Ouch

Because yesterday my shift ended at 3pm (hell yeah 15 days more whoohoo) so I was early for training (wow am I hardworking haha).

Anyway training as usual, did volley kills with Glenn but we both were being so bad at it as usual. I just don't get volleys man.

Oh oh before training started, cos like coach was late so we had to warm up first, Chun En, Yu Liang,  Remus and I decided to practice rotational drives but halfway through Chun En decided to do some 15 point thing, like whoever misses the shot the opponent gets one point so whoever reaches 15 first wins and the rest down 15 push-ups. 

Damn I somehow through a lot of luck (haha) managed to get 14 but I screwed up so not long latee Chun En won sigh and I tried to bargain like 15 minus how many points we got (insert evil glare from Yu Liang cos he got 7) but the answer was haha no way man ~

Anyway after the drills with Glenn we had to try volleying during rotational drive which I was doing with Glenn but like halfway through wham impact on my right cheek because he somehow managed to volley straight at my face.

Direct shot man haha I think I dropped my racket, I don't remember because everything went white for a split second and I was holding my face going ouch ouch ouch ouch and I only remember looking up and seeing Glenn holding me going IT'S OKAY IT'S OKAY YOU CAN CRY IT'S OKAY TO CRY OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY

And honestly I think the pain was maybe more from shock because my face was numb like really numb and he helped me out of the court and everyone dumped cold water bottles on my face since thank goodness for water coolers near the court Hahaha.

So right now it just looks like a mosquito bite (or love bite according to Remus and Remus only LOL).

That side of the face feels weird though it could just be me feeling overly conscious of it haha like it's not exactly pain but just discomfort.

Everyone started joking afterwards about wracking the other side of the face to even think up just in case it swells or something, haha! But I think it's actually going to be okay lor cos well I don't know, but cheek got alot of cushion and my teeth are still in place so it's okay. 

IT'S OKAY GLENN HAHA I'M FINE ~

Well I'm on the way to work now anyway sigh FIFTEEN DAYS WE CAN DO THIS SHET!

Yan Er

This is random

To all the teachers or basically everyone who never understood why speaking in front of a crowd was like hell for me to the point no one could hear me even with a mike, I'm slowly getting over it myself so  thanks for the non existent support you provided through frustrated looks and sighs

My god I sound so insta what like haha those people post picture then long description. But it just popped up like that in my mind.  The humiliation of being too scared to talk in front of huge groups. 

Okay this is too much for me Hahaha reaching tamp already, another day of ITP down yay!

It's CNY Eve and I'm wondering what to do other than study.

Just like it says above in the title! 

I need to clean the house and bathe Fluffy and clear out my old clothes ... watch Secret Garden hohoho. 

But also need to study ohmygawddd. Sigh. NIce Chinese New Year right? Need to study. OH yeah plus last few days/weeks of year 2. Damn fast leh. I'm going to miss my class so much. THEY ARE SO FREAKING AWESOME CAN. 

Trying to multi-task my cengage right now also haha. 

But like you know last night was funny because after CP we went to Lao Par(?) Sat to eat and then after that we went to walk walk a bit in Bugis Junction ( ohmygod no wonder the girls like to go there the stuff so many and quite cheap hahahaha ) and I was like desperately trying to explain to Mark and Bryan the difference between 'nice to talk to like' and 'like-like' ( I mean you get it right how can you not get it it is so different just because my reaction is like blush here blush there doesn't mean I like the person what it just means I forgot how to react properly when people ask this kind of question I very shy one you know ) and then Mark was like asking "Okay is Bryan the nice to talk to like?" and I was like "Yeah what he is" and Bryan was like "Yeah you see it's HUH WHAT?" 

And like they took 2 seconds to understand what I said and they both turned and looked at me at the same time with the HUH WHAT WHAT look and IT WAS SO FUNNY HAHA CAUGHT THEM OFF-GUARD THERE HOHOHO. 

And I wasn't lying okay Bryan is really a nice to talk to like cos he really nice to talk to what! Then I say Mark is a friend-like ( oops I forgot to click my cengage wait ) because I don't really talk to him that that much right but like he quite nice to talk to also ah see! 

Okay I should really focus on my cengage, got so much to do today. And I finish my breakfast already. 

Happy Birthday Yu Liang LOL sound so old liao. 

Kk Happy CNY also. By the way ear cuffs look cool like damn. 

Bye ~ 

Yan Er 

Jem

The wind was (not gently) blowing, the sky was baby blue, and my mood was the happiest I've felt in a while from morning.
Happiness feels good ~

Tch

I just hate the whole world right now la. 

Judging books

Always see the phrase don't judge book by its cover. 

Usually when i scold/get a little vulgar aka today during training haha people get this super shocked face. 

But like I scold is quite normal leh. Like really. They really never hear before?

Actually.  All my poly friends always feel weird when I scold those because my face doesn't seem to match it.

Calm calm one or poker face or something. Really? Wow my face is really not known to me man. 

So informal today cos after training tired ah. And I wish that this kind of days can go on and on. Those cca people rock you know?

Just that today no one go back with me quite sad ah. Usually whole ride is either I hear Ian talk the whole way or if just me and yu liang then we bullshit some stuff all the way. Fun you know?

Okay almost half my journey done liao. Very stress sia this term. GPA confirm got problem this time one. But no one will believe me.

Aiya.  Reach home bathe then continue stressing. Studies aren't my everything anymore.  I hope. Kk bye. 

Poly better or sec school?

As long as you've graduated from secondary school, everyone will always ask and compare. Now, or then?

Usually, I prefer now to then. But everyone's like "No no no, secondary school was more fun."

In a way, I kind of agree with them. The girl friends I made there feels so much more real. I mean, yeah I hated my school and my cca but the friends I made were pretty awesome.

Actually then why do I say I prefer poly? This is weird. I mean yeah its the first time I can talk to more people in class, more girls actually. No I'm not les. 

The freedom is amazing. My cca is awesome and I love the friends I made there.

I think..  I tend to say I prefer poly because .. probably because I hate myself a lot less than in secondary school. 

Thing is, if I don't sit down and think about all the good times in secondary school, when I think about those four years, I can only see through this dark filter.

Images of myself walking home alone because I had no one to hang with after school. Of me looking down from the fourth floor wondering if life was worth living even though I'm allergic to pain. (Haha). Sitting huddled at the back of class during recess because I hated going for recess. On the steps because everyone left without me.

Not so much of Kezia and I giggling over stupid things,  peeping over Roii's shoulder like bashful admirers because her drawing is awesome. Racing with the guys to see who could finish their math questions faster.  Poking fun of everyone and the school with Sarah and Soo. I hardly see those when I think of HSCS. 

Its so unfair. Why does everyone love their secondary school so much? Why do they get to see all the light and sunshine, the happy and awesome? And all that comes to mind is the patch of darkness. Life now is still fair from perfection but I still love it, and it seems like no one else does.

I guess I don't have a definite answer for this. I like them both. Different aspects of them. But honestly? Even primary school felt better than secondary school. Ugh this is not going to end.

Kay bye~

Well that was awkward

Last night's ride home was awkward and downright depressing.

Both of them were arguing over something so ugh and the conclusion was so blehh also.

Ended up feeling pretty upset too because they were both genuinely upset and really arguing and I was just like, god no not my friends too please stop ugh enough why guys don't argue over nothing

So that walk back, well it was kinda like walking home alone because Ian was just walking infront and I lost the motivation or whatever to keep up since we were both just like silent the whole way.

I kind of expected him to just walk on ahead without stopping or anything but man he actually stopped and waited for me to catch up and just gave me like the friendliest sort of smile i guess that I've ever seen when upset and was like don't think too much about it la and well I could only nod because you know, I lose my voice when I'm that upset so we parted with a 'goodnight' and a wave and that made everything alot better for a while.

Then I got a text and had to deal with the continued drama from the other party all the way to 1am so I'm pretty surprised at how awake I am now considering only 5 hours of sleep.

Gah I don't know what to do with the both of them anymore. We're not physically together but for some reason I still can hear that same deafening silence from last night and its so unsettling and its making me lose my appetite although I don't know why ugh well it saves money but ahhhh.

Kay bye ~

Guides cookies

These days, a particular memory from secondary school keeps resurfacing and good gosh it's making me miserable please stop.

I think it was in sec 3 or 4 that this happened, though I'm not very sure. It could be lower sec 2.

We were collecting orders for the guide cookies and well with my extremely small circle of friends, I didn't really have many people to ask. Not to mention most of them (which was two haha pathetic right) were also girl guides so my list looked really... empty.

I felt way too shy to ask people and when I finally got around to doing that, I found out that most had already gone to my other two friends to order the cookies. It was either that or they couldn't afford it.

I guess I must have looked pretty miserable because Adam and Raihan dug into their pockets to share one box and order from me so that my list would look so sad and damn did I feel like crying at that moment.

To have such awesome friends made me feel so touched and grateful, but at the same time the feelong of being pitied like that felt so horrible. But even so thank you so much guys haha, it made my day anyway. =D

Making friends is really hard. Even now, I'm still questioning what kind of friends do I have in class. The feeling is so dang weird. Like we're friends but at the same time, something about being friends is missing. And it's probably because of something about me since I've had this feeling since always.

Ah I don't know how to say this. Friends but it feels so weird. What am I saying. 

Poly friends

These are just really small things that probably shouldn't bother me but still, I am disturbed.

Like. I just went out to get food and like duh they all knew because I walked across their seats but no one joined me so I just went on alone. Do I have to invite you to come? You can just get up and say something about wanting to get food too right?

Then I get back and sit down.

"oh want to get food?"

Then everyone stands up to go out and buy food. What the hell?

At least Adeline asked if I wanted to go out with them but what the hell?

I just got back like what.

I can't even tell if I'm being too sensitive or what, but recently it just feels as if I'm not really friends with any of them. Like yeah friends and nothing more than that which is just depressing.

Hey darling I just came from stalking your blog

I keep thinking about how much my life sucks these days with all the legal shit that's being fought out between my parents. 

Like, life is so bloody unfair right?! 

Then I get pulled back to reality with a simple blog post by my dear friend. Our situations, no matter how similar, cannot and should not be compared together. 

I'm not saying that, "Oh I've got it worse!" 

Ugh please, no. I mean, everyone's hurting just the same so why compare? 

It's really upsetting to read how unhappy she is over him. I wish I could do something for her but it doesn't seem like I'll be able to do much except backstage moral support. 

So hey darling, just gonna let you know that I'm here for you! 

The road ahead is tough and shitty but you'll do jes' fine. I'm saying this because you're you and I just have a feeling that you'll come out of this an even stronger person.

Because I don't care

It is interesting how I don't give a fuck about him anymore. 

It is amazing how ridiculous he can be. 

And it is down downright horrid how he chose her over his own daughters.

Family? Please.

I didn't know that walking out on your own family was so easy for you to do. 

For one moment

When I looked up, for just one moment, the gently falling rain reminded me of snow.

Hey a girl can dream can't she?

So dead ohmygod

I'm so dead so dead so dead for tomorrow's fma ohmygoddd

This is the first time going in feeling super unprepared yet i can't really do more omg there goes the gpa

Cuts

Its scary because I can sort of understand why someone would cut themselves.

At that moment pain is a much better distraction for the tears that are about to spill, or maybe the breakdown waiting to happen.

Close, but not quite there yet.

Good thing I'm allergic to pain.

Half a year to one year

So that's how long I have left to enjoy life as I know it.

When will they stop the good guy bad guy thing?

I'm getting really sick and tired of all this shit.

FYI Y'all this is a rant

Things feel really crappy recently and it sucks because I'm starting to feel a bit of secondary school feeling which I never want to feel again because the loneliness and envy just sucked so bad yet right now life is starting to suck so much because my family is just screwed up and exams are coming but the mood just isn't there so my GPA is confirm going to drop and sometimes I just want someone to understand that everything is getting so messed up that I can't feel happy for others and I'm getting so angry inside that it's scary because I don't know what to do but no one likes sob stories and no one can help me get rid of this anger and sometimes it's like no one cares even though I know that's not true but everything is piling up and if I don't deal with this then the feeling weighing on my chest won't go away and I'll feel like those times when I hid outside class during recess because I felt invisible and being in a room with others felt even worse and I haven't used a comma or a fullstop so maybe I should end this here okay goodnight people!

Trauma

I did something stupid last night but well if I didn't try then, I probably would never know right? (--> trying to convince myself harhar)

I accompanied Val, Bryan and Mark to Clarke quay last night with Eva and well. You know, Clarke quay = glug glug of disgusting alcohol.

Before you continue judging, let me just say all i had was one darn tequila shot, just one okay!

So obviously i should be fine but well hahahaha! God knows what happened with my stomach, I just rejected everything during the week hours of the morning and puked it all out. And it wasn't even much to begin with!

So for two freaking hours this morning I went from diarrhea to throwing up (phlegm of all things because there wasn't anything else ugh) to resting and repeating the whole shit again and again.

I say trauma because when I look at lemons now, (it was part of the drink) I get this sick feeling and ugh looking at the photos of those crappy drinks feels even worse.

The only good thing was that I learnt where meidi-ya is located.

Looks like I'm not drinking or eating lemons for the next 10 years of my life if its anything like my fear of eating luncheon meat =\

Anyway thanks Eva for sending Bryan to wait with me for the taxi and thanks Bryan for waiting even though you probably wanted to sit with the others and wait for your colourful shots.

Marymount

Went Upper Thomson to eat at the Prata House yesterday night with Adeline, Bryan, Eva, Ling Ting, RJ and Rui Shan. 

Man it was so fun! 

Although we probably should have played at the playground before eating 
><" 

Yeah we all spun round the playground too much that we felt like throwing up but whatever, it was just so fun. 

There was this round thingy thingy that could turn if someone spun it so everyone piled into that weird thing and climbed to the top and well it wasn't going to move by itself right, plus with my full stomach and motion sickness I was better off staying on the ground.

So. I tried to pull it and run with it so it would keep spinning but no joke man that shit's heavy! (Plus like 5 people inside T.T) 

But after a while i realised i could pull and run better with one hand so I did and tadah today my arms and legs are hurting like hell sigh. 

After that we sat there and played cards for about an hour or so before heading home which was tiring as well because of Bryan damnit make me run so much tsk. 

First was run to the train, then it was run for the transit between paya lebar circle to green line just so he could catch his bus. In the end leh! Don't need run also won't miss the bus. Aiyo seriously. 

Okay, too lazy to type already haha shall just post pics. 

Bye! 

I forgot

I forgot to post this or record this or something haha

Cos like on Friday when we were filming a video for CI project, Bryan wore his formal shirt over his well shirt and then put on the blazer, then tried to wear his tie. But since he so fail plus so many layers the hand cannot move or something, end up Adeline and I help him wear tie and adjust the clothes and we were like "wah feel like two mothers dressing the son like that"

which was like yeah, because I was even tightening the tie for him while she adjusted the collars like Tsk tsk Bryan.

Then after that, I thought like so many layers plus the blazer fit not that well so look a bit weird. So i said to Zahidah, "something looks off."

And ohmygod she heard it as "suddenly he looks hot." So she looked at me and was like HUH what did you say??

And I'm like confused so I repeated myself and she started laughing and told me what she heard and we both started laughing like crazy.

Oh Saturday at Bryan's house was damn fun too. Apparently all dog owners tease their dogs the sane way!

Byee