Thinking about talents again

I realised just as I was about to start typing this post.

I've never really come to terms with my lack or ability.

Or more like, I've been running away from admitting it to myself that I am a talentless person with no abilities to her name.

There, I've said it. In fact, I've said it countless and countless of times to myself, but I guess I've never really tried or wanted to accept this.

Why would I want to? It sucks. Knowing the fact feels horrible enough, but accepting it feels like it'll be permanent. Although, if I don't have the talent or ability for something, chances are it is permanent so ... I don't know what I'm expecting.

Yet, I really want to just accept it. I don't want to be jealous of others, envious or whichever. I hate that feeling. Maybe it's just the pride talking?

But it really sucks.

It's not like I can't do things, sure I love my art and craft and drawing, sure I can plonk out a few memorised tunes on the piano and blow out some shaky notes on the ocarina.

But skill? Creativity? There honestly isn't any.

I can't match colours to save my life. Can't improvise on the piano. Can't play computer games well either.

It seems like everything I love doing, I can't do well at it. Mediocre at best.

Then, I suppose I should ask myself, what's the point of being good at those hobbies then? Aren't hobbies for your own personal enjoyment?

I just want to be good at something. I'm quite sick of being sucky at so many things.

Maybe it's because I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm not thinking hard enough. Not enough effort. Quite possible since I have no willpower.

So, what now? Can I still enjoy everything, despite being terrible and mediocre in life?

Hahaha, it's like having nothing to my name.

Why the hell am I so concerned about this? I don't want to be concerned about this.

Maybe it's because every time I pick up the pencil to draw, I think about giving up that hobby. Every time I try to play a song, I wonder why do I still try when even after 7 years, I still can't master that one piece. And ironically, that song is called Passion. HAHA. Passion.

Where am I going with all this?

I don't know leh.

But, even after all that, I miss drawing and playing the piano so so so much.

Damnit.