Flashback

Pretty tired right now, so I'm tucked into bed and slowly closing my eyes when my sister's piano music drifts into my room.

Gave me a really nostalgic feeling and flashback to a really long time ago when I would be just waking up from naps in the room to the sound of my sister's playing.

From the dim lighting in my room, to the light under my door and the soft playing of music, it's been so long since I last had my sister's music gently wake me, or in this case, lull me to sleep.

Long sentence Oops.

Goodnight.

Really?

Is it like, there's no other option unless I wholly agree with your beliefs? Can there be no compromise?

What does this mean then, I can't talk about my beliefs because you don't like it or believe in it? I can't even share what I feel is important to me with you?

Why am I doing this anyway then. When you expect me to be perfectly open towards yours but you are so closed minded towards mine.

I can, and I will

Too many reality shocks and realisations today. Hearing it and knowing it to be true is just depressing, and it makes you judge every life decision you made up till this day.

Painful as it was, it was a well needed wake up call and I'm glad to have had it. Everything that I was feeling was put into words and finally didn't feel unfounded.

It's tough, and it will be even more so in the future. But when it's time to cross that bridge, I can, and I will. 

I did it!

Yup. I did it. I took the step to ending my annoyance and ... yeah I guess just annoyance to the whole situation.

No point creating needless suffering for yourself, especially when the other party probably doesn't know or care.

So I did it. And I feel a little better. It was pretty petty of me, I know, this whole thing.

Wanted to change the URL but couldn't think of any so meh for the moment.

Till the next time!

Detaching

I can't remember where I read this. But I really wish I did because I think I really need it again.

So many 'I' in that paragraph.

Something along the lines "Learn to recognise those feelings and detach yourself from it"

Nowhere near positive sounding, huh? In fact now that I'm reading it again, it sounds terrible! Emotional detachment? Seriously?

Maybe that's why I'm such a horrible person. Hmm... 

But well, it helped when I needed it to. I mean, it stopped me from entering mindless crushes..  (no offense but well I didn't want to crush on anyone then and it totally helped keep it in check). Helped when I got jealous or angry.

Special exceptions to those moments when detachment just wasn't possible Oops.

Like...  It let me step back and examine those feelings as neutrally as possible. Why am I feeling jealous or angry? Why do I feel inclined to that person?

Although more often than not I'd step back, or run as far as possible, before throwing that feeling away to settle down my emotions.

I know, I know. Running away! The coward's way out! DISHONOUR!

I can hear it all man. 'Learn to control your emotions, running away isn't the answer. One day it'll catch up with you and you'll have to face it eventually. Stand and confront those feelings and make peace with yourself!'

And so on and so forth.  Right? Right??

But right now, I really need to stop those demons from getting hold of me again.

Tch

Yeah I'm a pretty terrible person.

When will I ever learn to be a better person, be less selfish, less angsty and less stupid!

Okay that last one. Idk mann.

Alright maybe less judgemental.

Oh well I guess... 2016 goals?

HAH. As if that would ever happen

Double Standards

Double standards, or am I expecting too much?

Like seriously. I get it that everyone has their own secrets and stuff they don't want to share, but I just can't help but feel as though there's this kind of ... double standards going around and it's starting to annoy me  a lot.

I mean, when people ask me things, I'm always more than happy to share. Right? Even if it's not a straight reply, the answer somehow still finds its way there.

"Must tell me hor!" is usually followed up by an update. I say usually because there're always instances where I genuinely forget or I just don't want to tell you.

So what's my beef? I mean, if there are times where even I don't want to tell people things, surely I must understand that people won't want to tell me things too?

Gosh this is starting to sound more and more petty. But since I'm already halfway through this, oh well.

Well, yeah I get it, there are things people won't want to share.

Double standard comes in when you ask me something and expect me to reply, but when I ask that back to you, you don't want to tell me anything. All day all night, seriously.

I mean come on la. Only reason why I get so annoyed is because we're supposed to be good friends right? Or is it my problem that I pour out all details to you and I shouldn't expect that in return?

Maybe it's really just me who's the problem, yeah? Like, I shouldn't be so open about my stuff and shouldn't expect people to be either.

Honestly. Why ask people questions that you're not prepared to answer yourself?

Okay, whatever. I accept that I'm expecting way too much. Go on with your lives everyone, I guess I'm done ranting. Hey, I even got a reflection out of it! How awesome is that.

BYE.

SO FREAKING ADORABLE OMG

So like I'm walking to the mrt using the new business school and it passes through some part of the engineering school.

So there's this window which I can look in and see some guys doing some work inside the lab and they noticed me looking.

And like obviously these people already planned it because they had placards on their table and quickly held it up pointing at me and giving heart signs?!

It was freaking funny cos the signs said stuff like 'dating 9.5/10'
'you look great today' and stuff and stuff and it was damn funny so I just laughed and like thumbs up them.

The kind of thing that only exists in animes!

When the wind blows

When dreams remain dreams

It's funny, you know?

When we're young, we have so many dreams and aspirations, so many hopes and ambitions.

Yet in the end, how many of us actually end up doing what we said we wanted to do at the age of 12? (it's a random number I picked haha)

I'm actually growing up.  😒

All the stuff I said I wanted to be or do, I never actually did.

Little by little, I'm losing interest in things that once captivated me for hours.

It feels like I'm losing interest in life itself. Everything feels boring. It's almost like there's no meaning to doing anything anymore.

My hobbies aren't fun anymore. My studies feel meaningless. It's like I'm floating by, barely touching reality because I really don't know what's going on and I have little interest to find out.

Everyday it's just wake up, eat, chill, eat, chill, sleep. Basic fundamentals of human life. I barely wake up feeling excited and happy to be alive. If I didn't have someone visiting me almost every morning to look forward to, I wouldn't know what to do waking up at all.

It's like I look around myself sometimes thinking, what am I doing with my life? What am I doing?

Everyone has a plan of some sort. Backup plans even. And I'm just taking it as it goes along.

Okay maybe I'm just sitting bored so I decided to write a post. But I got to go now so that's all for now folks

Tsk this family ah

Fucked up leh you know?

Excuse the language I guess 😒

Xian qi the daughter never see msg cannot video call. For once I try be good and tell Jie talk to dad cos he probably misses you.

Seeing that he favours her more and all right? Makes sense right?

But nooo we both ready to set up for him and he's too lazy to get up and see the daughter he hasn't seen for the past month or so.

Riiiight. So... All he wanted was to show her face to ah mah? For? Are we on good terms with her? Seems like everyone but her knows that that's nowhere near the truth.

Well. You have parents who can't let go of their apron strings, parents who only want to let go of one string, and parents who just can't wait to let them go.

Okay I apologise for the language earlier. As a daughter I shouldn't be so crude describing my family. 

But of course I'm annoyed. Sigh. Okay. Bye.

Before I go off for dinner

I really need to get this off my chest.

It's really saddening. But I shouldn't despair just yet.

Yet, knowing that something like that may sometime in the future hurt everything, it's kinda frustrating.

Unyielding.

Not that it can be anything else.

Like that how? It's so hard. 

Reality again

It's so depressing cos I had so much fun ever overseas in Japan but now I'm back in hazy singapore and damn the caffeine crash is real

See all the project reminders like freaking sian plus I gained weight from overseas like zzz and the worst part is I can't go swim or run to work it off or feel better because of the stupid haze like walao I feel damn fat now lor tsk the trip back to reality us so bad and it's hitting so hard and I'm just really sad now

Oh my goodness what is going on

Why suddenly my life got so much dramarama.

GET A GRIP EVERYONE WE CAN PULL THOUGH LIFE TOGETHER

Why!

Ya like why other girls wear shirt and shorts they still look so feminine and cute and stuff but I wear shirt and shorts it's just lupsup I don't get it

Step deep (warning it's really step one)

As the lids fall shut and the world turns dark, I heave a sigh and submit myself to the swirling currents of my thoughts.

As sleep creeps closer and reaches out to me, will the currents slow and still itself, or drown and consume me?

As dreams are woven by sleep herself, will she choose to line it with silver and gold, and present me an offering of a peaceful night, or will she line it with coal, dark and coarse, rough and unforgiving to torment my wearied mind and deprive it of a good night's rest. 

As day breaks and the sun rises, the waters turn calm and still. Gone are the torrential waves that seek to occupy and consume the mind, gone is sleep, whatever mischief she was up to before, gone is the cold darkness and come light once more.

Yet beneath the surface of the deep blue sea, not too far, merely a hand's reach, there lie the thoughts lurking quietly, biding it's time until night falls once more.

Tell you step deep already. I clap for myself, wah so deep also can post. Thick skin level max 1000 hahahaha. Goodnight everyone ~

Yan Er

Only reason why I'm here is because Internet is down and I'm so damn bored

Exactly as it says above. Freaking Internet. I want my guild wars!

So right now I'm just like staring and stoning into space.

Stoone.

Staare.

I'm really confused.

Sooo confused about everythinggg.

If only I could have those wings I've dreamt of having for years and just fly off somewhere.

Screw all the troubles and worries and mumble jumble.

I don't even know what to think.

Or is it just mood swings, idk man haha.

What to do, what to do?

Well.

What can I say? Awkward moment there.

Having issues part 2 because part 1 too long already

But hey having issues in more ways than  1. Like my internet connectivity. Got problem sia. Hope it's not the bill thing. Anyway. Part 2 right?

And gosh while it's incredibly stupid for me to hope no one sees this when I'm posting it on the world wide web, I still kinda y'know, hope. A bit sensitive you see. 

Anyway. I know that when someone shows you (very happily and excitedly may I add) something they really like or believe in, I'm supposed to listen to the best of my abilities because it matters so much to them.

But man. It's so terribly mean to say this but. Okay. Let's just say. That in a certain Holy ground I will definitely, most definitely a hundred percent fall asleep because well. Yeah.

And it's so horrible of me gosh like I'm so sorry man. And goodness knows I'm not known for my patience, ever.

And (lots of Ands today) while I did try, it was a terrible effort.

Yet at the same time. Part of me was just so uncomfortable. I don't even know why. But it was so uncomfortable. I just didn't know how to respond to it. It's like if someone shows you their drawings, you know the polite response even if you're not interested would be to at least glance at it and pay a small compliment like 'Oh, that's really nice.'

Or like if someone is going on about how great Bach and his music is. You kinda like nod and go along? 'Yeah Yeah, I see. Oh, does it really? I'm completely tone deaf, I guess he must be really great though.'

Polite interest.

But like. What do I do here? Sure, in a better mood I can do most of what I just described. But if they look at you waiting for a response, what am I supposed to say? Something so sensitive like that, seriously the only honest thing I can say without fearing it being offensive is admitting I have no idea what in the world the other person is talking about.

Which.. Did I? I don't remember.

I'm a horrible person and but I guess I deserve this cos it feels like karma is coming after me with a vengeance.

How is this going to work man? I don't get it. I really don't. I don't fault the logic behind it but...  I really don't know what to say.

I hope it works out. I really do. 

Having issues

Always got problems one so what to do? It's like karma coming to bite me in the ass sometimes.

First thing is like.

Eh. Why my guild wars cannot load. No oooo I want to play leh can load anot pleaase. Sigh anyway.

First thing is like you know that realisation that you're so freaking average in life. Like oh everyone has something they can do well in. Some people can game well, some people can sports well (you get what I mean la) some people can art well, cook well, music well, smart well, all the damn talents everywhere.

Then you take a look at yourself.

Wah this guild wars testing my patience. Shall restart comp. Orr. Heh. Orr. Or I could play Sims. Hmm. Okay. Let's load Sims.

Yeah back to looking at myself. Can't game. Enjoy game but honestly suck at it and don't know what I'm doing half the time it's embarrassing. Can't sports well. Just look at... My WiFi signal... Is having issues...  Ugh.

No no that's not what I want you to look at. Although just look at it! Not working.

Anyway. Yeah just look at my cca. Worst player, slowest runner, weakest player, slowest reaction, least improved. It's embarrassing. I love playing it but let's face it, I'm not good enough. Ever.

Then we have art. Yeah people say I can art well. Drawing I guess. But out there, it's mediocre at best. On an average, I guess it's better than nothing.

Music? Sure I can play. But talent? Nope nothing there. Play by ear? Sorry only one hand which is... Pathetic cos what's the point. Express feelings and crap? My music is monotonous. Like my life actually haha.

Yeah and people say I smart well. But social media tells you good grades doesn't mean you're smart, means you're obedient, slave to school system, memory machine. Means you're dumb but happens the system that tests if you're smart or not fits you. Yeah I know, not creative or street smart or anything.

Okay yeah y'all probably thinking, this girl putting herself down on purpose, you have good grades and you complaining? What's your issue?! You can draw and you can play the piano? I can't even do that etc etc.  (I know cos that's exactly what I would think)

Oh my God it's really not connecting I really want my guild wars!

Then why am I doing this? I just feel so inadequate, so average. Like, I'm not good at anything.  Yeah Yeah practice more, try harder etc etc. Maybe I'm really just not trying hard enough.

Wah type so long already but I actually still have something else to talk about. Let's split this into 2.