Happiness

"Happiness is an unachievable myth peddled by those who refuse to admit that the world's default state is misery" - exurb1a, Epsilon dies backwards

Why do we speak of those who choose to chase the neverending race of happiness as if they were fools and like we're on higher ground just because we acknowledge the misery that we're in and never escaping?

Why speak of it like it's wrong and fruitless?

Oh right, because life is ultimately misery after all.

Well you can have your higher knowledge of life's misery and not peddle in happiness then. I'd rather stay ignorant and seek small packets happiness where I can in life.

Maybe the point of this quote missed me. I don't know. But I'll keep peddling in what it calls a myth anyway.

No, I don't like this feeling. Hahahaha actually, it's just like that silly song lyric that goes hello darkness my old friend.

No, no. I'm being melodramatic. This feeling will pass eventually, when - I sure as hell hope it's before I leave for my dental appointment.

It's so stupid. Okay wait no. Cannot anyhow say stupid. Let's try to work this out.

Feeling sad/upset because someone else is feeling down and there's absolutely nothing I can do.

And nothing I say or do is helping or working. What if it's making things worse? Then if I were to just poof from contact.. Nope that's selfish and stupid too.

Maybe it's just the feeling of helplessness or, more bluntly - being useless.

Can't even find a job for the semester either. And I'm so damn broke. I can see the failure in life just charging at me full speed ahead.

But I digress.

I need to get out of this stupid feeling. Its heavy. And I absolutely hate it.

Okay. I don't really understand why I'm feeling like that la. Someone is sad therefore I am sad. I feel useless to the person feeling sad therefore I feel even more sad. I'm trying to maintain some decent level of cheer in desperate attempt to be useful to someone despite being upset which therefore makes me even more upset because.... Dissonance? I don't know.

Okay. Good summary though.

It feels like I'm going to lose something. No, not my mind, haha.

Is a brief moment of happiness better than nothing at all? I don't know, I'm kinda scared.

Grip hard, girl. And toss that stupid feeling out the window. Enough wallowing for the day.

I'm really not doing anything right, am I.

I don't understand.

I don't get it.

Why doesn't anything feel right? Why isn't anything I do right?

Saying the wrong things over and over again, hurting people's feelings.

I must be such a mess for my mother to look at me and constantly worry. Worry, worry, worry.

Er, mummy worries a lot about you.

Er, you're too sheltered.

Er, 你真的很笨 leh.

What am I doing wrong? Everything? Am I doing anything right at all?

Where do I go from here? Go out and experience more? But I'm too silly, naive and foolish to go out and experience things? What do you want me to do? Why can't I do anything without being nagged at, scolded for something?

It's always, you can do more, do better. Then when it gets stressful, aiyo why so stressed.

I want to decide my own life. I don't want to be influenced by people anymore. I want my own decisions.

I mean. I get judged/nagged/讲到 either way anyway.

Motivation..?

Ridiculous insecurities aside, god this really is the month of 心事 isn't it?

I miss the little excitement I used to feel from even the smallest things. Walking in the sunshine, the touch the rain scented wind upon my face at 6am in the morning, blasting music and sketching furiously or plonking off tune piano keys repeatedly until a semblance of melody forms. Where did all these go?

My mind is blank. I can't draw. There's no inspiration or excitement to bring an image to life because there's none anymore. And the older I get, the worse it feels. No matter how many years I work at it, it's still not good. It's not excitement anymore, it's discontentment and disappointment.

What about that stubborn insistence that got me through music scores I never thought I'd finish? Did I just get lazy?

Why is my email not loading hello. Horrible.

But its okay. I'm slowly coming to accept that I will forever suck at all these. And that my work comp will never load my email @£#(=_%@+_#£!. But maybe if I try a little everyday again, I'll regain that little love and excitement for my art. If I explore more books and stop being so lazy to watch some actual shows (read: not tea/drama channels), I'll get that those little cogwheels turning again.

Plus, I have the violin now, so I really should practice.

Okay! Enough with the sombre and sulky attitude Er. You're just sulking because you've gotten so lazy good goddess. Tsk.

Back to work ~

Even more insecure thoughts

Still trying to figure out why I feel sad. So I can sleep lol.

Maybe because at that moment it kind of snapped me back to the reality that someday things will eventually end?

Once school starts, that's it then. The brief moment of fun and happiness that cannot be put in hold will end, and all that will be left is another memory to slowly erase.

It just feels like everything is really for nothing at the end of the day if the person is going to leave eventually.

I'd rather not taste the happiness then.

More stupid insecurities?

I mean, I know it's probably just over thinking and stupid petty insecurities but today really felt as though you don't really care? Like, I know I'm wrong, I know I'm probably being overly sensitive. But it still feels as though I'm the only one being stupidly into this now. And I just hate what I'm turning into again like ffs.

Maybe people just busy today and I'm being petty and demanding la. Being so selfish. Tsk. Er. Snap out of your sissy world can anot.

Or maybe it's just the mood swings. Which I really want to share and just whine about. But I don't even think you'd bother about it. So there's no point, right? What's wrong with me. Can't even handle a little cramps alone.

I should just change the title of this blog to "Get a grip" since everytime I'm here I tell myself that.

Get a grip can.

Another thing to wish for

Like being better at comforting people. How do people do that? I don't get it, but I wish I knew how.

Still not enough

Why does it still feel like I'm not good enough at anything. Is it just not enough effort. Am I not trying hard enough. Is that why. How to try harder. Idk. Maybe just meant to be a mediocre person in life bah. Everything also suck.

I want out.

Really leh. I hate Sundays. I hate this whole shit. Can't even access my house toilet because dear guest-lady is over and they're, I don't know, sleeping late today?

Am I being angsty because I have to move again today or because of recent developments in life? I mean part of me knows the answer and ffs Er get a fucking grip. I don't like feeling this dependant and being this moody for no good reason.

Okay. The weather's good today, I have work to get done, and screw the budget I can eat grass the rest of the week. I refuse to stay like this on a beautiful Sunday.

Also, they're awake, yay. Nope I don't think I'll have brekkie with them, no thank you. My father's all yours lady.

Miss those fluffballs

Feels like I've been dreaming about keeping pets again a lot. Damnit I need my furballs again. Need to start scheming/planning when can I keep one again. Rabbit, dog, both, I don't care man I want some cuteness and fluff in my life again t.t

But everyone looks older than you

So my dad was asking me if my friend's father is about his age or older, and I replied, "He looks older, but everyone looks older than you so."

And this father of mine just let out a hearty "HAHAHA, of course HAHAHA!"

... My father. HAHA. The best natural combatant to aging is squash and running for 30 years.

...

Are you serious? Each and every one of you wants me to be friends with him again. Right. Sure.

Two places

There're definitely benefits to it.

But can I also say how sick I am of moving up and down.

Could be just poor (really poor) planning on my part. Probably.

But this is ridiculous la.

I just want to sit down with my pencils and paper for a day.

I supposed friends do articulate it better. The time and space to properly heal, why didn't that cross my mind? Thanks YL, haha, I really do feel better after talking to you.

Come to think of it, this is like code-switching isn't it haha, dominant langs and all.

Okay enough nerd, enough emo. Who knows who set the bridge on fire but what's done is done. Onwards, as YL said.

Why is it that even a year after I'm still shedding tears over things related to this shit.

Why does it always seem like I'm the one at fault here. Did I really do something wrong?

Why is it that I can't do anything right with this.

What am I sad about?

It's here. The insecurities are all around again. What's going on. Why are they back. Go away. I don't want to deal with you anymore. Why does everything seem so dark and gloomy. I don't want this. Go away.

Let me study in peace.

How are you supposed to respond when your mother's 心事 is to die early?

What are you supposed to say when your mother says she doesn't plan on being there for you after a certain age?

Nod and say, "Sure thing mom."?

Or maybe I'm just not mature enough to respond to her problems like a peer.

No. Because all I can do sit there and cry at the thought that my mom doesn't plan on being there for as long as possible.

Running away

I like running away from things.

That way, I don't have to face them.

Tuition and others

Tsk Walao sibei angsty leh.

Tmr class at first say don't have, then later change and say have so now is 1-430pm.

Ya la. Is just me la. But I don't like such last min changes here and there like, make up your mind and tell me can? Don't last min want change here change there.

Doesn't help that sigh I've been eating so much recently, suddenly everyone I'm with wants to eat desserts and my fat self just can't say no so there we go extreme guilt is settling in.

I can't take it leh. I'm really hating my body right now. I don't like how it feels. I don't like it at all.

Need to drag myself out and feel healthier again. Really cannot take it. Everything feels horrible. My internal systems feel like dying everytime I ingest something sweet. Feel like hurling when I think about it.

Oh man. I don't like being like this la. I want to enjoy my food and life. Stop being so whiny and weak can anot Er.

Gah I really hate myself. Why did I do this to myself, oh goddess.

Why didn't I start earlier? Why didn't I have more discipline? Why am I still here typing and not memorising?

And all the junk food that I've been eating. I'm starting to hate my body so much again. I mean, like hell yeah I love eating all those food but, damn it. I don't like the consequences. I need to exercise soon. I don't like myself like this. I hate myself like this.

On the bright side, one paper down! Just 2 more to go.