazer, then tried to wear his tie. But since he so fail plus so many layers the hand cannot move or something, end up Adeline and I help him wear tie and adjust the clothes and we were like "wah feel like two mothers dressing the son like that"

which was like yeah, because I was even tightening the tie for him while she adjusted the collars like Tsk tsk Bryan.

Then after that, I thought like so many layers plus the blazer fit not that well so look a bit weird. So i said to Zahidah, "something looks off."

And ohmygod she heard it as "suddenly he looks hot." So she looked at me and was like HUH what did you say??

And I'm like confused so I repeated myself and she started laughing and told me what she heard and we both started laughing like crazy.

Oh Saturday at Bryan's house was damn fun too. Apparently all dog owners tease their dogs the sane way!

Byee

Sighh

It's because he cheers me on at such unexpected moments that he's such a treasured friend of mine.
I mean duh that's not the only reason, there's a whole lot more. Anyway.

Thanks for that random mini pep talk dude! You keep going on strong too!

I don't know how he knows but he knows hahaha

Yan Er

Debt

Just read a post online about how bad the economic state of the world is now.

Over 200 trillion dollars in debt, desperate until negative interest rates, rising unemployment...

What kind of system have we created for ourselves to live in?

Yan Er

Too little already

Like really leh.

Today I ate two small sushi rolls thingy, the small round one that always pack in 6 yeah I had two technically for breakfast.

Thennn... apple juice during QA...

Then chawamushi during this rare Wednesday break.

Insert long walk from business block to main library because I was a bit early and it was too bloody hot to not be in air con.

Then gened which I didn't really care about and well I hope the teacher doesn't hate me for expressing my absolute honest opinion about next week's seminar....

Then watched the squash guys read about dota for a few mins lol yes really I did, weird right.

Then apple juice again plus pocky and hello panda during jap class before going for cca. (Insert listless drills and hellish running because I cannot run at all).

Then finally, sprite on the way home and instant noodles with egg for dinner.

MAN I need some meat or something. Eat so little but exercise so much.

I deserve some nice snacks/food tomorrow right!

Okay goodnight!

Letting go of uh stuff?

Today's one of those days I find titling my posts super cheesy. Like so step haha.

Anyway. Even though its not that bad, my grades are like slipping alot by my standards and while I would have readily given up squash to study (basically go home slack then study a bit), I'm not so willing anymore.
I mean well yeah I am giving up that one extra day of squash a week with dad and sis, rather reluctantly of course. I guess this is the point the teachers luurve telling us to balance cca and schoolwork because it is so humanly possible to do that without getting exhausted!

This is why people have that triangle thing saying things like homework + sleep = no life, cca + sleep = bad grades and cca + homework = no sleep. What are they expecting us to be? Bionic teens with boundless of energy??

Anyway. Because of this, I'm like wondering if I should stop trying to be the best in everything to be happy or to do my best and be satisfied.

Like just aim for A can already. People around me all sp smart, I really don't know how they do it. Plus xi en and shu ang far beyond my level already.

Woah this is getting too long. Okay I'm going to be super early for school today haha oh well.

Bye!

Change

From here again, good luck with reading my handwriting haha!

Poker card PT

Last night kena poker cards PT.

T.T

Because the last time we did that, coach shuffled and we had to do 3 mins plank in total, she decided to let one of us shuffle.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Yu Liang's shuffling sucks.

Apparently at one point of time we had to do 40 tuck jumps in a row because of the picture cards and I remember hearing a lot of "7 more!" For like toe touches or something.

And! There were two picture cards (aka repeat previous action)  after the plank card. Since each deck has two jokers (joker=plank), we did like, 4 mins plank in total. More than three quarters i cheated of course.

I'm exhausted. 8 am class after that sigh how to survive all the deserts in CI later you tell me.

But it was fun! ^^

Back drawing again

Okay before anything, MARK V. YOU @$(#&$^!@(#~)$&. 

Dreaming of people doesn't really mean anything especially since I dream of a lot lot lot of people so YEAH. 

Anyway. 

I'm back drawing again hohoho and feeling so happy and excited picking up the pen and pencils and MY AWESOME NEW COPIC MARKERS HAHAHA I LOVE THEM SO MUCH OMG CANNOT STAND IT HEHEHEHEHEH!

Ahem. 

But yeah, having problems trying to draw because art block and lack of skill (sigh ) but WHO CARES I"M GONNA DRAW AND BE HAPPY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

Bye!