Detaching

I can't remember where I read this. But I really wish I did because I think I really need it again.

So many 'I' in that paragraph.

Something along the lines "Learn to recognise those feelings and detach yourself from it"

Nowhere near positive sounding, huh? In fact now that I'm reading it again, it sounds terrible! Emotional detachment? Seriously?

Maybe that's why I'm such a horrible person. Hmm... 

But well, it helped when I needed it to. I mean, it stopped me from entering mindless crushes..  (no offense but well I didn't want to crush on anyone then and it totally helped keep it in check). Helped when I got jealous or angry.

Special exceptions to those moments when detachment just wasn't possible Oops.

Like...  It let me step back and examine those feelings as neutrally as possible. Why am I feeling jealous or angry? Why do I feel inclined to that person?

Although more often than not I'd step back, or run as far as possible, before throwing that feeling away to settle down my emotions.

I know, I know. Running away! The coward's way out! DISHONOUR!

I can hear it all man. 'Learn to control your emotions, running away isn't the answer. One day it'll catch up with you and you'll have to face it eventually. Stand and confront those feelings and make peace with yourself!'

And so on and so forth.  Right? Right??

But right now, I really need to stop those demons from getting hold of me again.

Tch

Yeah I'm a pretty terrible person.

When will I ever learn to be a better person, be less selfish, less angsty and less stupid!

Okay that last one. Idk mann.

Alright maybe less judgemental.

Oh well I guess... 2016 goals?

HAH. As if that would ever happen

Double Standards

Double standards, or am I expecting too much?

Like seriously. I get it that everyone has their own secrets and stuff they don't want to share, but I just can't help but feel as though there's this kind of ... double standards going around and it's starting to annoy me  a lot.

I mean, when people ask me things, I'm always more than happy to share. Right? Even if it's not a straight reply, the answer somehow still finds its way there.

"Must tell me hor!" is usually followed up by an update. I say usually because there're always instances where I genuinely forget or I just don't want to tell you.

So what's my beef? I mean, if there are times where even I don't want to tell people things, surely I must understand that people won't want to tell me things too?

Gosh this is starting to sound more and more petty. But since I'm already halfway through this, oh well.

Well, yeah I get it, there are things people won't want to share.

Double standard comes in when you ask me something and expect me to reply, but when I ask that back to you, you don't want to tell me anything. All day all night, seriously.

I mean come on la. Only reason why I get so annoyed is because we're supposed to be good friends right? Or is it my problem that I pour out all details to you and I shouldn't expect that in return?

Maybe it's really just me who's the problem, yeah? Like, I shouldn't be so open about my stuff and shouldn't expect people to be either.

Honestly. Why ask people questions that you're not prepared to answer yourself?

Okay, whatever. I accept that I'm expecting way too much. Go on with your lives everyone, I guess I'm done ranting. Hey, I even got a reflection out of it! How awesome is that.

BYE.

SO FREAKING ADORABLE OMG

So like I'm walking to the mrt using the new business school and it passes through some part of the engineering school.

So there's this window which I can look in and see some guys doing some work inside the lab and they noticed me looking.

And like obviously these people already planned it because they had placards on their table and quickly held it up pointing at me and giving heart signs?!

It was freaking funny cos the signs said stuff like 'dating 9.5/10'
'you look great today' and stuff and stuff and it was damn funny so I just laughed and like thumbs up them.

The kind of thing that only exists in animes!

When the wind blows

When dreams remain dreams

It's funny, you know?

When we're young, we have so many dreams and aspirations, so many hopes and ambitions.

Yet in the end, how many of us actually end up doing what we said we wanted to do at the age of 12? (it's a random number I picked haha)

I'm actually growing up.  😒

All the stuff I said I wanted to be or do, I never actually did.

Little by little, I'm losing interest in things that once captivated me for hours.

It feels like I'm losing interest in life itself. Everything feels boring. It's almost like there's no meaning to doing anything anymore.

My hobbies aren't fun anymore. My studies feel meaningless. It's like I'm floating by, barely touching reality because I really don't know what's going on and I have little interest to find out.

Everyday it's just wake up, eat, chill, eat, chill, sleep. Basic fundamentals of human life. I barely wake up feeling excited and happy to be alive. If I didn't have someone visiting me almost every morning to look forward to, I wouldn't know what to do waking up at all.

It's like I look around myself sometimes thinking, what am I doing with my life? What am I doing?

Everyone has a plan of some sort. Backup plans even. And I'm just taking it as it goes along.

Okay maybe I'm just sitting bored so I decided to write a post. But I got to go now so that's all for now folks

Tsk this family ah

Fucked up leh you know?

Excuse the language I guess 😒

Xian qi the daughter never see msg cannot video call. For once I try be good and tell Jie talk to dad cos he probably misses you.

Seeing that he favours her more and all right? Makes sense right?

But nooo we both ready to set up for him and he's too lazy to get up and see the daughter he hasn't seen for the past month or so.

Riiiight. So... All he wanted was to show her face to ah mah? For? Are we on good terms with her? Seems like everyone but her knows that that's nowhere near the truth.

Well. You have parents who can't let go of their apron strings, parents who only want to let go of one string, and parents who just can't wait to let them go.

Okay I apologise for the language earlier. As a daughter I shouldn't be so crude describing my family. 

But of course I'm annoyed. Sigh. Okay. Bye.

Before I go off for dinner

I really need to get this off my chest.

It's really saddening. But I shouldn't despair just yet.

Yet, knowing that something like that may sometime in the future hurt everything, it's kinda frustrating.

Unyielding.

Not that it can be anything else.

Like that how? It's so hard. 

Reality again

It's so depressing cos I had so much fun ever overseas in Japan but now I'm back in hazy singapore and damn the caffeine crash is real

See all the project reminders like freaking sian plus I gained weight from overseas like zzz and the worst part is I can't go swim or run to work it off or feel better because of the stupid haze like walao I feel damn fat now lor tsk the trip back to reality us so bad and it's hitting so hard and I'm just really sad now

Oh my goodness what is going on

Why suddenly my life got so much dramarama.

GET A GRIP EVERYONE WE CAN PULL THOUGH LIFE TOGETHER

Why!

Ya like why other girls wear shirt and shorts they still look so feminine and cute and stuff but I wear shirt and shorts it's just lupsup I don't get it

Step deep (warning it's really step one)

As the lids fall shut and the world turns dark, I heave a sigh and submit myself to the swirling currents of my thoughts.

As sleep creeps closer and reaches out to me, will the currents slow and still itself, or drown and consume me?

As dreams are woven by sleep herself, will she choose to line it with silver and gold, and present me an offering of a peaceful night, or will she line it with coal, dark and coarse, rough and unforgiving to torment my wearied mind and deprive it of a good night's rest. 

As day breaks and the sun rises, the waters turn calm and still. Gone are the torrential waves that seek to occupy and consume the mind, gone is sleep, whatever mischief she was up to before, gone is the cold darkness and come light once more.

Yet beneath the surface of the deep blue sea, not too far, merely a hand's reach, there lie the thoughts lurking quietly, biding it's time until night falls once more.

Tell you step deep already. I clap for myself, wah so deep also can post. Thick skin level max 1000 hahahaha. Goodnight everyone ~

Yan Er

Only reason why I'm here is because Internet is down and I'm so damn bored

Exactly as it says above. Freaking Internet. I want my guild wars!

So right now I'm just like staring and stoning into space.

Stoone.

Staare.

I'm really confused.

Sooo confused about everythinggg.

If only I could have those wings I've dreamt of having for years and just fly off somewhere.

Screw all the troubles and worries and mumble jumble.

I don't even know what to think.

Or is it just mood swings, idk man haha.

What to do, what to do?

Well.

What can I say? Awkward moment there.

Having issues part 2 because part 1 too long already

But hey having issues in more ways than  1. Like my internet connectivity. Got problem sia. Hope it's not the bill thing. Anyway. Part 2 right?

And gosh while it's incredibly stupid for me to hope no one sees this when I'm posting it on the world wide web, I still kinda y'know, hope. A bit sensitive you see. 

Anyway. I know that when someone shows you (very happily and excitedly may I add) something they really like or believe in, I'm supposed to listen to the best of my abilities because it matters so much to them.

But man. It's so terribly mean to say this but. Okay. Let's just say. That in a certain Holy ground I will definitely, most definitely a hundred percent fall asleep because well. Yeah.

And it's so horrible of me gosh like I'm so sorry man. And goodness knows I'm not known for my patience, ever.

And (lots of Ands today) while I did try, it was a terrible effort.

Yet at the same time. Part of me was just so uncomfortable. I don't even know why. But it was so uncomfortable. I just didn't know how to respond to it. It's like if someone shows you their drawings, you know the polite response even if you're not interested would be to at least glance at it and pay a small compliment like 'Oh, that's really nice.'

Or like if someone is going on about how great Bach and his music is. You kinda like nod and go along? 'Yeah Yeah, I see. Oh, does it really? I'm completely tone deaf, I guess he must be really great though.'

Polite interest.

But like. What do I do here? Sure, in a better mood I can do most of what I just described. But if they look at you waiting for a response, what am I supposed to say? Something so sensitive like that, seriously the only honest thing I can say without fearing it being offensive is admitting I have no idea what in the world the other person is talking about.

Which.. Did I? I don't remember.

I'm a horrible person and but I guess I deserve this cos it feels like karma is coming after me with a vengeance.

How is this going to work man? I don't get it. I really don't. I don't fault the logic behind it but...  I really don't know what to say.

I hope it works out. I really do. 

Having issues

Always got problems one so what to do? It's like karma coming to bite me in the ass sometimes.

First thing is like.

Eh. Why my guild wars cannot load. No oooo I want to play leh can load anot pleaase. Sigh anyway.

First thing is like you know that realisation that you're so freaking average in life. Like oh everyone has something they can do well in. Some people can game well, some people can sports well (you get what I mean la) some people can art well, cook well, music well, smart well, all the damn talents everywhere.

Then you take a look at yourself.

Wah this guild wars testing my patience. Shall restart comp. Orr. Heh. Orr. Or I could play Sims. Hmm. Okay. Let's load Sims.

Yeah back to looking at myself. Can't game. Enjoy game but honestly suck at it and don't know what I'm doing half the time it's embarrassing. Can't sports well. Just look at... My WiFi signal... Is having issues...  Ugh.

No no that's not what I want you to look at. Although just look at it! Not working.

Anyway. Yeah just look at my cca. Worst player, slowest runner, weakest player, slowest reaction, least improved. It's embarrassing. I love playing it but let's face it, I'm not good enough. Ever.

Then we have art. Yeah people say I can art well. Drawing I guess. But out there, it's mediocre at best. On an average, I guess it's better than nothing.

Music? Sure I can play. But talent? Nope nothing there. Play by ear? Sorry only one hand which is... Pathetic cos what's the point. Express feelings and crap? My music is monotonous. Like my life actually haha.

Yeah and people say I smart well. But social media tells you good grades doesn't mean you're smart, means you're obedient, slave to school system, memory machine. Means you're dumb but happens the system that tests if you're smart or not fits you. Yeah I know, not creative or street smart or anything.

Okay yeah y'all probably thinking, this girl putting herself down on purpose, you have good grades and you complaining? What's your issue?! You can draw and you can play the piano? I can't even do that etc etc.  (I know cos that's exactly what I would think)

Oh my God it's really not connecting I really want my guild wars!

Then why am I doing this? I just feel so inadequate, so average. Like, I'm not good at anything.  Yeah Yeah practice more, try harder etc etc. Maybe I'm really just not trying hard enough.

Wah type so long already but I actually still have something else to talk about. Let's split this into 2.

As a daughter

As a daughter, I'm horrible. I'm selfish.

I should be patiently listening to her, giving her encouragements and supporting her they way she does to me.

Yet everytime I just want to run away and not have anything to do with it. I'm so tired of the dramas in life.

Yeah, I know. It has concluded. I should be grateful for how peaceful it is now as compared to the past.

But there's a part of me than just wants to detach myself from everything. Because running away is always easier.

I don't know what to do anymore as a daughter.

Went temple today

Yeah to pray for Jie's flight and my dreams and stuff. 

At the same time decided to just shake shake and ask about some stuff.

So I asked about studies and relationship.  Which she said was fine so I'll just keep trying my best and hope for the best. 

Then grabbed a few amulets for the retail girls cos we going swimming then now 7th month so just bring la right haha but so paiseh grabbed so many then felt so wah so greedy but kept telling myself no no is for my friends so it's okay... Right?

But well you know it's things like that that remind me why I still consider myself a Buddhist because at the very least, I still have some sort of belief in it and to me that's enough for now.

This kind of deep deep stuff eeyugh I not good. Need meet up with gen and talk to her about it.

Everytime. It's been a while

Yeah. It's been a long long while since I felt this weird, heavy feeling on my chest. I believe people usually call it sadness.

Well it's not sad exactly... Kind of like sigh now what do I do kind of sad?

I am so afraid.

So afraid of messing things up. Of hurting people's feelings. Of being anything less than what people expect me to be.

Okay the last one not so much anymore, but I'm still afraid.

But really, what do I do now? Maybe I'm just worrying too much (as usual) in advance.

Yet.. I mean..  Okay come on. Going to a church? That is like one of the top places I never wanted to enter. But telling that to a Christian would be offensive.

At the same time, I really really feel uncomfortable with just the thought that I might have to enter one. Why? I don't even know, which frustrates me quite a little.

At the moment, my interest in religion as a whole is just zilch. And I'm just thinking, if I'm not sincere towards the whole thing,  then for what reason am I there?

I think I'm seriously worrying too much in advance.

Yan Er

I'm so so so in trouble

Like ugh if it was other kinds of trouble it'd be fine but no it has to be this kind ohmygod why

Ouch

Because yesterday my shift ended at 3pm (hell yeah 15 days more whoohoo) so I was early for training (wow am I hardworking haha).

Anyway training as usual, did volley kills with Glenn but we both were being so bad at it as usual. I just don't get volleys man.

Oh oh before training started, cos like coach was late so we had to warm up first, Chun En, Yu Liang,  Remus and I decided to practice rotational drives but halfway through Chun En decided to do some 15 point thing, like whoever misses the shot the opponent gets one point so whoever reaches 15 first wins and the rest down 15 push-ups. 

Damn I somehow through a lot of luck (haha) managed to get 14 but I screwed up so not long latee Chun En won sigh and I tried to bargain like 15 minus how many points we got (insert evil glare from Yu Liang cos he got 7) but the answer was haha no way man ~

Anyway after the drills with Glenn we had to try volleying during rotational drive which I was doing with Glenn but like halfway through wham impact on my right cheek because he somehow managed to volley straight at my face.

Direct shot man haha I think I dropped my racket, I don't remember because everything went white for a split second and I was holding my face going ouch ouch ouch ouch and I only remember looking up and seeing Glenn holding me going IT'S OKAY IT'S OKAY YOU CAN CRY IT'S OKAY TO CRY OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY

And honestly I think the pain was maybe more from shock because my face was numb like really numb and he helped me out of the court and everyone dumped cold water bottles on my face since thank goodness for water coolers near the court Hahaha.

So right now it just looks like a mosquito bite (or love bite according to Remus and Remus only LOL).

That side of the face feels weird though it could just be me feeling overly conscious of it haha like it's not exactly pain but just discomfort.

Everyone started joking afterwards about wracking the other side of the face to even think up just in case it swells or something, haha! But I think it's actually going to be okay lor cos well I don't know, but cheek got alot of cushion and my teeth are still in place so it's okay. 

IT'S OKAY GLENN HAHA I'M FINE ~

Well I'm on the way to work now anyway sigh FIFTEEN DAYS WE CAN DO THIS SHET!

Yan Er

This is random

To all the teachers or basically everyone who never understood why speaking in front of a crowd was like hell for me to the point no one could hear me even with a mike, I'm slowly getting over it myself so  thanks for the non existent support you provided through frustrated looks and sighs

My god I sound so insta what like haha those people post picture then long description. But it just popped up like that in my mind.  The humiliation of being too scared to talk in front of huge groups. 

Okay this is too much for me Hahaha reaching tamp already, another day of ITP down yay!

It's CNY Eve and I'm wondering what to do other than study.

Just like it says above in the title! 

I need to clean the house and bathe Fluffy and clear out my old clothes ... watch Secret Garden hohoho. 

But also need to study ohmygawddd. Sigh. NIce Chinese New Year right? Need to study. OH yeah plus last few days/weeks of year 2. Damn fast leh. I'm going to miss my class so much. THEY ARE SO FREAKING AWESOME CAN. 

Trying to multi-task my cengage right now also haha. 

But like you know last night was funny because after CP we went to Lao Par(?) Sat to eat and then after that we went to walk walk a bit in Bugis Junction ( ohmygod no wonder the girls like to go there the stuff so many and quite cheap hahahaha ) and I was like desperately trying to explain to Mark and Bryan the difference between 'nice to talk to like' and 'like-like' ( I mean you get it right how can you not get it it is so different just because my reaction is like blush here blush there doesn't mean I like the person what it just means I forgot how to react properly when people ask this kind of question I very shy one you know ) and then Mark was like asking "Okay is Bryan the nice to talk to like?" and I was like "Yeah what he is" and Bryan was like "Yeah you see it's HUH WHAT?" 

And like they took 2 seconds to understand what I said and they both turned and looked at me at the same time with the HUH WHAT WHAT look and IT WAS SO FUNNY HAHA CAUGHT THEM OFF-GUARD THERE HOHOHO. 

And I wasn't lying okay Bryan is really a nice to talk to like cos he really nice to talk to what! Then I say Mark is a friend-like ( oops I forgot to click my cengage wait ) because I don't really talk to him that that much right but like he quite nice to talk to also ah see! 

Okay I should really focus on my cengage, got so much to do today. And I finish my breakfast already. 

Happy Birthday Yu Liang LOL sound so old liao. 

Kk Happy CNY also. By the way ear cuffs look cool like damn. 

Bye ~ 

Yan Er 

Jem

The wind was (not gently) blowing, the sky was baby blue, and my mood was the happiest I've felt in a while from morning.
Happiness feels good ~

Tch

I just hate the whole world right now la. 

Judging books

Always see the phrase don't judge book by its cover. 

Usually when i scold/get a little vulgar aka today during training haha people get this super shocked face. 

But like I scold is quite normal leh. Like really. They really never hear before?

Actually.  All my poly friends always feel weird when I scold those because my face doesn't seem to match it.

Calm calm one or poker face or something. Really? Wow my face is really not known to me man. 

So informal today cos after training tired ah. And I wish that this kind of days can go on and on. Those cca people rock you know?

Just that today no one go back with me quite sad ah. Usually whole ride is either I hear Ian talk the whole way or if just me and yu liang then we bullshit some stuff all the way. Fun you know?

Okay almost half my journey done liao. Very stress sia this term. GPA confirm got problem this time one. But no one will believe me.

Aiya.  Reach home bathe then continue stressing. Studies aren't my everything anymore.  I hope. Kk bye. 

Poly better or sec school?

As long as you've graduated from secondary school, everyone will always ask and compare. Now, or then?

Usually, I prefer now to then. But everyone's like "No no no, secondary school was more fun."

In a way, I kind of agree with them. The girl friends I made there feels so much more real. I mean, yeah I hated my school and my cca but the friends I made were pretty awesome.

Actually then why do I say I prefer poly? This is weird. I mean yeah its the first time I can talk to more people in class, more girls actually. No I'm not les. 

The freedom is amazing. My cca is awesome and I love the friends I made there.

I think..  I tend to say I prefer poly because .. probably because I hate myself a lot less than in secondary school. 

Thing is, if I don't sit down and think about all the good times in secondary school, when I think about those four years, I can only see through this dark filter.

Images of myself walking home alone because I had no one to hang with after school. Of me looking down from the fourth floor wondering if life was worth living even though I'm allergic to pain. (Haha). Sitting huddled at the back of class during recess because I hated going for recess. On the steps because everyone left without me.

Not so much of Kezia and I giggling over stupid things,  peeping over Roii's shoulder like bashful admirers because her drawing is awesome. Racing with the guys to see who could finish their math questions faster.  Poking fun of everyone and the school with Sarah and Soo. I hardly see those when I think of HSCS. 

Its so unfair. Why does everyone love their secondary school so much? Why do they get to see all the light and sunshine, the happy and awesome? And all that comes to mind is the patch of darkness. Life now is still fair from perfection but I still love it, and it seems like no one else does.

I guess I don't have a definite answer for this. I like them both. Different aspects of them. But honestly? Even primary school felt better than secondary school. Ugh this is not going to end.

Kay bye~