As a daughter

As a daughter, I'm horrible. I'm selfish.

I should be patiently listening to her, giving her encouragements and supporting her they way she does to me.

Yet everytime I just want to run away and not have anything to do with it. I'm so tired of the dramas in life.

Yeah, I know. It has concluded. I should be grateful for how peaceful it is now as compared to the past.

But there's a part of me than just wants to detach myself from everything. Because running away is always easier.

I don't know what to do anymore as a daughter.

Went temple today

Yeah to pray for Jie's flight and my dreams and stuff. 

At the same time decided to just shake shake and ask about some stuff.

So I asked about studies and relationship.  Which she said was fine so I'll just keep trying my best and hope for the best. 

Then grabbed a few amulets for the retail girls cos we going swimming then now 7th month so just bring la right haha but so paiseh grabbed so many then felt so wah so greedy but kept telling myself no no is for my friends so it's okay... Right?

But well you know it's things like that that remind me why I still consider myself a Buddhist because at the very least, I still have some sort of belief in it and to me that's enough for now.

This kind of deep deep stuff eeyugh I not good. Need meet up with gen and talk to her about it.

Everytime. It's been a while

Yeah. It's been a long long while since I felt this weird, heavy feeling on my chest. I believe people usually call it sadness.

Well it's not sad exactly... Kind of like sigh now what do I do kind of sad?

I am so afraid.

So afraid of messing things up. Of hurting people's feelings. Of being anything less than what people expect me to be.

Okay the last one not so much anymore, but I'm still afraid.

But really, what do I do now? Maybe I'm just worrying too much (as usual) in advance.

Yet.. I mean..  Okay come on. Going to a church? That is like one of the top places I never wanted to enter. But telling that to a Christian would be offensive.

At the same time, I really really feel uncomfortable with just the thought that I might have to enter one. Why? I don't even know, which frustrates me quite a little.

At the moment, my interest in religion as a whole is just zilch. And I'm just thinking, if I'm not sincere towards the whole thing,  then for what reason am I there?

I think I'm seriously worrying too much in advance.

Yan Er