Happiness

"Happiness is an unachievable myth peddled by those who refuse to admit that the world's default state is misery" - exurb1a, Epsilon dies backwards

Why do we speak of those who choose to chase the neverending race of happiness as if they were fools and like we're on higher ground just because we acknowledge the misery that we're in and never escaping?

Why speak of it like it's wrong and fruitless?

Oh right, because life is ultimately misery after all.

Well you can have your higher knowledge of life's misery and not peddle in happiness then. I'd rather stay ignorant and seek small packets happiness where I can in life.

Maybe the point of this quote missed me. I don't know. But I'll keep peddling in what it calls a myth anyway.

No, I don't like this feeling. Hahahaha actually, it's just like that silly song lyric that goes hello darkness my old friend.

No, no. I'm being melodramatic. This feeling will pass eventually, when - I sure as hell hope it's before I leave for my dental appointment.

It's so stupid. Okay wait no. Cannot anyhow say stupid. Let's try to work this out.

Feeling sad/upset because someone else is feeling down and there's absolutely nothing I can do.

And nothing I say or do is helping or working. What if it's making things worse? Then if I were to just poof from contact.. Nope that's selfish and stupid too.

Maybe it's just the feeling of helplessness or, more bluntly - being useless.

Can't even find a job for the semester either. And I'm so damn broke. I can see the failure in life just charging at me full speed ahead.

But I digress.

I need to get out of this stupid feeling. Its heavy. And I absolutely hate it.

Okay. I don't really understand why I'm feeling like that la. Someone is sad therefore I am sad. I feel useless to the person feeling sad therefore I feel even more sad. I'm trying to maintain some decent level of cheer in desperate attempt to be useful to someone despite being upset which therefore makes me even more upset because.... Dissonance? I don't know.

Okay. Good summary though.

It feels like I'm going to lose something. No, not my mind, haha.

Is a brief moment of happiness better than nothing at all? I don't know, I'm kinda scared.

Grip hard, girl. And toss that stupid feeling out the window. Enough wallowing for the day.

I'm really not doing anything right, am I.

I don't understand.

I don't get it.

Why doesn't anything feel right? Why isn't anything I do right?

Saying the wrong things over and over again, hurting people's feelings.

I must be such a mess for my mother to look at me and constantly worry. Worry, worry, worry.

Er, mummy worries a lot about you.

Er, you're too sheltered.

Er, 你真的很笨 leh.

What am I doing wrong? Everything? Am I doing anything right at all?

Where do I go from here? Go out and experience more? But I'm too silly, naive and foolish to go out and experience things? What do you want me to do? Why can't I do anything without being nagged at, scolded for something?

It's always, you can do more, do better. Then when it gets stressful, aiyo why so stressed.

I want to decide my own life. I don't want to be influenced by people anymore. I want my own decisions.

I mean. I get judged/nagged/讲到 either way anyway.

Motivation..?

Ridiculous insecurities aside, god this really is the month of 心事 isn't it?

I miss the little excitement I used to feel from even the smallest things. Walking in the sunshine, the touch the rain scented wind upon my face at 6am in the morning, blasting music and sketching furiously or plonking off tune piano keys repeatedly until a semblance of melody forms. Where did all these go?

My mind is blank. I can't draw. There's no inspiration or excitement to bring an image to life because there's none anymore. And the older I get, the worse it feels. No matter how many years I work at it, it's still not good. It's not excitement anymore, it's discontentment and disappointment.

What about that stubborn insistence that got me through music scores I never thought I'd finish? Did I just get lazy?

Why is my email not loading hello. Horrible.

But its okay. I'm slowly coming to accept that I will forever suck at all these. And that my work comp will never load my email @£#(=_%@+_#£!. But maybe if I try a little everyday again, I'll regain that little love and excitement for my art. If I explore more books and stop being so lazy to watch some actual shows (read: not tea/drama channels), I'll get that those little cogwheels turning again.

Plus, I have the violin now, so I really should practice.

Okay! Enough with the sombre and sulky attitude Er. You're just sulking because you've gotten so lazy good goddess. Tsk.

Back to work ~

Even more insecure thoughts

Still trying to figure out why I feel sad. So I can sleep lol.

Maybe because at that moment it kind of snapped me back to the reality that someday things will eventually end?

Once school starts, that's it then. The brief moment of fun and happiness that cannot be put in hold will end, and all that will be left is another memory to slowly erase.

It just feels like everything is really for nothing at the end of the day if the person is going to leave eventually.

I'd rather not taste the happiness then.