Procrastination

I've procrastinated a lot of things. 

Which reminds me, I have to write something at the back of the cheque, where is it...ah okay. Yeah this fits the title perfectly. I was supposed to do this last week! Not bad, huh. 

Okay done! I shall bank it tomorrow! 

See? Procrastinating. 

But I don't want to go out now. Especially since I just got back home from meeting Samantha! I'm tired. Excuses. Oh well. 

Anyway. I finally finally went jogging yesterday and today as well! *Applause*. I have fulfilled my promise to run.... from nine months ago. Yes. I said that I would go jogging after the end of my O levels.

Well on the plus side, at least I went before it reached a year! 

Hm. 

Oh well I shall play Dragon Nest now. LoL made me feel depressed so I'm going to halt it for a while. 

Or should I start from scratch in a new account? Hmm. 

Cheers! 

Waiting

While waiting for the water to heat up so I don't have to freeze while bathing, I thought I'd just come and reflect or whatever a little. 

I guess I knew it all along inside, just that I thought if I stayed oblivious to it, it'd go away. Seems like I was wrong, sadly. After so long, I finally managed to admit to myself, "I'm really like my father." 

It kind of hurts to know that I take after him so much. But.. I guess I have to come to terms with it eventually. I'm like him, not just in looks (according to some anyway) but in behavior. And that sucks so much to me. 

I may sound so unfilial (or how you spell it), but that's really how I feel. Well, for this aspect, anyway. I'll just suck in my pride and say this. I can't handle confrontations well. Just like him. 

It just dawned on me that I can't handle and avoid confrontations when my sister told me to shove that stupid eye cleaning bottle in his face and tell him to give it back to her or we throw it away. 

I mean, yeah, I was annoyed when I saw it that morning, but when the time came for me to throw it back to him, all the rage just melted away and I could hardly bring myself to yell at him. I felt guilty and bad. 

Guilt. The bane of my life. 

I got scared of what might happen and considered the chicken way out, just leaving it alone. The only thing was that if I didn't tell him straight not to let this happen again, my sister would and well, I don't want to bother her with his... with him. Her rage is unstoppable. 

Well, thankfully, his reply was annoying enough for my voice to sound just a little nastier than usual to drive home my point. Thing is, I feel better about confronting people when I'm super angry. Otherwise, I'd rather not. Is that a bad thing? I have no idea. 

Telling me to just leave that stupid packet in the toilet. How dare he. She should just bring it home and keep it with her, this isn't her house nor will it ever be. How dare she conveniently forget her stuff in my toilet. And mind, a toilet is a very private place. Stepping into our territory, how dare she. 

With the rage building inside me now, I can just imagine going up to her the next time she comes and telling to "Please stop leaving your stuff in my toilet". 

But knowing me, when the time comes, the rage will just die down and like the weak person I am, I'll slink back into my room and avoid, because I'm driven by fear just like that. 

I have to change. Who knows? One day, it might be me being kicked out of home instead. 

NO MORE PAPERS HAHA

Last paper! The joy of not having to mug late into the night. Can't you feel it? Oh joy~ 

So anyway, I just ended a custom game with the guys in class plus Adam this time and well I just wanted to record this historic moment now. 

Mark's only death in the game was due to my luck ;) 

SO LUCKY HAHA. 

Okay. Tonight, I will sleep well because I managed to get spoil Mark's perfect score. Which sounds mean actually. But hey my score was so much worse. That one death was like a charity donation to me! 

Okay, that's all. 

Cheers! 

Thinking

Every time I see someone feel depressed or hear people with major insecurity issues, I just can't help but think back. And feel weird that.. I'm happy with the way things are now. 

(Not to mention I hardly have much to complain about concerning such issues these days.) 

Then after that realise how ridiculously optimistic I am believing that everything will turn out fine eventually. But it's a nice thought, isn't it?

I'll just admit, I read Gen's blog moments ago and well... what can I say? She's right, people's words don't usually get through to people who feel that way, especially at the lowest point of that whole insecurity thing. 

Yet, I feel that... maybe sometimes you just have to keep telling and repeating it over and over again to the person so that the message will sink in; you're awesome the way you are. 

It helped me in a way. Because in life, it's depressing when no one ever comments how pretty you look in an outfit or a picture. Yes, I felt that way and occasionally still do when I start thinking about things like this. Well, otherwise it doesn't matter much. 

But yeah, it all starts when you hear all your friends getting comments on how 'cute' or 'pretty' they look and.. that's all you ever hear. 
When you're standing next to them all the time and they're all the opposite party ever notices.
When you're with them and they're the ones that get complimented by others and all you can do is nod in agreement and further boost their ego because you think "It is true" but inside you just get depressed wondering, "Why is it never me?" 
And you can never hate that girl next to you because she's your friend, she didn't do anything wrong. 
The result? The hatred turns inwards at yourself.

I've been there, so I know. I don't know if Gen will stalk this anytime soon but, sometimes, people have to just hear it over and over again before it sinks in. No one understood the Quantum theory the first time they heard it now did they? ( Just choosing a random theory, you get what I mean ) 

I honestly can't bear seeing people with insecurities. It sucks so much to think that you're worthless and all that crap. 

Last year, she told me on my birthday these simple words "Smile, because you can!" and.. how true is that? I lost so much of my smile in school over something I now think of as silly. All that frowns and emoing at a corner because it felt pointless to socialize in class. Why should I? Literally everything I said went unheard. Literally. 

I couldn't have gotten that message at a better time. Besides, a smile feels so much better than a frown. Or a sulk. 

And don't you know? Smiling uses less muscles than frowning/sulking/whatever that's not smiling. So much less tiring. 

A plus point worth considering, don't you think? 

I do. 

Cheers! 

ITB -- It's a long long long post.

ITB project is over and I'm still going to bitch about it. It's a sign. ITB SUCKS. 

Plain, and simple. 

It has definitely brought me alot of first time thingies. But I'll leave that for later. Starting with the bitch part before I actually forget, haha! 

I cannot believe that ITB screwed up my body clock. Or mindset. Whatever. I was actually studying my Accounting up till about midnight ( and while that might actually be normal for some people, it's NOT for me ) and totally not noticing the time because it felt as if ... well, it felt normal. As if it were only 10 plus and not midnight. That's what I get for staying in school till 11 plus doing project for the past few days. THANKS ITB. THANKS ALOT. No wonder I felt as if I shouldn't be doing my Accounting anymore. I mean, besides the fact that I was getting alot of my questions wrong. 

Okay nevermind, it's solely ITB fault. Me getting wrong answers has absolutely nothing to do with that weird feeling. Yes. 

So obviously I've stopped revising. I mean, midnight is not the time people do work. Hello? It's time to slack and relax. 

Unless your project is due in the next few days... 

UGH ITB just ruined me. 

Anyway. Back to the first time thingies! 

It was definitely the first time I stayed so late in school to do homework, or project work specifically. 11plus! Wow. I'm amazed at myself. 

Also, it was definitely the first time I reached home past midnight from school. I blame the distance. And fine, myself for leaving the project till the last minute. 

Speaking of that lousy project, it was the first and hopefully only time I will have to rush a project till the (literally) last moment. Hopefully. 

Not forgetting a super embarrassing moment in school one of the nights we stayed to do that database crap. Not sure if I mentioned it before, but I had to use the toilet and went with Eva and Valerie to this (bad bad bad choice) one closest to the bridge at spectrum. It was so goddamn dark and I'll be honest. I'm a major scaredy-cat. (Or how you spell it). And people like Ryan knows that damn him. Scaring me through text. 

But anyway that's completely out of point. 

What happened was that I got freaked when I saw how dark the area near the toilet was and grabbed on to Eva and Val and suggested getting someone, preferably a guy due to the stereotype that they scare less easy, before coming back. Eva was like " Okay, okay, torchlight! " 
AND SHE JUST WENT TO USE HER PHONE TORCHLIGHT TO LIGHT UP THE DOORS DO YOU KNOW HOW SCARY THAT IS OH MY GOD. 

So. We crept towards the door and when we were in front of it, the door freaking opened to show a pitch black inside. 

I can't be sure who was it, but I'm pretty sure it was me. A high pitched shriek sounding exactly like "AHHHHHHHH" and me and Eva just dashed away laughing like crazy. It was so ridiculous! From my angle, it seemed like the door just creaked open by itself but it was really just Val using her foot to push open the door since she too was scared. 

The most embarrassing part was that the people at Spectrum actually heard it loud and clear. Oh gosh. No more face already. 

So yes, first time I .. screamed. In school. Over a toilet. 

Hm other first times.. OH YES. This one must have looked really amusing on the train. It was Thursday night and we were on the last train back so along with Bryan, Adam and Ryan, we flipped open our Laptops and continued with our projects. Like wow. 

I want to sleep so I shall end here. But really, I am still amazed how we managed to hand up everything needed for ITB. In fact, it is so praise worthy. So much so that I think I should praise myself for managing to get the project at least handed up. Although if I actually started earlier this wouldn't have happened and all these amazing times in school would not have been possible. So, see? It turned out fine after all. Ergo, it is still praise worthy. 

Good job to myself! 

And definitely to my group mates and everyone else in class. 

I can't believe I just praised myself. This is all Bryan's fault. Being so thick skinned and all that. 

I'm joking. But really. It's his influence. So it's his fault. 

Yup. 

Cheers! 

Every end is a new beginning

The title isn't to suggest that I'm going to be deep in my posts and stuff. It's because it's true HAHA. I'm just waiting for Bryan to finish teaching people PACC. Won't take long he says. Right. 

It's so sad. 

ITB project finally ended today. This is by far the most rushed and chionged project ever. We only started seriously doing this project on Monday after that bloody FoM test. 

The start of late night project chiongs this week. 

On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thurday, I spent the whole day in school with my group mates rushing out the stupid database and for those three nights I stayed in school until all we had was the last train to take. Amazing. 

Last night was even worse. After reaching home at around 1230 to 1 in the morning, we continued staying up all the way to 630am typing the reports and all that. Slept until around 10 then it was off to school to continue rushing out the remaining parts of the project. 

It was so  frustrating but really, it was our fault for not starting on this project earlier. In fact, I'm amazed that we actually managed to hand up everything on time today! 

Anyway, that's the end of ITB. The new beginning? This is where chionging for PACC enters. This is ridiculous. 

And only after the end of PACC exam on Monday will chiong studying for Econs make its entrance. 

One after another. 

Every end brings a new beginning. 

Sadly. 

I'm Posting this because Ryan said so

The title sounds pathetic but whatever. 

I created you 
like I did with many others
to aid me in my life
with fair trades in mind

I created more of you
and a system to go along
everyone loved you 
and the wonders you brought

I continued creating
myself not knowing 
that a new feeling 
was slowly molding

I didn't slow my creation
sped it up in fact 
still oblivious
that my tainted love was growing

I controlled my creating 
so your value would grow
driven by the new feeling 
only I didn't know

I created and controlled
 for I wanted your value to grow 
denying that what drove me
was greed, not so new anymore

I created you 
your parent, if you may 
but I didn't see 
what you slowly turned me to be 

I created you
made you indispensable 
but continued pretending 
that I was the one creating 

As you crinkle in my fists
and jingle in my pocket
the facade slowly slides
and I come to realise 
that somehow it was you
who ended up creating me. 


If no one gets what this is refering to, I don't blame you because it's by me so it's not good haha. 

Anyway. Happy figuring out the inside meaning. 

......

FoM is totally screwed. 

There were so many questions that I couldn't answer! It was so depressing. Like really. Sigh. 

Oh on the way back home, Adam and Ryan were telling me about some pancakes competition or whatnot and apparently they had this big idea to shape their pancakes into .... let's say, private areas of the male and the female then overlapping it (ahem ahem you know) and I kind of asked the stupidest question ever.... 

So. I went "But how does the (insert female part) look?" Or something like that. 

And I got ... a very appropriate answer! From Adam, no less.

"Uh.. Why don't you just look down there?" 

Hm. I mean, he does have a point. But what mean't was.. isn't it.. I mean, they have a definite shape? Like wow. Really. 

So yeah! It was hilarious. Especially talking about it on the train out loud. 

Next! 

ITB is so screwed. 

WHY ISN'T MY QUERY WORKING. 

@$##$^(#&#*@&)!@*&#$! 

IT WAS WORKING FINE THE LAST TIME WHAT THE HELL. 

I hate ITB. Introduced into life to make life miserable. 

And it's due on Friday! 

Kill me man. 

Okay don't. I'm saying this figuratively. Not literally. If there's going to be any killing here, it's the murdering of ITB. 

Wanting to shoot it is an understatement. URGH It is really so annoying. And I'll probably still do badly for it, which would make me want to murder it even more. 

ITB. 

You suck. 

And I hate you. A lot. 

Cheers! 

Study Week

Study week hasn't even started and I'm bitching about it. Why not? It is so bitch-worthy. 

It is so ironic. On the first day of study week, we have a test. A freaking test. Because the word 'study' totally means 'test'. 

But that's not the end of the irony. Whether or not it is an irony, I'm calling it an irony. So there. On Wednesday and Friday, it's presentations galore. 

Well that might be a bit of an exaggeration but seriously. Testing me on my speaking skills during STUDY  week? Man, these people really have to check what study really means. Unless I'm actually wrong, then that'll be embarrassing. But I don't think so. 

The next bit is kind of ( actually it is but I'm comforting myself here ) my fault but I have yet to even complete half  of my ITB project which is due on Friday, complete with the written report and ppt slides. Which has to have a video to entertain, a music clip to bore people to sleep, wonderful awe-inspiring ( they don't actually have to be ) pictures, wonderful and not irritating at all animations. 

Animations. Animations! 

I hate those. Mine never look nice. Of course that's not the reason why I hate them. It's just a coincidence. Yes, it is. Don't judge. 

I find them bloody troublesome. ARRGH. And all that hyperlink crap to add in. 

To sum up, I am so screwed!  

Here's to a week of hell,
Cheers! 

Life talks

Met Gen yesterday and had our usual life talks about how we wish the world's different from how it is now. 

It somehow got me thinking the usual stuff about the choices I've made in life. Mainly about the choices I've made regarding my education.
And.. ended up with something like this.  

I had a dream 
a big dream
at an age so young
to decorate the world 
with art pieces of mine 

Teachers encouraged
Society disparaged
Too big a dream it was 
Too far to reach it became 

I had a dream
a little less grand 
to design living spaces
a comfortable atmosphere for all

Parents approved
Society refused
Impossible, they said
for a place so buried in books and knowledge

I had a dream
faded and frosted
to mold, to create
a fusion of cloth and personality

Friends cheered on
Society looked beyond
Without even a single glance
at my plans at all 

I have a dream
desperately glowing 
as the society continues blowing
to grasp what used to be
such wonderful dreams of mine. 

Failed attempt at being deep HAHA. Don't laugh. I'll feel sad. 
But oh well. 
And yes Ryan, this was what I was typing haha. Like I said, don't laugh. =) 
There was another one but... I don't think it'll make any sense so I'll leave it like this! 

Cheers! 

I'm really sleepy now

Played LoL instead of studying today, as usual. 

So screwed for my exams oh godd. But it's so boring! I don't feel like studying my FoM. 

Anyway. Went out for dinner at Changi Airport Astons and ate some kinda spicy ish chicken thing. Which was nice! Just kinda.. well. Spicy.

Ohh had that annoying BC Mock presentation today which was so depressing. Like my hand gestures were awkward and my slides were boring. And. And. ARRGH BC SUCKS. 

So irritating. 

Anywayyy. 

Went home and played LoL but today was just an anyhow play game day. Like the first game, me and Ryan went to play custom games to try out characters we've never tried before. I tried to do support but.. yeah, kinda failed. As usual. 

But it wasn't  that bad! I mean, I helped. Yes. I helped. My shots did not miss. I was so supportive. 

Fine, so maybe my skills did miss a little. Just a bit. 

Who am I kidding. HAHA. I tried Nami and I missed her first skill big time. Ryan was all " YOU MISSED " and I'm like "YES I KNOW " 

Then we customed another game with Bryan and Mark V. which was totally depressing as well since I was up against Mark. Again. Who totally exposed my weakness. 

Failure to perform under pressure.. or something like that, you get the point. 

Sadly, I couldn't really deny that because it;s kinda true. Not just in a game point of view but in all aspects of my life, haha! 

Well not all  but most. Which is sad enough already. 

Anyway. I tried another new character after that which I totally sucked at but I still had some fun. Part of it was due to me killing the enemy's last champion, dashing Mark's hopes of a penta kill. 

I apologise for that, but I'm not sorry I killed that bugger. Like come on, my score looked so bad. It was a much needed kill to lift my spirits. 

What am I even saying haha. Think the brain's fried already, like so tired now. 

Tomorrow confirm panda eyes one. Oh well. 

Night all, thanks for the company, especially on such a depressing day like today. 
=) 

Sleep with a smile, and hope that tomorrow things will get better. 

I hope. 

Karma

Was actually planning on sleeping like, two hours ago but for some reason, everyone started stalking my blog and like oh my god even I'm laughing at myself! 

So how does karma fit in? Well.. I stalk other blogs so.. yeah end of story. I stalk, you stalk, everyone stalk. =>

Okay that doesn't make sense. Not that much anyway ><. 

It's not complete karma yet because I haven't gotten my sore throat. But maybe karma's planning to leave that till some super important presentation before throwing tonsilitis back at me. That's kinda scary. I should accumulate more good karma HAHA. 

So anyway, I just realised that my blog went from super childish ( yes I admit ) to somehow super emo to even more emo  and then ... back to normal I guess? 

Like oh my god  all the insecurities and inferior complex issues. So ridiculous that I can laugh. At myself. 

Yeah they say laughing at yourself builds... I don't know, character? Builds something. Yeah that's all I know! 

Okay I shouldn't be doing this when it's almost 3 in the morning. 

If only tomorrow no school. 

Goodnights yo! 

And LoL Bitches, you guys suck. In a good way. Somewhat. Depending. On the situation. HAHA. Nah you guys are cool. In a way. Kinda. 

Okay brain fried now people, BYE~ 

Learning new stuff

PACC got cancelled today. YAY! >=D 

But instead of going home straight to mug, Bryan and Mark dragged us to play pool. To which my first reaction was "Oh god nooooooo not pool againnnn." 

But I had fun. First lesson of the day! Don't judge pool. Haha. 

First pairing was with Mark V. And I was like thinking "Oh god nooooooo not Mark V. againnnnnn." I mean, that 1v1 turned last hit training in LoL the other time was kinda traumatising. 

Not really, but kind of. 

And I've never really said this but, he's kinda scary. Like, in the Ryan kind of way. A little. They're both a little scary to me, but no judgments there. 

Anyway, the first round was like stress stress stress because I suck so badly at pool and Mark V. doesn't and I know he wants to win, like duh, who wants to lose? 

And fine, Mark V. didn't exactly scold me at all. He just nagged. A lot. But he helped a lot too, so thanks! Those few minutes were way more beneficial than whatever my secondary school friends have been trying ( in vain ) to teach me. Yay! 

Second pairing was a whole lot more forgiving. Adam! Hahahaha stress begone. Because he is not scary at all~ 

Learned a whole lot of new ... uh. Balance cue stick thingies from Adam today! The knuckle, spider and etc. Shall try out the next time I play =P. 

Learned that those up down adjustable chairs are damn amusing as well today too! Thanks to BaoXin hahaha that bo liao girl happy disturbing everyone sitting on those chairs near her xP. It was really fun. 

Oh, Dad's home. And I'm sleepy. So I shall end here! 

What did I learn today besides pool? Hm. 

I have a lot of new friends in poly that are really cool. And awesome. In their own way. =) 

A fresh start always feels great! 

Cheers!