Merry Christmas

Played overcooked with Sam while Ter napped on my bed.

Received a sweet, sweet voice message from J wishing me Merry Christmas. 

I'm happy ^^

一人でなんか寂しいね

I'm not alone.

I'm really, really not alone. 

I am so so loved. And I know that. 

So why is it that at the end of the day, when I lie down in bed, it feels like I'm alone in it all?

I'm being dramatic, of course. I mean, sometimes, when I'm with people, I just want to be alone. But when I'm alone, I want to be with people. 

I think is just me being difficult la. Either way also not happy. 

Songs

You know how when you listen to a song you haven't listened to in a long while, you get to experience all the emotions you've ever felt when you first heard it all over again?

This just resparked my love for that anime trash Free! Damn. 

Moving on

So much has happened, and I'm just watching from the sidelines like the fool that I am.

I suppose after that, I must truly bid this goodbye. I haven't been the person I should have been for you despite everything that you've done for me.

I'm sorry. I really am. And I know that, at least for a really long time here on, this guilt will stay with me. Deservedly, I guess.

Hustling

What a misleading title, I'm not hustling at all.

But. Must. Get. Up. And. Continue. Working.

.....

Come on, you can do it.

There's work to be done.

Lunch

So hungry but no one to eat with.

I hate eating alone outside.

Sigh

I did it again. Again.

Hmmm

I'm not sure how to feel now.

You're being self-centred and unreasonable Er. Stop it.

End

The end.

I hope you've at least learnt something from this whole episode, Er.

Mods

I really really really just need to decide leh. Walao.

Sem 1

It's definitely going to be a lonely and difficult semester, I think.

It feels like I've turned from the role of the supported to the support - and I don't know how to do that. It's scary.

Also, people will move on. He will move on to a person better than me. Nothing for me to comment beyond that, I suppose. It's just a weird, sad feeling. At the same time, I'll be a little glad when he does.

Ahhhh. I screwed it all up, right as uni is about to poofle before my very eyes.

Poofle.

Heartbreaks

So much of that heartbrokeness going around these days.

Why is it so difficult?

Salty

Salty, legit low key salty.

I mean, I mentioned so many times but apparently cannot la so I doubt my words carried as much weight as was said to be?

Nah I'm just being damn salty.

But hey, whatever works right? As long as its better then okay la nothing to complain then.

I mean, it's pretty とうぜん so... Aight it's gonna be alright.

And thus the circle shrinks yet once again.

Goodnight world.

Silence

I mean, I think I'll just have to get used to the silence again.

It was a great time while it lasted, I suppose. But it's not a luxury that is for me to have anymore now.

Maybe I should download Mystic Messenger again, HAHA. False company for the next 10 days.

Sigh

I was really looking forward to it but nope.

And its really 仕方ない的东西 you know? So like, what to do?

Ya lor. What to do.

School's starting

School's starting next week, and it feels like it's going to get real lonely when it does.

I don't know what I want anymore.

Endings

I deserve none of the care, consideration, love and affection that I've received.

Tomorrow

I am afraid of what the 'morrow will bring.

Poofs

Haha I wonder if packing up and literally running away from my problems is an option.

It's not. I know.

But damn I wish it were.

Tsk tsk

I can smell resin in my room. Which is probably not a good thing, so I hope I wake up tomorrow haha. I took it out from under my bed but I don't get it, I can still smell it. Is something leaking??? The largest bottle I have is almost empty so it can't be leaking. Where is this smell coming from????

Maybe placing art supplies directly under my bed isn't such a good idea after all.

In other news -

I've messed up so many things recently, what's new right? But it feels like the mess ups are getting worse. Am I even learning from my mistakes???

From the birth giver to the friend, what in the world am I doing la sia.

Also, the resin smell is really getting to me. Can't have leaked that badly right??? Looks like I've got to clean out that drawer ASAP tomorrow.

So the birth giver is majorly upset at me - fine, I understand. The friend is also upset at me - also understand.

Clearly I'm doing a lot of things wrong for so many to be upset at me.

Just slowly accepting that I'm a horrible person but no must learn and become better.

How to become better? Even the gods have given up on me.

Okay no cannot be so salty towards the gods. I help myself first then I go the you okay.

So, how?

Oh my god the resin SMELL I SWEAR I WILL EXPIRE EARLY FROM THESE FUMES.

NO CHOY TOUCH WOOD.

Okay wait so how.

Next time learn to be patient, calm, collected when talking to the birth giver. Inform her of plans. Be patient. Be sure of self. (??)

Then next time, understand self and learn to say no. Aiyo. Honestly is pure self stupidity that led to this so is really all my fault la tsk.

I'm going to have such a shit ton of bad karma in this life.

Happiness

"Happiness is an unachievable myth peddled by those who refuse to admit that the world's default state is misery" - exurb1a, Epsilon dies backwards

Why do we speak of those who choose to chase the neverending race of happiness as if they were fools and like we're on higher ground just because we acknowledge the misery that we're in and never escaping?

Why speak of it like it's wrong and fruitless?

Oh right, because life is ultimately misery after all.

Well you can have your higher knowledge of life's misery and not peddle in happiness then. I'd rather stay ignorant and seek small packets happiness where I can in life.

Maybe the point of this quote missed me. I don't know. But I'll keep peddling in what it calls a myth anyway.

No, I don't like this feeling. Hahahaha actually, it's just like that silly song lyric that goes hello darkness my old friend.

No, no. I'm being melodramatic. This feeling will pass eventually, when - I sure as hell hope it's before I leave for my dental appointment.

It's so stupid. Okay wait no. Cannot anyhow say stupid. Let's try to work this out.

Feeling sad/upset because someone else is feeling down and there's absolutely nothing I can do.

And nothing I say or do is helping or working. What if it's making things worse? Then if I were to just poof from contact.. Nope that's selfish and stupid too.

Maybe it's just the feeling of helplessness or, more bluntly - being useless.

Can't even find a job for the semester either. And I'm so damn broke. I can see the failure in life just charging at me full speed ahead.

But I digress.

I need to get out of this stupid feeling. Its heavy. And I absolutely hate it.

Okay. I don't really understand why I'm feeling like that la. Someone is sad therefore I am sad. I feel useless to the person feeling sad therefore I feel even more sad. I'm trying to maintain some decent level of cheer in desperate attempt to be useful to someone despite being upset which therefore makes me even more upset because.... Dissonance? I don't know.

Okay. Good summary though.

It feels like I'm going to lose something. No, not my mind, haha.

Is a brief moment of happiness better than nothing at all? I don't know, I'm kinda scared.

Grip hard, girl. And toss that stupid feeling out the window. Enough wallowing for the day.

I'm really not doing anything right, am I.

I don't understand.

I don't get it.

Why doesn't anything feel right? Why isn't anything I do right?

Saying the wrong things over and over again, hurting people's feelings.

I must be such a mess for my mother to look at me and constantly worry. Worry, worry, worry.

Er, mummy worries a lot about you.

Er, you're too sheltered.

Er, 你真的很笨 leh.

What am I doing wrong? Everything? Am I doing anything right at all?

Where do I go from here? Go out and experience more? But I'm too silly, naive and foolish to go out and experience things? What do you want me to do? Why can't I do anything without being nagged at, scolded for something?

It's always, you can do more, do better. Then when it gets stressful, aiyo why so stressed.

I want to decide my own life. I don't want to be influenced by people anymore. I want my own decisions.

I mean. I get judged/nagged/讲到 either way anyway.

Motivation..?

Ridiculous insecurities aside, god this really is the month of 心事 isn't it?

I miss the little excitement I used to feel from even the smallest things. Walking in the sunshine, the touch the rain scented wind upon my face at 6am in the morning, blasting music and sketching furiously or plonking off tune piano keys repeatedly until a semblance of melody forms. Where did all these go?

My mind is blank. I can't draw. There's no inspiration or excitement to bring an image to life because there's none anymore. And the older I get, the worse it feels. No matter how many years I work at it, it's still not good. It's not excitement anymore, it's discontentment and disappointment.

What about that stubborn insistence that got me through music scores I never thought I'd finish? Did I just get lazy?

Why is my email not loading hello. Horrible.

But its okay. I'm slowly coming to accept that I will forever suck at all these. And that my work comp will never load my email @£#(=_%@+_#£!. But maybe if I try a little everyday again, I'll regain that little love and excitement for my art. If I explore more books and stop being so lazy to watch some actual shows (read: not tea/drama channels), I'll get that those little cogwheels turning again.

Plus, I have the violin now, so I really should practice.

Okay! Enough with the sombre and sulky attitude Er. You're just sulking because you've gotten so lazy good goddess. Tsk.

Back to work ~

Even more insecure thoughts

Still trying to figure out why I feel sad. So I can sleep lol.

Maybe because at that moment it kind of snapped me back to the reality that someday things will eventually end?

Once school starts, that's it then. The brief moment of fun and happiness that cannot be put in hold will end, and all that will be left is another memory to slowly erase.

It just feels like everything is really for nothing at the end of the day if the person is going to leave eventually.

I'd rather not taste the happiness then.

More stupid insecurities?

I mean, I know it's probably just over thinking and stupid petty insecurities but today really felt as though you don't really care? Like, I know I'm wrong, I know I'm probably being overly sensitive. But it still feels as though I'm the only one being stupidly into this now. And I just hate what I'm turning into again like ffs.

Maybe people just busy today and I'm being petty and demanding la. Being so selfish. Tsk. Er. Snap out of your sissy world can anot.

Or maybe it's just the mood swings. Which I really want to share and just whine about. But I don't even think you'd bother about it. So there's no point, right? What's wrong with me. Can't even handle a little cramps alone.

I should just change the title of this blog to "Get a grip" since everytime I'm here I tell myself that.

Get a grip can.

Another thing to wish for

Like being better at comforting people. How do people do that? I don't get it, but I wish I knew how.

Still not enough

Why does it still feel like I'm not good enough at anything. Is it just not enough effort. Am I not trying hard enough. Is that why. How to try harder. Idk. Maybe just meant to be a mediocre person in life bah. Everything also suck.

I want out.

Really leh. I hate Sundays. I hate this whole shit. Can't even access my house toilet because dear guest-lady is over and they're, I don't know, sleeping late today?

Am I being angsty because I have to move again today or because of recent developments in life? I mean part of me knows the answer and ffs Er get a fucking grip. I don't like feeling this dependant and being this moody for no good reason.

Okay. The weather's good today, I have work to get done, and screw the budget I can eat grass the rest of the week. I refuse to stay like this on a beautiful Sunday.

Also, they're awake, yay. Nope I don't think I'll have brekkie with them, no thank you. My father's all yours lady.