MEH

I'm so bored right now.

From studying.

HAHAHA.

So.

Simultaneous bilinguals have increased bilateral activation, while sequential bilinguals experience more lateralisation on the left side of the brain for both languages. Is it? Let me check my notes.

Okay. HAHA.

I'm so screwed.

I don't know man. 

Me and my half-assed memory work.

Legit just gonna go in and wing everything sia.

Okay. Let me continue trying to study,

This is horrifying.

Hahahahaha.

Uhm

I'm .... I'm a bit worried.

What am I doing?

I wanted to talk to my friend about this like, two? weeks ago. Because I don't think I'm doing this right.

But just nice that day some stuff came up and we couldn't meet. And after all, school hell continued plus exams are right around the corner so there's no way I can bring this up anymore.

Still...

I... Don't think I'm doing this right. And honestly, come to think of it, I should stop. Why didn't I? SX was like, "Well there's only one reason for continuing talking to him right?"

Is it really? I didn't think so leh. Or am I just being oblivious? No leh. I know myself well enough to know if I'm trying to fake myself or not. Right?

So many questions, haha.

Perhaps it was thoughtless of me. To continue the way I did, or am, actually.

But .... Okay. If I wasn't, I would've shunned avoided blocked etc etc? Well. I suppose to a certain extent that's true. But it's not like, I mean, これは友達だよ！それに、いい友達よ！こんなのことはとてもnot worth it だよ！

So many 'but's.

Is it selfish of me? I think I was being really selfish. What kind of impression have I given? What kind of hopes? What have I been doing? 做人不可以这样的彦娥，是不可以的!

これからどうする？そのままにする？このままじゃ it'll be too late...

Why like that. 为何啊。 　

This is not working out

One whole damn afternoon on one chapter? Something not right.

Why the hell is this chapter so long.

Walao eh.

Last bilingualism class

I love Prof Starr. I really do. Her classes are really interesting.

But why.

Why oh why is it that every week when I look up at the clock after feeling like I've paid so much attention, it's only 15-20mins into her lesson.

I swear. I really love her class okay. Or more like her mod. But good hell her lessons always feel longer than an hour and half!

Okay, I should really be trying to pay more attention.

A persistent thought lingers at the back of my mind, murmuring to me at every waking moment that I'm not going to make it.

I can see all the deadlines and tests running at me like an elephant on a mad rampage, and it's pretty horrifying. Friday. I just need to hold out till Friday. Although I would love to finish that essay before Friday, at the rate I'm going, that's not going to happen.

...

Why is this guy standing so close to me on the train? It's not that crowded. Can he like, take on step to the left or something. I already taking this corner okay, can you get a sense of personal space and fk off a bit further.

Tsk. Angsty already.

Okay, that was rude, but I'm just going to leave it there since that was what went through my mind. Whatever. I'm not moving from my space. This corner is mine for the ride.

Oh well.

Must be more disciplined this week. And when everything is over and done with, I can finally sleep peacefully.

Studying for the finals is going to feel so much better after all this. Or at least, I hope it'll be.

I'm so dead

Tues morning: Tutorial presentation.
Tues afternoon: Japanese 1 min presentation of which I have yet to memorise, and kaiwa of which I also have yet to memorise.

Wednesday: Japanese oral, the first part of which I have yet again to memorise

Thursday: Japanese finals. I haven't even done the webcast for the final lesson, need I say more? At least I'm done with the assignments for Contact class.

Friday: Bilingual essay due. Which I'm typing now but decided to take a mini break because I'm freaking hell panicking.

Dead, so dead this time.

Tehing Daddy

Because I'm too lazy to type it down 

Honestly, it's not something to feel upset about.

Which means, it's probably just the ego talking.

But I guess I'll let the ego run its mouth here in the name of 'outlet'.

Actually, I also don't know leh. Back then, did I turn to anyone?

Well, I suppose back in lower sec, Sarah was always there to listen. Her timing was extraordinary, every time she asked me about them, it'd always be on a Monday morning which, you know what that means! They quarreled on Sunday!

Yeah, but no, that's not the point.

When I think about how my friend might be going through the whole stupid procedure, and I know it must be way worse if it involves the court and all, that stupid image of the lift lobby at Chinatown Point keeps flashing in my mind.

And I get so scared and worried, what if it escalates to that?

It's so weird, it's not even say my family or anything, which means I'm just being kpo. But I really really hope whatever it is, it's not anything like that. I had the luxury of skipping out on so many lawyer meetings. But he has to go through them all? I can't even imagine. I just really really hope it turns out alright at the end of today. I don't want him to experience that, I mean, no one should have to.

Look at my thoughts running around and trailing off! It's been all over the place recently.

Sometimes, I wonder. Am I used to it that its absence feels weird? I'm weird.

And sometimes, I just feel like abandoning everything and running off. Like now, although that's partially due to my schoolwork, haha.

Okay, the thoughts are running everywhere and making no sense again. I'd better return to biling if I'm to complete that essay on time.

Tsk

I'm like, thoroughly heartbroken with this game okay I tell you.

Walao eh why! I don't want the last person standing to be this person!

Thinking about talents again

I realised just as I was about to start typing this post.

I've never really come to terms with my lack or ability.

Or more like, I've been running away from admitting it to myself that I am a talentless person with no abilities to her name.

There, I've said it. In fact, I've said it countless and countless of times to myself, but I guess I've never really tried or wanted to accept this.

Why would I want to? It sucks. Knowing the fact feels horrible enough, but accepting it feels like it'll be permanent. Although, if I don't have the talent or ability for something, chances are it is permanent so ... I don't know what I'm expecting.

Yet, I really want to just accept it. I don't want to be jealous of others, envious or whichever. I hate that feeling. Maybe it's just the pride talking?

But it really sucks.

It's not like I can't do things, sure I love my art and craft and drawing, sure I can plonk out a few memorised tunes on the piano and blow out some shaky notes on the ocarina.

But skill? Creativity? There honestly isn't any.

I can't match colours to save my life. Can't improvise on the piano. Can't play computer games well either.

It seems like everything I love doing, I can't do well at it. Mediocre at best.

Then, I suppose I should ask myself, what's the point of being good at those hobbies then? Aren't hobbies for your own personal enjoyment?

I just want to be good at something. I'm quite sick of being sucky at so many things.

Maybe it's because I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm not thinking hard enough. Not enough effort. Quite possible since I have no willpower.

So, what now? Can I still enjoy everything, despite being terrible and mediocre in life?

Hahaha, it's like having nothing to my name.

Why the hell am I so concerned about this? I don't want to be concerned about this.

Maybe it's because every time I pick up the pencil to draw, I think about giving up that hobby. Every time I try to play a song, I wonder why do I still try when even after 7 years, I still can't master that one piece. And ironically, that song is called Passion. HAHA. Passion.

Where am I going with all this?

I don't know leh.

But, even after all that, I miss drawing and playing the piano so so so much.

Damnit.

The three card switch switch game

My proudest, best and probably the only time I'll pull off a bomb like this.

I mean, he did give me a Queen too but hey, it's worth the two Kings!

Week 12, and we're (or at least I'm) still procrastinating hard.

We can do this!

P.S. Wow, angsty mood swing much over the weekends? Glad to be back to normal.

Mood swings?

Is it mood swing, or am I just getting short tempered with the stress and everything?

Because I'm getting really really frustrated to the point of anger at being forced to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner for some reason. No, not the nice friend reminding me not to skip meals. That's being considerate. I'm thinking more of how my own plans for skipping dinner is being overrun by my dad's plans to keep feeding me.

I mean ya la, ungrateful much, Er? Your parents love and care for you so much.

But good lord and goddess I'm going to gain so much weight at this rate. Is that what this is about?

Meh. I had plans for a nice long run later today to the seaside too. Wonder if that'll ever come to fruition.

In the morning?

Beer??? In the morning? Good hell these men are weird.

Dad, I really can't hold my breath for much longer and the guy next to us is just puffing out second hand smoke like hogwarts express. I really don't want to ruin my lungs on top of everything else.

Good goddess he just snubbed the damn cigarette. Which would be great if the can wasn't so close to me. DADDY HURRY UP WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING ON THE PHONE CAN ANOT I WANT TO GO HOME AND DIE.

Wah they really drinking beer leh. YES YES. What? Go Sheng siong? Daddy I want to go home.

Buy stuff to cook for lunch? I have no appetite anymore leh.

To be honest I don't have the mood or energy for anything anymore. I don't know if it's school or what, but I give up.

I can't do it anymore.

Wow that took a turn real quick.

Okay bye.

Why am I waking up with headaches everyday? It was a good sleep what. Nice, slightly interrupted but still good. It's not like the sun's shining death in my face, so there's really no reason for the headache.

Dreamt of Leslie's class again. This is insane, look, I love his teaching but his classes are absolute nightmares. I really don't need it in my dreams.....

After my mind became full awake, I checked and yup, still mad at myself. This is horrible. I know I'm just making things difficult for myself and stirring up self drama at this point which really needs to stop but I'm not really sure how.

I thought I knew how to clear the mind of bad thoughts, but I guess I don't. So err what now?

Nopenopenope it's not working its not working its not working nothing's working

It's like a coffee crash, a really bad one.

Get a grip Er, get a grip.

I finally got it!

WAY TO GO LA ER You're an absolute idiot, that's what you are.

Yeahh.... no ...

TSK.

ER.

Can you get a grip anot.

Telling myself this every week but seriously 够了hor, enough is enough.

TSK I don't like being like that la. Walao eh girl.

And IVLE isn't loading again. Why huh. Just when I'm determined to complete this shit.

TSK. TSK. GAH.

Can I just disappear from the face of this world seriously.

I'm so frustrated at myself and so sad at the same time UGH I cannot take it TSK.

I don't know what to do with myself right now la ugh. It's just not disappearing from the back of my mind!!! Can you just, go away disappear poof be gone let me be! 

I do not like myself, why am I doing this to myself.

それに、ちょっと寂しくなるんだな。なんか、友達がなくなったの感じ。どうしてこんなの？どうすればいいのかなぁ。また一人になるねぇ。あの間に楽しかったねぇ。でもこれからはたぶん。。。私はばかだなぁ．

I'm really stupid, aren't I?

I think it's been about a month?

Yeah, I think so.

Hello, left hand. You're supposed to be getting better. Why the sudden strain again? I need you for my last push before we break for the exams.

I appreciate being able to play my instruments again, but is it too much to ask for you to get better and not have weird strains again ^.^"

Annoying sia. But okay, it is getting better so I don't complain so much.

Woke up wondering if I dreamt it up but nooope nope nope nope I didn't

Yesterday the bus took so long to come.

Today the bus come earlier.

Both also miss la.

Walao eh.

I know la, cannot ask so much from bus right. Don't be so ji jiao right. But walao eh.

Just nice I really need to take that bus leh.

Today is just a bad day la.

I know she doesn't mean anything by it, and it's also my fault for not doing more for the facilitation, but what...? I mean.

Gah. Forget it.

Let's just have a decent facilitation and get it over with.

Wednesday morning

This. This is not a very good morning okay. 为何这样呢。

First. In the Liar phone game, the guy I had to call out was like, my second favorite in the game!!!!! Voltage how can you do this to me T.T

I was so heartbroken during the train ride to school. Heartbroken I tell you. Even the alternate ending where she ends up with him was enough. Good hell I hope she doesn't end up with the other guy, he's so cocky, arrogant and annoying.

Then after that, when I reached the bus stop at Buona, I took out my phone to check for bus 95's timing (it was 9.08am) only to see that it'll only arrive in like, 12 (?) minutes.

Walao. Then macam I come school normal time no meh. Also not much time to print notes. Why they like that. Annoying leh.

Then, just as the bus arrived, I got a message from my Japanese language classmate. Asking about the date of the final test. I replied, "I think it's week 13" but just I sent it, she continued saying that the notes uploaded for tmr's lecture said its next week.

I'm just.

Next week???? Nonono not happening.

What?!

Oh come on!

It's got to be a typo. Please. Please be a typo.

Sigh. Definitely not the best way to start the morning.

On the bright side, at least I'm awake and not out dead tired!

会話

会話を覚えないとけど。。。ぐだぐだすぎる。

寝たいなあ。どうするの？

I may need to sleep for a whole week straight when this is over with. Why do I do this to myself? The struggle is so real.

There was a week Charlene asked me when my hell week was. I didn't bother checking, I mean, on hindsight I probably should have.

I think I've found it. Yay! Isn't that wonderful. Now what?

I think 今晩プロッジェクト終わらないと。。。でもたぶんできないと思うなあ。

とにかく、頑張ってね! 

It's only 11.48pm

To be honest, I'm trying really, really hard to convince myself that I'm not hungry.

I didn't have breakfast or dinner today, and it's really too late have eat a full meal now. I ate some biscuits to try and quell the hunger pangs but I think all that did was activate the stomach ><.

Would love to knock out and sleep now. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, ended up sleeping at 5am because of the damn mosquito and had to get up at 9am.

But no, I still have slides to do, essay to write and Japanese dialogue to memorise.

All I really want to do is just lie down and sleep though.

Sleep?

Sleep is for the privileged few who have no more assignments to rush T.T Sadly, I'm not one of them. By my own fault of course, sigh. Wherefore art thou, time management skills?

Shu xin and I went a little crazy doing EL 2111's project today though, which was pretty hilarious xD. We were both so tired but pushing through that we started quoting Shakespeare to each other. Even on the way home in the train, what has EL done to us?

I found my favorite line in Shakespeare, or lines maybe. I swear, the part we chose for analysis is amazing HAHA.

1243: And will you rent our ancient love asunder

To join with men, in scorning your poor friend?

I don't remember the line number of the next one, but here goes:

I am amazed at your words. I scorn you not. It seems that you scorn me.

I don't know if I've remembered them accurately, or if I've spelt them right since this project is messing with my spelling oops.

I guess we've entered the somewhat dark side of historical linguistics huh?

Can you believe it? I chose to study this xD.

Need to sleep le

It's 3.35am and I'm going to bed only because I have to be in school tomorrow to complete another project. I mean, I would continue doing this project, hell, I would totally just go at it non-stop if I didn't have to go to school tomorrow.

The coffee must have been pretty powerful for me to still be okay to go on sia. But unfortunately, I need to be awake tomorrow. So. Sleep it is.

I honestly still have no idea how I'm going to structure this research paper. I feel really bad that my prof will have to read it T.T I don't even know like half the terms I'm using, or attempting to use!

At least, one pragmatic meaning down and five(?) more to go.

Breathe Er breathe.

It'll be okay ya.

Everything will be fine.

Your stomach will not give up on you tonight. You're just feeling nervous for god knows what reason.

You will be able to finish some stuff for contact.

Okay, it's all good.

Yup.

Like that also can dream

Not that this was a bad dream, or that I've never had worse but this was definitely not a good way to wake up.

Dreamt that everyone was talking about some lego (lego?!) homework that I wasn't aware of and I wanted to look at it so badly but apparently then sun was shining so brightly that I couldn't see (blame the sun in real life for shining on my face, I want to change my bed's position!) so I tried ridiculously hard to open my eyes and see something (actually come to think of it, I was sleeping so no wonder cannot open eyes) but nooooo could barely see anything until I finally realized I was dreaming and forced myself to wake up. (and that is one whole sentence~)

Which means I have a headache now sigh.

I want to sleep more.

Eh you know, somehow even in my dreams, Adam's the only person who'll help me when I'm in trouble. I should meet up with him again once this mess of a semester is over and see how he's doing. I miss having him around in class sia.

Okay, I should do some work after breakfast to feel less guilty about it.

Collarbones

Sigh. Really glad I got reminded of this place. Otherwise, I'll end up bothering my friend with my useless, mindless chatter. At least here it'll just be me entertaining myself huhuhu.

So like, seductive collarbones?

I swear that's what the story wrote.

Collarbones? Seductive?

The writer sure has some weird fetishes.

Story commentary never stops

In the end, I chose to sleep, but the moment I laid down this is what I started doing.

Er ah, Er. Where is your discipline?

Anyway. Unspeakable fury? You're not alone in that my dear.

Confess already can?