It's so sad

Ya cos like, ever since secondary school, I kind of don't get invited for anything anymore.

Sounds so ridiculous but really.

Like, in lower sec, one of the girls had a gathering to celebrate her birthday at East coast Park and like almost all the girls were there, including my, I guess clique? But obviously I wasn't.

So apparently something big happened, along the lines of some girl getting rejected by a guy and they were quietly buzzing about it, including my clique, but I was so out of the loop.

Which is a pretty lonely feeling.

Fast forward to seven years later, where I casually check Instagram and I notice my classmates meeting up and posting photos of it every now and then.

It's a small group of them, but still. 

Because I was supposedly closer to them at the start? Or so I thought anyway.

Special birthday posts for them. Random meet ups. All of which just doesn't happen to me.

And it's not like I should be jealous or envious or anything, since I do like staying home by myself too and meeting up with them usually feels weird because I can't follow what they're talking about.

Even so, it feels kinda sad. And lonely.

That even after so many years, nothing much has changed. I'm still sitting on the other side looking over enviously, wondering why am I not there too.

That unknown force

It's amazing how a whole train of thought can go through your mind in literally a split second. 

Just moments ago, I dropped one of my sister's favourite necklace on the escalator just as it was about to end. I quickly picked it up and got off the escalator without damaging the necklace or hurting myself.

Sounds normal enough right?

Immediately after, however, my hands began trembling a little because of what went through my mind and how many emotions I felt within that second.

"Necklace dropped?"

Image of myself putting the necklace in my bag and the reason I did so flashed in my mind.

Brain registered that it's my sister's (favourite) necklace.

Instant panic.

Brain screamed, "JIE'S NECKLACE OHMYGOD SHE WILL KILL ME!!!"

Image of my sister being very upset when she finds out flashed quickly.

Brain also registered that if it goes in, the necklace is history.

Body moved by itself working with the hand and legs to pick up the necklace and step off the escalator without tripping.

HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF.

At that moment, I definitely reacted faster than usual. It was like an unknown force just pushed my down to grab it and move. Is this what desperation feels like?

Anyhow, together with the bad photo submission for my student card, this promises to be a good start to the day. =/

But, how?

I just saw a video on Facebook showing this weirdo stranger asking a girl to follow him and stuff while holding his private area and the comments were so disgusting. 

People were saying things like how she would follow him if he were rich simply because from her accent, one can tell that she's from the Philippines. For goodness sake you idiots. If it were like, a Singaporean Chinese, you wouldn't be saying stuff like that. Racist pricks. 

Other comments were basically saying, "Next time, call for help, don't just video it down." 

Am I the only one watching who feels scared for the poor girl? I mean, it's super easy to just say, "Ask for help," but when it comes down to it, how are we supposed to do it? 

How do you ask the people around you for help? Grab the person nearest to you and say, "That guy is bothering me, help!" 

To even speak up would be difficult for the girl, somehow. The best thing I can think of is to go to the control station and alert the staff there since it feels like the people around wouldn't want to involve themselves in unnecessary trouble. Tis' the Singaporean way of life, huh? 

"Don't want la, someone else will help." 

Forever and always.  

So. Weighed. Down.

This whole talk and stuff about religion playing a part in my life is getting me down.

I'm not sure what it's intended purpose is, but it definitely doesn't seem to be working well for me, even if I'm just barely at the introductory stage. Isn't that the part that's supposed to be the most interesting part of it to draw you in to the religion? I don't know.

I have to keep telling myself that I'm doing it for myself, since that's the way it should be. Maybe if it repeat it often enough, I'll actually start to believe it and it'll come true.

Macfries

I've said this before so many times and I'll say it again.

I'm so not going to touch Mcfries anymore. Ugh that feeling in your stomach after that is just so terrible. For me at least, anyway. It's McCorn if I order a meal next time. XD

Okay okay, unless it's a shaker. Maybe then I'll reconsider. Because seaweed shaker rocks.

Stupid game

It's just a stupid game but I feel so goddamn demoralized from freaking constantly losing cos I've been losing to everyone since like the beginning of time and I just suck at everything and I really hate it like tell me how to enjoy myself when I'm constantly dying even though I'm trying but obviously not enough because I'm still freaking dying and losing in the stupid game like 5-8 freaking times to get a Vista what the freak I'm like world's greatest loser and fail for getting that dumb Vista and every single damn time they want to pvp I always lose like why what the hell and Oh of course I find that do fun, being pounded over again and again of course that's entertaining but of course that's my problem again because I didn't learn well or try hard enough well I'm stupid anyway and I suck in life and I'm dumb so it doesn't really matter now does it and I had a point here I forgot where I was going with this ugh whatever I suck at that stupid game and I'm angry and upset so whatever

-

It's so hard.
Going through wave after wave of conflicting emotions, tearing uncontrollably, then furiously blinking them all back.

Yet nothing I do will bring her back.

Why Oh why

Why is it that those sec school kids can afford a llao llao each on their own while the only times I have ever eaten them are when I'm sharing with a friend and they can be eating that kinda pricey yogurt but I'm trying to find cheap dinners why

Flashback

Pretty tired right now, so I'm tucked into bed and slowly closing my eyes when my sister's piano music drifts into my room.

Gave me a really nostalgic feeling and flashback to a really long time ago when I would be just waking up from naps in the room to the sound of my sister's playing.

From the dim lighting in my room, to the light under my door and the soft playing of music, it's been so long since I last had my sister's music gently wake me, or in this case, lull me to sleep.

Long sentence Oops.

Goodnight.

Really?

Is it like, there's no other option unless I wholly agree with your beliefs? Can there be no compromise?

What does this mean then, I can't talk about my beliefs because you don't like it or believe in it? I can't even share what I feel is important to me with you?

Why am I doing this anyway then. When you expect me to be perfectly open towards yours but you are so closed minded towards mine.

I can, and I will

Too many reality shocks and realisations today. Hearing it and knowing it to be true is just depressing, and it makes you judge every life decision you made up till this day.

Painful as it was, it was a well needed wake up call and I'm glad to have had it. Everything that I was feeling was put into words and finally didn't feel unfounded.

It's tough, and it will be even more so in the future. But when it's time to cross that bridge, I can, and I will. 

I did it!

Yup. I did it. I took the step to ending my annoyance and ... yeah I guess just annoyance to the whole situation.

No point creating needless suffering for yourself, especially when the other party probably doesn't know or care.

So I did it. And I feel a little better. It was pretty petty of me, I know, this whole thing.

Wanted to change the URL but couldn't think of any so meh for the moment.

Till the next time!

Detaching

I can't remember where I read this. But I really wish I did because I think I really need it again.

So many 'I' in that paragraph.

Something along the lines "Learn to recognise those feelings and detach yourself from it"

Nowhere near positive sounding, huh? In fact now that I'm reading it again, it sounds terrible! Emotional detachment? Seriously?

Maybe that's why I'm such a horrible person. Hmm... 

But well, it helped when I needed it to. I mean, it stopped me from entering mindless crushes..  (no offense but well I didn't want to crush on anyone then and it totally helped keep it in check). Helped when I got jealous or angry.

Special exceptions to those moments when detachment just wasn't possible Oops.

Like...  It let me step back and examine those feelings as neutrally as possible. Why am I feeling jealous or angry? Why do I feel inclined to that person?

Although more often than not I'd step back, or run as far as possible, before throwing that feeling away to settle down my emotions.

I know, I know. Running away! The coward's way out! DISHONOUR!

I can hear it all man. 'Learn to control your emotions, running away isn't the answer. One day it'll catch up with you and you'll have to face it eventually. Stand and confront those feelings and make peace with yourself!'

And so on and so forth.  Right? Right??

But right now, I really need to stop those demons from getting hold of me again.

Tch

Yeah I'm a pretty terrible person.

When will I ever learn to be a better person, be less selfish, less angsty and less stupid!

Okay that last one. Idk mann.

Alright maybe less judgemental.

Oh well I guess... 2016 goals?

HAH. As if that would ever happen

Double Standards

Double standards, or am I expecting too much?

Like seriously. I get it that everyone has their own secrets and stuff they don't want to share, but I just can't help but feel as though there's this kind of ... double standards going around and it's starting to annoy me  a lot.

I mean, when people ask me things, I'm always more than happy to share. Right? Even if it's not a straight reply, the answer somehow still finds its way there.

"Must tell me hor!" is usually followed up by an update. I say usually because there're always instances where I genuinely forget or I just don't want to tell you.

So what's my beef? I mean, if there are times where even I don't want to tell people things, surely I must understand that people won't want to tell me things too?

Gosh this is starting to sound more and more petty. But since I'm already halfway through this, oh well.

Well, yeah I get it, there are things people won't want to share.

Double standard comes in when you ask me something and expect me to reply, but when I ask that back to you, you don't want to tell me anything. All day all night, seriously.

I mean come on la. Only reason why I get so annoyed is because we're supposed to be good friends right? Or is it my problem that I pour out all details to you and I shouldn't expect that in return?

Maybe it's really just me who's the problem, yeah? Like, I shouldn't be so open about my stuff and shouldn't expect people to be either.

Honestly. Why ask people questions that you're not prepared to answer yourself?

Okay, whatever. I accept that I'm expecting way too much. Go on with your lives everyone, I guess I'm done ranting. Hey, I even got a reflection out of it! How awesome is that.

BYE.

SO FREAKING ADORABLE OMG

So like I'm walking to the mrt using the new business school and it passes through some part of the engineering school.

So there's this window which I can look in and see some guys doing some work inside the lab and they noticed me looking.

And like obviously these people already planned it because they had placards on their table and quickly held it up pointing at me and giving heart signs?!

It was freaking funny cos the signs said stuff like 'dating 9.5/10'
'you look great today' and stuff and stuff and it was damn funny so I just laughed and like thumbs up them.

The kind of thing that only exists in animes!

When the wind blows

When dreams remain dreams

It's funny, you know?

When we're young, we have so many dreams and aspirations, so many hopes and ambitions.

Yet in the end, how many of us actually end up doing what we said we wanted to do at the age of 12? (it's a random number I picked haha)

I'm actually growing up.  😒

All the stuff I said I wanted to be or do, I never actually did.

Little by little, I'm losing interest in things that once captivated me for hours.

It feels like I'm losing interest in life itself. Everything feels boring. It's almost like there's no meaning to doing anything anymore.

My hobbies aren't fun anymore. My studies feel meaningless. It's like I'm floating by, barely touching reality because I really don't know what's going on and I have little interest to find out.

Everyday it's just wake up, eat, chill, eat, chill, sleep. Basic fundamentals of human life. I barely wake up feeling excited and happy to be alive. If I didn't have someone visiting me almost every morning to look forward to, I wouldn't know what to do waking up at all.

It's like I look around myself sometimes thinking, what am I doing with my life? What am I doing?

Everyone has a plan of some sort. Backup plans even. And I'm just taking it as it goes along.

Okay maybe I'm just sitting bored so I decided to write a post. But I got to go now so that's all for now folks

Tsk this family ah

Fucked up leh you know?

Excuse the language I guess 😒

Xian qi the daughter never see msg cannot video call. For once I try be good and tell Jie talk to dad cos he probably misses you.

Seeing that he favours her more and all right? Makes sense right?

But nooo we both ready to set up for him and he's too lazy to get up and see the daughter he hasn't seen for the past month or so.

Riiiight. So... All he wanted was to show her face to ah mah? For? Are we on good terms with her? Seems like everyone but her knows that that's nowhere near the truth.

Well. You have parents who can't let go of their apron strings, parents who only want to let go of one string, and parents who just can't wait to let them go.

Okay I apologise for the language earlier. As a daughter I shouldn't be so crude describing my family. 

But of course I'm annoyed. Sigh. Okay. Bye.

Before I go off for dinner

I really need to get this off my chest.

It's really saddening. But I shouldn't despair just yet.

Yet, knowing that something like that may sometime in the future hurt everything, it's kinda frustrating.

Unyielding.

Not that it can be anything else.

Like that how? It's so hard.