More stupid insecurities?

I mean, I know it's probably just over thinking and stupid petty insecurities but today really felt as though you don't really care? Like, I know I'm wrong, I know I'm probably being overly sensitive. But it still feels as though I'm the only one being stupidly into this now. And I just hate what I'm turning into again like ffs.

Maybe people just busy today and I'm being petty and demanding la. Being so selfish. Tsk. Er. Snap out of your sissy world can anot.

Or maybe it's just the mood swings. Which I really want to share and just whine about. But I don't even think you'd bother about it. So there's no point, right? What's wrong with me. Can't even handle a little cramps alone.

I should just change the title of this blog to "Get a grip" since everytime I'm here I tell myself that.

Get a grip can.

Another thing to wish for

Like being better at comforting people. How do people do that? I don't get it, but I wish I knew how.

Still not enough

Why does it still feel like I'm not good enough at anything. Is it just not enough effort. Am I not trying hard enough. Is that why. How to try harder. Idk. Maybe just meant to be a mediocre person in life bah. Everything also suck.

I want out.

Really leh. I hate Sundays. I hate this whole shit. Can't even access my house toilet because dear guest-lady is over and they're, I don't know, sleeping late today?

Am I being angsty because I have to move again today or because of recent developments in life? I mean part of me knows the answer and ffs Er get a fucking grip. I don't like feeling this dependant and being this moody for no good reason.

Okay. The weather's good today, I have work to get done, and screw the budget I can eat grass the rest of the week. I refuse to stay like this on a beautiful Sunday.

Also, they're awake, yay. Nope I don't think I'll have brekkie with them, no thank you. My father's all yours lady.

Miss those fluffballs

Feels like I've been dreaming about keeping pets again a lot. Damnit I need my furballs again. Need to start scheming/planning when can I keep one again. Rabbit, dog, both, I don't care man I want some cuteness and fluff in my life again t.t

But everyone looks older than you

So my dad was asking me if my friend's father is about his age or older, and I replied, "He looks older, but everyone looks older than you so."

And this father of mine just let out a hearty "HAHAHA, of course HAHAHA!"

... My father. HAHA. The best natural combatant to aging is squash and running for 30 years.

...

Are you serious? Each and every one of you wants me to be friends with him again. Right. Sure.

Two places

There're definitely benefits to it.

But can I also say how sick I am of moving up and down.

Could be just poor (really poor) planning on my part. Probably.

But this is ridiculous la.

I just want to sit down with my pencils and paper for a day.

I supposed friends do articulate it better. The time and space to properly heal, why didn't that cross my mind? Thanks YL, haha, I really do feel better after talking to you.

Come to think of it, this is like code-switching isn't it haha, dominant langs and all.

Okay enough nerd, enough emo. Who knows who set the bridge on fire but what's done is done. Onwards, as YL said.

Why is it that even a year after I'm still shedding tears over things related to this shit.

Why does it always seem like I'm the one at fault here. Did I really do something wrong?

Why is it that I can't do anything right with this.

What am I sad about?

It's here. The insecurities are all around again. What's going on. Why are they back. Go away. I don't want to deal with you anymore. Why does everything seem so dark and gloomy. I don't want this. Go away.

Let me study in peace.

How are you supposed to respond when your mother's 心事 is to die early?

What are you supposed to say when your mother says she doesn't plan on being there for you after a certain age?

Nod and say, "Sure thing mom."?

Or maybe I'm just not mature enough to respond to her problems like a peer.

No. Because all I can do sit there and cry at the thought that my mom doesn't plan on being there for as long as possible.

Running away

I like running away from things.

That way, I don't have to face them.

Tuition and others

Tsk Walao sibei angsty leh.

Tmr class at first say don't have, then later change and say have so now is 1-430pm.

Ya la. Is just me la. But I don't like such last min changes here and there like, make up your mind and tell me can? Don't last min want change here change there.

Doesn't help that sigh I've been eating so much recently, suddenly everyone I'm with wants to eat desserts and my fat self just can't say no so there we go extreme guilt is settling in.

I can't take it leh. I'm really hating my body right now. I don't like how it feels. I don't like it at all.

Need to drag myself out and feel healthier again. Really cannot take it. Everything feels horrible. My internal systems feel like dying everytime I ingest something sweet. Feel like hurling when I think about it.

Oh man. I don't like being like this la. I want to enjoy my food and life. Stop being so whiny and weak can anot Er.

Gah I really hate myself. Why did I do this to myself, oh goddess.

Why didn't I start earlier? Why didn't I have more discipline? Why am I still here typing and not memorising?

And all the junk food that I've been eating. I'm starting to hate my body so much again. I mean, like hell yeah I love eating all those food but, damn it. I don't like the consequences. I need to exercise soon. I don't like myself like this. I hate myself like this.

On the bright side, one paper down! Just 2 more to go.

Privatisation

Yeah, so I was wondering if I should actually private this blog. 

Surely you weren't thinking that I was going to go political or talk business, were you? xD Puh-leese. 

So back to the matter on hand. I mean, it's not like anyone has been viewing this from the beginning, so there really isn't much difference with privating it or not. If that's the case, though, then why so hesitant? 

I don't get myself, haha. Damn it. I mean, okay. I've always figured that if I was going to put something on the internet, no point trying to do privacy settings because if I really didn't want anyone to see this, it'll be in my diary. 

Although, this is really a lot less strenuous for the hand. Damn, how lazy have I gotten? As though typing assignments all semester wasn't enough. 

So. 

Okay. 

I don't know. 

Hahahaha. 

EL2111 exam tomorrow morning. Am I prepared for it? Hell no. I really just gave up halfway. So. Good luck to me tomorrow hahahaha. 

On the bright side, in less than errr. 12? hours, I WILL BE DONE WITH PETER'S MOD. 

I can do this! 

EL2111

I have never felt so much resistance, hatred and annoyance for one module as I have studying for this exam.

Less than 24 hrs before I get properly screwed by this mod.

MEH

I'm so bored right now.

From studying.

HAHAHA.

So.

Simultaneous bilinguals have increased bilateral activation, while sequential bilinguals experience more lateralisation on the left side of the brain for both languages. Is it? Let me check my notes.

Okay. HAHA.

I'm so screwed.

I don't know man. 

Me and my half-assed memory work.

Legit just gonna go in and wing everything sia.

Okay. Let me continue trying to study,

This is horrifying.

Hahahahaha.

Uhm

I'm .... I'm a bit worried.

What am I doing?

I wanted to talk to my friend about this like, two? weeks ago. Because I don't think I'm doing this right.

But just nice that day some stuff came up and we couldn't meet. And after all, school hell continued plus exams are right around the corner so there's no way I can bring this up anymore.

Still...

I... Don't think I'm doing this right. And honestly, come to think of it, I should stop. Why didn't I? SX was like, "Well there's only one reason for continuing talking to him right?"

Is it really? I didn't think so leh. Or am I just being oblivious? No leh. I know myself well enough to know if I'm trying to fake myself or not. Right?

So many questions, haha.

Perhaps it was thoughtless of me. To continue the way I did, or am, actually.

But .... Okay. If I wasn't, I would've shunned avoided blocked etc etc? Well. I suppose to a certain extent that's true. But it's not like, I mean, これは友達だよ！それに、いい友達よ！こんなのことはとてもnot worth it だよ！

So many 'but's.

Is it selfish of me? I think I was being really selfish. What kind of impression have I given? What kind of hopes? What have I been doing? 做人不可以这样的彦娥，是不可以的!

これからどうする？そのままにする？このままじゃ it'll be too late...

Why like that. 为何啊。 　

This is not working out

One whole damn afternoon on one chapter? Something not right.

Why the hell is this chapter so long.

Walao eh.