I supposed friends do articulate it better. The time and space to properly heal, why didn't that cross my mind? Thanks YL, haha, I really do feel better after talking to you.

Come to think of it, this is like code-switching isn't it haha, dominant langs and all.

Okay enough nerd, enough emo. Who knows who set the bridge on fire but what's done is done. Onwards, as YL said.

Why is it that even a year after I'm still shedding tears over things related to this shit.

Why does it always seem like I'm the one at fault here. Did I really do something wrong?

Why is it that I can't do anything right with this.

What am I sad about?

It's here. The insecurities are all around again. What's going on. Why are they back. Go away. I don't want to deal with you anymore. Why does everything seem so dark and gloomy. I don't want this. Go away.

Let me study in peace.

How are you supposed to respond when your mother's 心事 is to die early?

What are you supposed to say when your mother says she doesn't plan on being there for you after a certain age?

Nod and say, "Sure thing mom."?

Or maybe I'm just not mature enough to respond to her problems like a peer.

No. Because all I can do sit there and cry at the thought that my mom doesn't plan on being there for as long as possible.

Running away

I like running away from things.

That way, I don't have to face them.

Tuition and others

Tsk Walao sibei angsty leh.

Tmr class at first say don't have, then later change and say have so now is 1-430pm.

Ya la. Is just me la. But I don't like such last min changes here and there like, make up your mind and tell me can? Don't last min want change here change there.

Doesn't help that sigh I've been eating so much recently, suddenly everyone I'm with wants to eat desserts and my fat self just can't say no so there we go extreme guilt is settling in.

I can't take it leh. I'm really hating my body right now. I don't like how it feels. I don't like it at all.

Need to drag myself out and feel healthier again. Really cannot take it. Everything feels horrible. My internal systems feel like dying everytime I ingest something sweet. Feel like hurling when I think about it.

Oh man. I don't like being like this la. I want to enjoy my food and life. Stop being so whiny and weak can anot Er.

Gah I really hate myself. Why did I do this to myself, oh goddess.

Why didn't I start earlier? Why didn't I have more discipline? Why am I still here typing and not memorising?

And all the junk food that I've been eating. I'm starting to hate my body so much again. I mean, like hell yeah I love eating all those food but, damn it. I don't like the consequences. I need to exercise soon. I don't like myself like this. I hate myself like this.

On the bright side, one paper down! Just 2 more to go.

Privatisation

Yeah, so I was wondering if I should actually private this blog. 

Surely you weren't thinking that I was going to go political or talk business, were you? xD Puh-leese. 

So back to the matter on hand. I mean, it's not like anyone has been viewing this from the beginning, so there really isn't much difference with privating it or not. If that's the case, though, then why so hesitant? 

I don't get myself, haha. Damn it. I mean, okay. I've always figured that if I was going to put something on the internet, no point trying to do privacy settings because if I really didn't want anyone to see this, it'll be in my diary. 

Although, this is really a lot less strenuous for the hand. Damn, how lazy have I gotten? As though typing assignments all semester wasn't enough. 

So. 

Okay. 

I don't know. 

Hahahaha. 

EL2111 exam tomorrow morning. Am I prepared for it? Hell no. I really just gave up halfway. So. Good luck to me tomorrow hahahaha. 

On the bright side, in less than errr. 12? hours, I WILL BE DONE WITH PETER'S MOD. 

I can do this! 

EL2111

I have never felt so much resistance, hatred and annoyance for one module as I have studying for this exam.

Less than 24 hrs before I get properly screwed by this mod.

MEH

I'm so bored right now.

From studying.

HAHAHA.

So.

Simultaneous bilinguals have increased bilateral activation, while sequential bilinguals experience more lateralisation on the left side of the brain for both languages. Is it? Let me check my notes.

Okay. HAHA.

I'm so screwed.

I don't know man. 

Me and my half-assed memory work.

Legit just gonna go in and wing everything sia.

Okay. Let me continue trying to study,

This is horrifying.

Hahahahaha.

Uhm

I'm .... I'm a bit worried.

What am I doing?

I wanted to talk to my friend about this like, two? weeks ago. Because I don't think I'm doing this right.

But just nice that day some stuff came up and we couldn't meet. And after all, school hell continued plus exams are right around the corner so there's no way I can bring this up anymore.

Still...

I... Don't think I'm doing this right. And honestly, come to think of it, I should stop. Why didn't I? SX was like, "Well there's only one reason for continuing talking to him right?"

Is it really? I didn't think so leh. Or am I just being oblivious? No leh. I know myself well enough to know if I'm trying to fake myself or not. Right?

So many questions, haha.

Perhaps it was thoughtless of me. To continue the way I did, or am, actually.

But .... Okay. If I wasn't, I would've shunned avoided blocked etc etc? Well. I suppose to a certain extent that's true. But it's not like, I mean, これは友達だよ！それに、いい友達よ！こんなのことはとてもnot worth it だよ！

So many 'but's.

Is it selfish of me? I think I was being really selfish. What kind of impression have I given? What kind of hopes? What have I been doing? 做人不可以这样的彦娥，是不可以的!

これからどうする？そのままにする？このままじゃ it'll be too late...

Why like that. 为何啊。 　

This is not working out

One whole damn afternoon on one chapter? Something not right.

Why the hell is this chapter so long.

Walao eh.

Last bilingualism class

I love Prof Starr. I really do. Her classes are really interesting.

But why.

Why oh why is it that every week when I look up at the clock after feeling like I've paid so much attention, it's only 15-20mins into her lesson.

I swear. I really love her class okay. Or more like her mod. But good hell her lessons always feel longer than an hour and half!

Okay, I should really be trying to pay more attention.

A persistent thought lingers at the back of my mind, murmuring to me at every waking moment that I'm not going to make it.

I can see all the deadlines and tests running at me like an elephant on a mad rampage, and it's pretty horrifying. Friday. I just need to hold out till Friday. Although I would love to finish that essay before Friday, at the rate I'm going, that's not going to happen.

...

Why is this guy standing so close to me on the train? It's not that crowded. Can he like, take on step to the left or something. I already taking this corner okay, can you get a sense of personal space and fk off a bit further.

Tsk. Angsty already.

Okay, that was rude, but I'm just going to leave it there since that was what went through my mind. Whatever. I'm not moving from my space. This corner is mine for the ride.

Oh well.

Must be more disciplined this week. And when everything is over and done with, I can finally sleep peacefully.

Studying for the finals is going to feel so much better after all this. Or at least, I hope it'll be.

I'm so dead

Tues morning: Tutorial presentation.
Tues afternoon: Japanese 1 min presentation of which I have yet to memorise, and kaiwa of which I also have yet to memorise.

Wednesday: Japanese oral, the first part of which I have yet again to memorise

Thursday: Japanese finals. I haven't even done the webcast for the final lesson, need I say more? At least I'm done with the assignments for Contact class.

Friday: Bilingual essay due. Which I'm typing now but decided to take a mini break because I'm freaking hell panicking.

Dead, so dead this time.

Tehing Daddy

Because I'm too lazy to type it down 

Honestly, it's not something to feel upset about.

Which means, it's probably just the ego talking.

But I guess I'll let the ego run its mouth here in the name of 'outlet'.

Actually, I also don't know leh. Back then, did I turn to anyone?

Well, I suppose back in lower sec, Sarah was always there to listen. Her timing was extraordinary, every time she asked me about them, it'd always be on a Monday morning which, you know what that means! They quarreled on Sunday!

Yeah, but no, that's not the point.

When I think about how my friend might be going through the whole stupid procedure, and I know it must be way worse if it involves the court and all, that stupid image of the lift lobby at Chinatown Point keeps flashing in my mind.

And I get so scared and worried, what if it escalates to that?

It's so weird, it's not even say my family or anything, which means I'm just being kpo. But I really really hope whatever it is, it's not anything like that. I had the luxury of skipping out on so many lawyer meetings. But he has to go through them all? I can't even imagine. I just really really hope it turns out alright at the end of today. I don't want him to experience that, I mean, no one should have to.

Look at my thoughts running around and trailing off! It's been all over the place recently.

Sometimes, I wonder. Am I used to it that its absence feels weird? I'm weird.

And sometimes, I just feel like abandoning everything and running off. Like now, although that's partially due to my schoolwork, haha.

Okay, the thoughts are running everywhere and making no sense again. I'd better return to biling if I'm to complete that essay on time.

Tsk

I'm like, thoroughly heartbroken with this game okay I tell you.

Walao eh why! I don't want the last person standing to be this person!

Thinking about talents again

I realised just as I was about to start typing this post.

I've never really come to terms with my lack or ability.

Or more like, I've been running away from admitting it to myself that I am a talentless person with no abilities to her name.

There, I've said it. In fact, I've said it countless and countless of times to myself, but I guess I've never really tried or wanted to accept this.

Why would I want to? It sucks. Knowing the fact feels horrible enough, but accepting it feels like it'll be permanent. Although, if I don't have the talent or ability for something, chances are it is permanent so ... I don't know what I'm expecting.

Yet, I really want to just accept it. I don't want to be jealous of others, envious or whichever. I hate that feeling. Maybe it's just the pride talking?

But it really sucks.

It's not like I can't do things, sure I love my art and craft and drawing, sure I can plonk out a few memorised tunes on the piano and blow out some shaky notes on the ocarina.

But skill? Creativity? There honestly isn't any.

I can't match colours to save my life. Can't improvise on the piano. Can't play computer games well either.

It seems like everything I love doing, I can't do well at it. Mediocre at best.

Then, I suppose I should ask myself, what's the point of being good at those hobbies then? Aren't hobbies for your own personal enjoyment?

I just want to be good at something. I'm quite sick of being sucky at so many things.

Maybe it's because I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm not thinking hard enough. Not enough effort. Quite possible since I have no willpower.

So, what now? Can I still enjoy everything, despite being terrible and mediocre in life?

Hahaha, it's like having nothing to my name.

Why the hell am I so concerned about this? I don't want to be concerned about this.

Maybe it's because every time I pick up the pencil to draw, I think about giving up that hobby. Every time I try to play a song, I wonder why do I still try when even after 7 years, I still can't master that one piece. And ironically, that song is called Passion. HAHA. Passion.

Where am I going with all this?

I don't know leh.

But, even after all that, I miss drawing and playing the piano so so so much.

Damnit.

The three card switch switch game

My proudest, best and probably the only time I'll pull off a bomb like this.

I mean, he did give me a Queen too but hey, it's worth the two Kings!

Week 12, and we're (or at least I'm) still procrastinating hard.

We can do this!

P.S. Wow, angsty mood swing much over the weekends? Glad to be back to normal.