Totally Bored

Being totally bored now isn't exactly something I should be complaining about now since I'll be extremely busy once school reopens. 

Yet, I am feeling bored! Which totally sucks. 

However, I do have a solution! I decided to make myself hungry by watching food videos, yes I am an idiot, on foodwishes.blogspot.com because the chef there is funny and his food comes out looking awesome. 

Since I have so much time on my hands, I thought I might as well try out some of the simpler sounding recipes and up my cooking skill. I mean, if Sims can improve their cooking skill level by just watching cooking shows and cooking all the time, why not in real life? Isn't Sims supposed to emulate the perfect life?

Wait. I just said emulate perfect life. (If i used the word emulate correctly that is) Well... then obviously it won't exactly work here in real life where sadly nothing is perfect. In any case, it has to work to a certain extent, right? 

Yes, I am just going to go with that. And no, I'm not obsessed with Sims to the point of bringing it to real life. I mean, some things in real life reminds me of Sims, like oh that person is angry, he probably has the angry moodlet. Or, that person just achieved something and has the Fulfilled moodlet. Mind you, it reminds me of it, but I don't go pasting squares of moodlets around me when I feel happy or sad. 

It's too much work anyway. 

I'm kidding, really. 

Anyway, the peach cobbler I tried has been in the oven for about 10 minutes or so I guess and well, I'm still awaiting the results of it and whether it turns out edible or not. Hopefully it does! 

Okay shall go back to.. I have no idea what. 

Cheers!  

Tuition

My ex-tuition teacher is awesome. 

Not only did he help me with my math for four years straight, (I hate to think how my math would have been like without him) he also taught me the art of drinking tea. 

Not by choice, sadly. I hated drinking tea in the past, like even iced lemon tea, really. But he always served tea in class:lemon, peach, green, Japanese green and his ultimate favorite as far as we students of his know; peppermint. 

All of which I have grown to like, drink and in the end love after four years of gulping the much needed liquid to stay awake and focused during class. 

That's not the end though. He also showered us with Japanese confections and sweets, especially around the time when the Hokkaido fair, hell any kind of Japanese fairs come to town. Even when it wasn't the 'fair season', we had occasional Royce chocolates and biscuits and all that Japanese goodness during math lessons. 

I would ask you to be jealous but that wouldn't be nice of me. 

Anyway. He also rewarded us for our good work. Or not so good work. Maybe it was for our hardwork? I don't really know, but man he did expose me to all the different kinds of gachapons, like wow. Squeezing such cool games into a little ball? So awesome. 

Cracking lame and cold jokes(I mean ice cold) became a routine after Aldric joined us. Mainly because Aldric's a fan of cold jokes but well, it really made things so fun. 

He has done so much over these few years and while I know that he will probably never see this, I want to say that he is one of the best teachers ever in my life and he is awesome. Mr Lee, you rock. 

The reason I suddenly decided to type this is because about 20 minutes ago, I met him to pass some souvenirs my Mom got for him from Hokkaido and he actually had stuff to give me and my sis. I just felt once a student of his, always a student kind of feeling, you know?

I will attempt those nano-blocks as soon as possible since I'm on holiday and have loads of time. Thanks cher! 

Cheers! 

PS. Those peppermint sweets in my fridge are also a result of his influence/promoting of peppermint stuff. I'm just too lazy to find the tea. 

To be... or not to be

I am having mixed feelings now. 

On one hand, I'm sad. Well of course I'm sad damnnit. I'd be an unfeeling bitch to be feeling not sad right now. Sad to the point where you can feel the tears welling up inside you but its controllable. 

Or that could be just me. Hm. 

On the other hand, I feel normal. Like really normal. Meh meh. 

But like, well, I'm alone again. 

And before I continue, if this doesn't make sense to whoever actually bothers reading, it's not supposed to make sense until I tell you what happened  or you get it from hearsay. Anyway. 

Yeah and it kinda makes me sad. Like, what if it was a bad choice? What if the whole insecurity thing sets in again? What if its the start of the end? 

Dun dun dun. Start of the end; how deep. 

I guess it'll take some time for me to get used to being just me again. It'll be a long and painful(?) and depressing process but I guess I have to do it. I mean, I promised no tears will fall so that at least I can achieve; I think. 

Well it's not like I can just burst out in tears to anyone these days. It's hard! Seeing their total loss of what to do look when you deliver earth shattering news to them while tears roll down their cheeks. I can't do that. It's hard. 

So much going on in my life right now... and my face can still seem as if it's all right yo! kinda thing. Yet in a way, yeah, I believe it'll be all right in the end. 

I'm sure it will. 

Exercise

Went swimming today, like finally! I was sooooo happy to finally immerse myself in that cool water. Ahhhhh so happy. 

Met Kezia in the morning and took a bus to SAFRA to swim. Actually, it ended up more like playing. Thanks to me, surprise surprise. 

Well, recently I discovered this new and ohmygod totally cool and with cute looking guys anime ( yes hidden otaku inside excuse me ) named "Free!" and is mainly about friendship and swimming, I guess. 

No, I am not attracted to the well defined muscle illustrations in the anime, in fact it weirds me out. I'm more attracted to their cuteness ohmygod. \(^-^)/ 

Anyway. That just amplified my desire to swim since weeks ago but because I'm a girl and have this annoying thing called periods which seems to arrive every single time I want to go swimming. Sigh. 

Oh, back to today. I wanted to try this thing called the dolphin kick for all the wrong reasons. Okay, and one right reason. 

Firstly, the right one because I totally want to learn it mainly because of this~ , well, use the legs to gain distance then my arms won't tire so quickly! That's my reasoning anyway. 

Secondly, the wrong reason which is totally not the main factor why I want to learn it ahem, the guys in the anime look so cool swimming and I wanna swim nice like them too ~  

Ugh. So mainstream. But who cares, I'm a partial ( I think ) otaku so, whatever. Sue me. Those guys are adorable. 

But playing around in the water counts as exercise right? I mean, all the increased resistance in the water would require more force to overcome, no? Or so I like to think to convince myself I exercised. 

But hey, I'm pretty sure I improved! I can swim one length of the pool without stopping! Which okay, I know that sounds really pathetic but come on, I couldn't. So this is an achievement, yay! 

I wanted to go swimming tomorrow again but.. squash training T.T oh well, at least it's still exercise, right? 

I love drifting in the pool so much! 

Cheers! 

Procrastination

I've procrastinated a lot of things. 

Which reminds me, I have to write something at the back of the cheque, where is it...ah okay. Yeah this fits the title perfectly. I was supposed to do this last week! Not bad, huh. 

Okay done! I shall bank it tomorrow! 

See? Procrastinating. 

But I don't want to go out now. Especially since I just got back home from meeting Samantha! I'm tired. Excuses. Oh well. 

Anyway. I finally finally went jogging yesterday and today as well! *Applause*. I have fulfilled my promise to run.... from nine months ago. Yes. I said that I would go jogging after the end of my O levels.

Well on the plus side, at least I went before it reached a year! 

Hm. 

Oh well I shall play Dragon Nest now. LoL made me feel depressed so I'm going to halt it for a while. 

Or should I start from scratch in a new account? Hmm. 

Cheers! 

Waiting

While waiting for the water to heat up so I don't have to freeze while bathing, I thought I'd just come and reflect or whatever a little. 

I guess I knew it all along inside, just that I thought if I stayed oblivious to it, it'd go away. Seems like I was wrong, sadly. After so long, I finally managed to admit to myself, "I'm really like my father." 

It kind of hurts to know that I take after him so much. But.. I guess I have to come to terms with it eventually. I'm like him, not just in looks (according to some anyway) but in behavior. And that sucks so much to me. 

I may sound so unfilial (or how you spell it), but that's really how I feel. Well, for this aspect, anyway. I'll just suck in my pride and say this. I can't handle confrontations well. Just like him. 

It just dawned on me that I can't handle and avoid confrontations when my sister told me to shove that stupid eye cleaning bottle in his face and tell him to give it back to her or we throw it away. 

I mean, yeah, I was annoyed when I saw it that morning, but when the time came for me to throw it back to him, all the rage just melted away and I could hardly bring myself to yell at him. I felt guilty and bad. 

Guilt. The bane of my life. 

I got scared of what might happen and considered the chicken way out, just leaving it alone. The only thing was that if I didn't tell him straight not to let this happen again, my sister would and well, I don't want to bother her with his... with him. Her rage is unstoppable. 

Well, thankfully, his reply was annoying enough for my voice to sound just a little nastier than usual to drive home my point. Thing is, I feel better about confronting people when I'm super angry. Otherwise, I'd rather not. Is that a bad thing? I have no idea. 

Telling me to just leave that stupid packet in the toilet. How dare he. She should just bring it home and keep it with her, this isn't her house nor will it ever be. How dare she conveniently forget her stuff in my toilet. And mind, a toilet is a very private place. Stepping into our territory, how dare she. 

With the rage building inside me now, I can just imagine going up to her the next time she comes and telling to "Please stop leaving your stuff in my toilet". 

But knowing me, when the time comes, the rage will just die down and like the weak person I am, I'll slink back into my room and avoid, because I'm driven by fear just like that. 

I have to change. Who knows? One day, it might be me being kicked out of home instead. 

NO MORE PAPERS HAHA

Last paper! The joy of not having to mug late into the night. Can't you feel it? Oh joy~ 

So anyway, I just ended a custom game with the guys in class plus Adam this time and well I just wanted to record this historic moment now. 

Mark's only death in the game was due to my luck ;) 

SO LUCKY HAHA. 

Okay. Tonight, I will sleep well because I managed to get spoil Mark's perfect score. Which sounds mean actually. But hey my score was so much worse. That one death was like a charity donation to me! 

Okay, that's all. 

Cheers! 

Thinking

Every time I see someone feel depressed or hear people with major insecurity issues, I just can't help but think back. And feel weird that.. I'm happy with the way things are now. 

(Not to mention I hardly have much to complain about concerning such issues these days.) 

Then after that realise how ridiculously optimistic I am believing that everything will turn out fine eventually. But it's a nice thought, isn't it?

I'll just admit, I read Gen's blog moments ago and well... what can I say? She's right, people's words don't usually get through to people who feel that way, especially at the lowest point of that whole insecurity thing. 

Yet, I feel that... maybe sometimes you just have to keep telling and repeating it over and over again to the person so that the message will sink in; you're awesome the way you are. 

It helped me in a way. Because in life, it's depressing when no one ever comments how pretty you look in an outfit or a picture. Yes, I felt that way and occasionally still do when I start thinking about things like this. Well, otherwise it doesn't matter much. 

But yeah, it all starts when you hear all your friends getting comments on how 'cute' or 'pretty' they look and.. that's all you ever hear. 
When you're standing next to them all the time and they're all the opposite party ever notices.
When you're with them and they're the ones that get complimented by others and all you can do is nod in agreement and further boost their ego because you think "It is true" but inside you just get depressed wondering, "Why is it never me?" 
And you can never hate that girl next to you because she's your friend, she didn't do anything wrong. 
The result? The hatred turns inwards at yourself.

I've been there, so I know. I don't know if Gen will stalk this anytime soon but, sometimes, people have to just hear it over and over again before it sinks in. No one understood the Quantum theory the first time they heard it now did they? ( Just choosing a random theory, you get what I mean ) 

I honestly can't bear seeing people with insecurities. It sucks so much to think that you're worthless and all that crap. 

Last year, she told me on my birthday these simple words "Smile, because you can!" and.. how true is that? I lost so much of my smile in school over something I now think of as silly. All that frowns and emoing at a corner because it felt pointless to socialize in class. Why should I? Literally everything I said went unheard. Literally. 

I couldn't have gotten that message at a better time. Besides, a smile feels so much better than a frown. Or a sulk. 

And don't you know? Smiling uses less muscles than frowning/sulking/whatever that's not smiling. So much less tiring. 

A plus point worth considering, don't you think? 

I do. 

Cheers! 

ITB -- It's a long long long post.

ITB project is over and I'm still going to bitch about it. It's a sign. ITB SUCKS. 

Plain, and simple. 

It has definitely brought me alot of first time thingies. But I'll leave that for later. Starting with the bitch part before I actually forget, haha! 

I cannot believe that ITB screwed up my body clock. Or mindset. Whatever. I was actually studying my Accounting up till about midnight ( and while that might actually be normal for some people, it's NOT for me ) and totally not noticing the time because it felt as if ... well, it felt normal. As if it were only 10 plus and not midnight. That's what I get for staying in school till 11 plus doing project for the past few days. THANKS ITB. THANKS ALOT. No wonder I felt as if I shouldn't be doing my Accounting anymore. I mean, besides the fact that I was getting alot of my questions wrong. 

Okay nevermind, it's solely ITB fault. Me getting wrong answers has absolutely nothing to do with that weird feeling. Yes. 

So obviously I've stopped revising. I mean, midnight is not the time people do work. Hello? It's time to slack and relax. 

Unless your project is due in the next few days... 

UGH ITB just ruined me. 

Anyway. Back to the first time thingies! 

It was definitely the first time I stayed so late in school to do homework, or project work specifically. 11plus! Wow. I'm amazed at myself. 

Also, it was definitely the first time I reached home past midnight from school. I blame the distance. And fine, myself for leaving the project till the last minute. 

Speaking of that lousy project, it was the first and hopefully only time I will have to rush a project till the (literally) last moment. Hopefully. 

Not forgetting a super embarrassing moment in school one of the nights we stayed to do that database crap. Not sure if I mentioned it before, but I had to use the toilet and went with Eva and Valerie to this (bad bad bad choice) one closest to the bridge at spectrum. It was so goddamn dark and I'll be honest. I'm a major scaredy-cat. (Or how you spell it). And people like Ryan knows that damn him. Scaring me through text. 

But anyway that's completely out of point. 

What happened was that I got freaked when I saw how dark the area near the toilet was and grabbed on to Eva and Val and suggested getting someone, preferably a guy due to the stereotype that they scare less easy, before coming back. Eva was like " Okay, okay, torchlight! " 
AND SHE JUST WENT TO USE HER PHONE TORCHLIGHT TO LIGHT UP THE DOORS DO YOU KNOW HOW SCARY THAT IS OH MY GOD. 

So. We crept towards the door and when we were in front of it, the door freaking opened to show a pitch black inside. 

I can't be sure who was it, but I'm pretty sure it was me. A high pitched shriek sounding exactly like "AHHHHHHHH" and me and Eva just dashed away laughing like crazy. It was so ridiculous! From my angle, it seemed like the door just creaked open by itself but it was really just Val using her foot to push open the door since she too was scared. 

The most embarrassing part was that the people at Spectrum actually heard it loud and clear. Oh gosh. No more face already. 

So yes, first time I .. screamed. In school. Over a toilet. 

Hm other first times.. OH YES. This one must have looked really amusing on the train. It was Thursday night and we were on the last train back so along with Bryan, Adam and Ryan, we flipped open our Laptops and continued with our projects. Like wow. 

I want to sleep so I shall end here. But really, I am still amazed how we managed to hand up everything needed for ITB. In fact, it is so praise worthy. So much so that I think I should praise myself for managing to get the project at least handed up. Although if I actually started earlier this wouldn't have happened and all these amazing times in school would not have been possible. So, see? It turned out fine after all. Ergo, it is still praise worthy. 

Good job to myself! 

And definitely to my group mates and everyone else in class. 

I can't believe I just praised myself. This is all Bryan's fault. Being so thick skinned and all that. 

I'm joking. But really. It's his influence. So it's his fault. 

Yup. 

Cheers! 

Every end is a new beginning

The title isn't to suggest that I'm going to be deep in my posts and stuff. It's because it's true HAHA. I'm just waiting for Bryan to finish teaching people PACC. Won't take long he says. Right. 

It's so sad. 

ITB project finally ended today. This is by far the most rushed and chionged project ever. We only started seriously doing this project on Monday after that bloody FoM test. 

The start of late night project chiongs this week. 

On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thurday, I spent the whole day in school with my group mates rushing out the stupid database and for those three nights I stayed in school until all we had was the last train to take. Amazing. 

Last night was even worse. After reaching home at around 1230 to 1 in the morning, we continued staying up all the way to 630am typing the reports and all that. Slept until around 10 then it was off to school to continue rushing out the remaining parts of the project. 

It was so  frustrating but really, it was our fault for not starting on this project earlier. In fact, I'm amazed that we actually managed to hand up everything on time today! 

Anyway, that's the end of ITB. The new beginning? This is where chionging for PACC enters. This is ridiculous. 

And only after the end of PACC exam on Monday will chiong studying for Econs make its entrance. 

One after another. 

Every end brings a new beginning. 

Sadly. 

I'm Posting this because Ryan said so

The title sounds pathetic but whatever. 

I created you 
like I did with many others
to aid me in my life
with fair trades in mind

I created more of you
and a system to go along
everyone loved you 
and the wonders you brought

I continued creating
myself not knowing 
that a new feeling 
was slowly molding

I didn't slow my creation
sped it up in fact 
still oblivious
that my tainted love was growing

I controlled my creating 
so your value would grow
driven by the new feeling 
only I didn't know

I created and controlled
 for I wanted your value to grow 
denying that what drove me
was greed, not so new anymore

I created you 
your parent, if you may 
but I didn't see 
what you slowly turned me to be 

I created you
made you indispensable 
but continued pretending 
that I was the one creating 

As you crinkle in my fists
and jingle in my pocket
the facade slowly slides
and I come to realise 
that somehow it was you
who ended up creating me. 


If no one gets what this is refering to, I don't blame you because it's by me so it's not good haha. 

Anyway. Happy figuring out the inside meaning. 

......

FoM is totally screwed. 

There were so many questions that I couldn't answer! It was so depressing. Like really. Sigh. 

Oh on the way back home, Adam and Ryan were telling me about some pancakes competition or whatnot and apparently they had this big idea to shape their pancakes into .... let's say, private areas of the male and the female then overlapping it (ahem ahem you know) and I kind of asked the stupidest question ever.... 

So. I went "But how does the (insert female part) look?" Or something like that. 

And I got ... a very appropriate answer! From Adam, no less.

"Uh.. Why don't you just look down there?" 

Hm. I mean, he does have a point. But what mean't was.. isn't it.. I mean, they have a definite shape? Like wow. Really. 

So yeah! It was hilarious. Especially talking about it on the train out loud. 

Next! 

ITB is so screwed. 

WHY ISN'T MY QUERY WORKING. 

@$##$^(#&#*@&)!@*&#$! 

IT WAS WORKING FINE THE LAST TIME WHAT THE HELL. 

I hate ITB. Introduced into life to make life miserable. 

And it's due on Friday! 

Kill me man. 

Okay don't. I'm saying this figuratively. Not literally. If there's going to be any killing here, it's the murdering of ITB. 

Wanting to shoot it is an understatement. URGH It is really so annoying. And I'll probably still do badly for it, which would make me want to murder it even more. 

ITB. 

You suck. 

And I hate you. A lot. 

Cheers! 

Study Week

Study week hasn't even started and I'm bitching about it. Why not? It is so bitch-worthy. 

It is so ironic. On the first day of study week, we have a test. A freaking test. Because the word 'study' totally means 'test'. 

But that's not the end of the irony. Whether or not it is an irony, I'm calling it an irony. So there. On Wednesday and Friday, it's presentations galore. 

Well that might be a bit of an exaggeration but seriously. Testing me on my speaking skills during STUDY  week? Man, these people really have to check what study really means. Unless I'm actually wrong, then that'll be embarrassing. But I don't think so. 

The next bit is kind of ( actually it is but I'm comforting myself here ) my fault but I have yet to even complete half  of my ITB project which is due on Friday, complete with the written report and ppt slides. Which has to have a video to entertain, a music clip to bore people to sleep, wonderful awe-inspiring ( they don't actually have to be ) pictures, wonderful and not irritating at all animations. 

Animations. Animations! 

I hate those. Mine never look nice. Of course that's not the reason why I hate them. It's just a coincidence. Yes, it is. Don't judge. 

I find them bloody troublesome. ARRGH. And all that hyperlink crap to add in. 

To sum up, I am so screwed!  

Here's to a week of hell,
Cheers! 

Life talks

Met Gen yesterday and had our usual life talks about how we wish the world's different from how it is now. 

It somehow got me thinking the usual stuff about the choices I've made in life. Mainly about the choices I've made regarding my education.
And.. ended up with something like this.  

I had a dream 
a big dream
at an age so young
to decorate the world 
with art pieces of mine 

Teachers encouraged
Society disparaged
Too big a dream it was 
Too far to reach it became 

I had a dream
a little less grand 
to design living spaces
a comfortable atmosphere for all

Parents approved
Society refused
Impossible, they said
for a place so buried in books and knowledge

I had a dream
faded and frosted
to mold, to create
a fusion of cloth and personality

Friends cheered on
Society looked beyond
Without even a single glance
at my plans at all 

I have a dream
desperately glowing 
as the society continues blowing
to grasp what used to be
such wonderful dreams of mine. 

Failed attempt at being deep HAHA. Don't laugh. I'll feel sad. 
But oh well. 
And yes Ryan, this was what I was typing haha. Like I said, don't laugh. =) 
There was another one but... I don't think it'll make any sense so I'll leave it like this! 

Cheers! 

I'm really sleepy now

Played LoL instead of studying today, as usual. 

So screwed for my exams oh godd. But it's so boring! I don't feel like studying my FoM. 

Anyway. Went out for dinner at Changi Airport Astons and ate some kinda spicy ish chicken thing. Which was nice! Just kinda.. well. Spicy.

Ohh had that annoying BC Mock presentation today which was so depressing. Like my hand gestures were awkward and my slides were boring. And. And. ARRGH BC SUCKS. 

So irritating. 

Anywayyy. 

Went home and played LoL but today was just an anyhow play game day. Like the first game, me and Ryan went to play custom games to try out characters we've never tried before. I tried to do support but.. yeah, kinda failed. As usual. 

But it wasn't  that bad! I mean, I helped. Yes. I helped. My shots did not miss. I was so supportive. 

Fine, so maybe my skills did miss a little. Just a bit. 

Who am I kidding. HAHA. I tried Nami and I missed her first skill big time. Ryan was all " YOU MISSED " and I'm like "YES I KNOW " 

Then we customed another game with Bryan and Mark V. which was totally depressing as well since I was up against Mark. Again. Who totally exposed my weakness. 

Failure to perform under pressure.. or something like that, you get the point. 

Sadly, I couldn't really deny that because it;s kinda true. Not just in a game point of view but in all aspects of my life, haha! 

Well not all  but most. Which is sad enough already. 

Anyway. I tried another new character after that which I totally sucked at but I still had some fun. Part of it was due to me killing the enemy's last champion, dashing Mark's hopes of a penta kill. 

I apologise for that, but I'm not sorry I killed that bugger. Like come on, my score looked so bad. It was a much needed kill to lift my spirits. 

What am I even saying haha. Think the brain's fried already, like so tired now. 

Tomorrow confirm panda eyes one. Oh well. 

Night all, thanks for the company, especially on such a depressing day like today. 
=) 

Sleep with a smile, and hope that tomorrow things will get better. 

I hope. 

Karma

Was actually planning on sleeping like, two hours ago but for some reason, everyone started stalking my blog and like oh my god even I'm laughing at myself! 

So how does karma fit in? Well.. I stalk other blogs so.. yeah end of story. I stalk, you stalk, everyone stalk. =>

Okay that doesn't make sense. Not that much anyway ><. 

It's not complete karma yet because I haven't gotten my sore throat. But maybe karma's planning to leave that till some super important presentation before throwing tonsilitis back at me. That's kinda scary. I should accumulate more good karma HAHA. 

So anyway, I just realised that my blog went from super childish ( yes I admit ) to somehow super emo to even more emo  and then ... back to normal I guess? 

Like oh my god  all the insecurities and inferior complex issues. So ridiculous that I can laugh. At myself. 

Yeah they say laughing at yourself builds... I don't know, character? Builds something. Yeah that's all I know! 

Okay I shouldn't be doing this when it's almost 3 in the morning. 

If only tomorrow no school. 

Goodnights yo! 

And LoL Bitches, you guys suck. In a good way. Somewhat. Depending. On the situation. HAHA. Nah you guys are cool. In a way. Kinda. 

Okay brain fried now people, BYE~ 

Learning new stuff

PACC got cancelled today. YAY! >=D 

But instead of going home straight to mug, Bryan and Mark dragged us to play pool. To which my first reaction was "Oh god nooooooo not pool againnnn." 

But I had fun. First lesson of the day! Don't judge pool. Haha. 

First pairing was with Mark V. And I was like thinking "Oh god nooooooo not Mark V. againnnnnn." I mean, that 1v1 turned last hit training in LoL the other time was kinda traumatising. 

Not really, but kind of. 

And I've never really said this but, he's kinda scary. Like, in the Ryan kind of way. A little. They're both a little scary to me, but no judgments there. 

Anyway, the first round was like stress stress stress because I suck so badly at pool and Mark V. doesn't and I know he wants to win, like duh, who wants to lose? 

And fine, Mark V. didn't exactly scold me at all. He just nagged. A lot. But he helped a lot too, so thanks! Those few minutes were way more beneficial than whatever my secondary school friends have been trying ( in vain ) to teach me. Yay! 

Second pairing was a whole lot more forgiving. Adam! Hahahaha stress begone. Because he is not scary at all~ 

Learned a whole lot of new ... uh. Balance cue stick thingies from Adam today! The knuckle, spider and etc. Shall try out the next time I play =P. 

Learned that those up down adjustable chairs are damn amusing as well today too! Thanks to BaoXin hahaha that bo liao girl happy disturbing everyone sitting on those chairs near her xP. It was really fun. 

Oh, Dad's home. And I'm sleepy. So I shall end here! 

What did I learn today besides pool? Hm. 

I have a lot of new friends in poly that are really cool. And awesome. In their own way. =) 

A fresh start always feels great! 

Cheers! 

Can't think of any appropriate title...

Well now, this is hard.

I declared just yesterday that no one would discover this blog, then being the absolute fool that I am/was (who cares about English here), I went ahead and did the exact opposite.

Anyway, I'm just hoping that my classmates aren't no-lifers like me and go on stalking sprees on blogs... well... yeah they're not. So I'm safe here. HAHA.

Skipped CCA today again since I have FOM presentation tomorrow and feeling insanely paranoid that all the seniors have a bad impression of me for skipping so often. Ahem I mean, I really wanted to go today! Like I brought all my stuff to school. 

Before I realised that IF i went to CCA, by the time I'm home and done with dinner, shower and settling down, it's bedtime and I'll be totally and completely exhausted. What can I say? I don't have good physical fitness. Tanking late at night is just not me.

Right now I'm just procrastinating practicing my FOM slides. Even went to the extent of combing Fluffy! 

Okay that was partially because I felt bad that Bryan and Valerie take such good care of their dogs and I don't. 

Not that it was a bad thing though hm.

Oh, and parking my ass in front of the computer worrying over a bag of chips about karma because I laughed at him so much today. Dude I'm sorry, but not that sorry. Just being honest here. Haha. 

Bag of chips is probably not the best option here but ... it was really tempting me! Silently. Of course.

Anyway. 

Oh gosh ITB presentation on 16 Aug? I should really pay more attention in class. I get this feeling that I'll be screwed for my exams and stuff. I should be studying but... worrying about it over a bag of chips is way more delicious. 

Oh! Thought of something just now!

Twinkle twinkle little star

Wish on non-existent stars

Up above the world so bright 

Hope your voice comes back tonight

Twinkle twinkle little star

Please don't strike me with karma. 

Okay. I'm just being super paranoid about karma now. And because I feel bad. For being so mean. See karma? Don't come after me. Okay I should totally start my work. Otherwise, I would have skipped CCA for naught. 

Hope Bryan gets his voice back tomorrow. Though if it doesn't, it'll still be funny. Heh. Okay. Should stop being mean. Later karma come find me. 

In the form of sore throat.

Before a presentation. 

With a loss of voice.

Dear Little one...

It's over a week since my little rabbit died. 

Somewhere inside me, even though it is clearly evident that she is no longer around, I am still denying the fact that she's gone. That she has already been cremated.

Strangely, just a few weeks before, Gen was sharing with me the poem One Art. 

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster. 

Elizabeth Bishop

How true is that? 

It is possible now to think and write of it without tears rolling down like crazy. But the pain stays. 

The art of losing is in fact, hard to master. 

So much I could have done, yet didn't. 

So much I could have noticed, yet I saw nothing. 

She was crying for attention, all the way till the end, yet I couldn't tell. 

Huh. this really fits I was not waving, but drowning.

My sweet little rabbit. I am sorry. For not being a good owner. For not letting you out when I should have. For not appreciating your presence in the kitchen, no matter how small it was. 

It is ironic how large your presence becomes now that you're gone. Simple actions such as cutting fruit pinches my heart. Because I want to turn around and give you  the first bite of the fruit before that greedy son of yours comes hopping by. 

But then I remember; you're not there to eat it anymore. 

I search my phone desperately for a recent photo of you, and I can't find one. You left me so suddenly, it is hard to accept. The regrets just keep piling up. 

I wish it were a dream. I wish that time could turn back. To hold your warm body and shower you with the affection you deserved before your last breath. Oh, how I wish could. 

It was a lie, to say that I have gotten over it. To say that no tears would be shed as I remember you.

As I grieve your passing, I pray and hope that you're up there somewhere with Rabbit and Dale, in large fields and the strength of a young bunny, enjoying the life that you so rightly deserve. 

Love, 

Yan Er  

Romance and Stuff

Being a relationship has really changed the way I view romance in shows and books. Whether or not for the better is a whole other thing. 

Oh, and may I take this moment to credit this blog's inspiration to the movie 'Flightplan', which starts out with the death of the main character's husband. 

So back to what I wanted to say. In the past, or more specifically last year, I would have turned my nose up at romance novels. One example was Twilight when it first came out when I was Primary six. Everyone was into that book and I thought, why not try and join in? 

However, the moment I heard that it was about romance ( according to my classmates then, I only heard about the vampire part a year later or so ), I rejected the very idea of poking my nose into that book. 

Cheesy lines and oh so romantic stuff made me shiver and fidget in discomfort. The whole idea of it was just... bleh. Even having crushes made me feel uncomfortable. Thinking about it now, it seems like I was really a weird person! 

Moving on from there, I became more and more cynical towards people in relationships and the whole concept of luuuurve. Maybe it was because of my parents' situation, who knows? Romance didn't appeal too much to me and PDA (holding hands included) really made me annoyed. 

Okay at this point, maybe you're thinking that I'm just jealous or what. Hmm, a worthy point to consider, but I was really against relationships in secondary schools so, that's probably out. 

Buut that's not the point. The point here is that I was cynical about the whole luurve thing and stuff when coming across such things in books or shows, I would simply roll and eyes flip the page or forward the movie.

One change though, in upper secondary, I started to show interest in (eeks) high school romance mangas. What can I say? They're adorable! 

So this continued all the way until I got asked out and started behaving the exact same manner (holding hands) as what i had criticized my whole life. Quite a change, huh? Unknowingly, my mindset was changing. 

I realised this when I was reading Mitch Albom's 'Five people you meet in heaven' and felt so sad for the man when his wife died, sad in a way I had never felt before. ( Usually I'd be 'okay that's sad, but let's move on with life people'. Mean, yes I know.) This time however, I felt so sad that when he got to meet his wife in heaven, I felt so happy for him and touched that even after so long, he still loved her so much. 

So, back to Flightplan. At the beginning of the show, all I could think of was how horrible the wife must feel, having to see her husband dead and yada yada yada. 

Yes I'm getting tired of feeling all the luuurve and romance and stuff. But you get the idea. I've changed, end of story. 

I guess you can say that I'm more feeling now, and not that sadistic. In a way.

Now, I shall return to watching Flightplan which thankfully has no romance in it because otherwise, I would be squirming throughout the whole movie. =) 

Cheers! 
Yan Er