I should really stop, I have work to do. But this is really addictive!
The woman in this story is so freaking messed up like hello, priorities?
Or just plain selfish, actually.
Wrong her own cousin and end up forcing her into some arranged marriage then cause her to fall out with the guy she really likes, but still more concerned that she won't be able to get close to the other guy if she tells the truth and apologizes???
I feel like I've been saying this alot recently, but GET A GRIP GIRL.
Are you serious?
That's what you're upset about??
Not being able to act as his lover???
Hello, woman your priorities fly until where already?
Oh! The translator thought the same too! I'M NOT ALONE IN MY JUDGEMENTS.
Not mine, Jie's convocation was yesterday.
Which was really cool, like I can't wait till I get to wear that too!
Or scratch that, wearing that means my days as a student is over and that's really scary.
The highlight, anyway, was the family photo and dinner that night!!!
Now, I could totally get all emotional and teary over how it showed me the things I should have but I don't. But I have a choice to be just ultra happy that it happened and while it is super tempting to fall back into the abyss of sorrow, I shall strive to remain in the warmth of happiness ~.
It was so great and so so so special to have a meal together as a family again. Not that I'd ever want them to get together again, hell no that's a terrible idea. But finally they weren't awkward with each other. The power of my sister's graduation is amazing. XD
I read somewhere that happy families are all alike, but unhappy families are different in their own ways or what not.
I think happy families are happy in their own ways too.
I'm seriously so tired and sick of myself right now. -.-
For goodness sake, it's almost like I'm back to the secondary school age emotionally. -.-
Good lord is this what one lousy breakup does to me? It's amazing my mom got through what she did.
What am I clinging on to?
I'm sick of being so unhappy all the time la.
I just want more than 3 years of feeling normal and happy, is it too much to ask for seriously.
Yeah yeah, smile and the world smiles with you. But smile at what, my misery? Hah. I can at least laugh at that, maybe.
What's wrong with you la girl. Can you wake up or not.
The sun has yet to rise, and the air is cool ^^. Weather like that makes everything feel better!
Aiya very depressing la okay scroll insta see everyone so happy with life and everything like ya I know insta only show the happy sides of their life right but I don't even have photos of happy sides of life now???
All those Oh you're back by my side babe and shit ya totally sour grapes here but srsly zzz it's damn sien to scroll and be happy for them because you know you shouldn't sour grapes but damn it I want nice plump sweet grapes too!
And I know I told myself I will never say fml because life is good as long as you look for it but screw this shit ugh I should I happy with my life but I'm not like what is wrong with me whyyy.
K bye lol -.-
I just feel like crying these days when I'm on my way home. I don't know if it's just because I'm not handling my time and everything correctly or because I really made a mistake.
I'm just really scared
I had so much fun today that I didn't want it to end! I wish I could have it all over again, every single minute and moment of it. ^^
Ya cos like, ever since secondary school, I kind of don't get invited for anything anymore.
Sounds so ridiculous but really.
Like, in lower sec, one of the girls had a gathering to celebrate her birthday at East coast Park and like almost all the girls were there, including my, I guess clique? But obviously I wasn't.
So apparently something big happened, along the lines of some girl getting rejected by a guy and they were quietly buzzing about it, including my clique, but I was so out of the loop.
Which is a pretty lonely feeling.
Fast forward to seven years later, where I casually check Instagram and I notice my classmates meeting up and posting photos of it every now and then.
It's a small group of them, but still.
Because I was supposedly closer to them at the start? Or so I thought anyway.
Special birthday posts for them. Random meet ups. All of which just doesn't happen to me.
And it's not like I should be jealous or envious or anything, since I do like staying home by myself too and meeting up with them usually feels weird because I can't follow what they're talking about.
Even so, it feels kinda sad. And lonely.
That even after so many years, nothing much has changed. I'm still sitting on the other side looking over enviously, wondering why am I not there too.
It's amazing how a whole train of thought can go through your mind in literally a split second.
Just moments ago, I dropped one of my sister's favourite necklace on the escalator just as it was about to end. I quickly picked it up and got off the escalator without damaging the necklace or hurting myself.
Sounds normal enough right?
Immediately after, however, my hands began trembling a little because of what went through my mind and how many emotions I felt within that second.
"Necklace dropped?"
Image of myself putting the necklace in my bag and the reason I did so flashed in my mind.
Brain registered that it's my sister's (favourite) necklace.
Instant panic.
Brain screamed, "JIE'S NECKLACE OHMYGOD SHE WILL KILL ME!!!"
Image of my sister being very upset when she finds out flashed quickly.
Brain also registered that if it goes in, the necklace is history.
Body moved by itself working with the hand and legs to pick up the necklace and step off the escalator without tripping.
HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF.
At that moment, I definitely reacted faster than usual. It was like an unknown force just pushed my down to grab it and move. Is this what desperation feels like?
Anyhow, together with the bad photo submission for my student card, this promises to be a good start to the day. =/
I've said this before so many times and I'll say it again.
I'm so not going to touch Mcfries anymore. Ugh that feeling in your stomach after that is just so terrible. For me at least, anyway. It's McCorn if I order a meal next time. XD
Okay okay, unless it's a shaker. Maybe then I'll reconsider. Because seaweed shaker rocks.
It's just a stupid game but I feel so goddamn demoralized from freaking constantly losing cos I've been losing to everyone since like the beginning of time and I just suck at everything and I really hate it like tell me how to enjoy myself when I'm constantly dying even though I'm trying but obviously not enough because I'm still freaking dying and losing in the stupid game like 5-8 freaking times to get a Vista what the freak I'm like world's greatest loser and fail for getting that dumb Vista and every single damn time they want to pvp I always lose like why what the hell and Oh of course I find that do fun, being pounded over again and again of course that's entertaining but of course that's my problem again because I didn't learn well or try hard enough well I'm stupid anyway and I suck in life and I'm dumb so it doesn't really matter now does it and I had a point here I forgot where I was going with this ugh whatever I suck at that stupid game and I'm angry and upset so whatever
It's so hard.
Going through wave after wave of conflicting emotions, tearing uncontrollably, then furiously blinking them all back.
Yet nothing I do will bring her back.
Why is it that those sec school kids can afford a llao llao each on their own while the only times I have ever eaten them are when I'm sharing with a friend and they can be eating that kinda pricey yogurt but I'm trying to find cheap dinners why
Pretty tired right now, so I'm tucked into bed and slowly closing my eyes when my sister's piano music drifts into my room.
Gave me a really nostalgic feeling and flashback to a really long time ago when I would be just waking up from naps in the room to the sound of my sister's playing.
From the dim lighting in my room, to the light under my door and the soft playing of music, it's been so long since I last had my sister's music gently wake me, or in this case, lull me to sleep.
Long sentence Oops.
Goodnight.
Is it like, there's no other option unless I wholly agree with your beliefs? Can there be no compromise?
What does this mean then, I can't talk about my beliefs because you don't like it or believe in it? I can't even share what I feel is important to me with you?
Why am I doing this anyway then. When you expect me to be perfectly open towards yours but you are so closed minded towards mine.
Too many reality shocks and realisations today. Hearing it and knowing it to be true is just depressing, and it makes you judge every life decision you made up till this day.
Painful as it was, it was a well needed wake up call and I'm glad to have had it. Everything that I was feeling was put into words and finally didn't feel unfounded.
It's tough, and it will be even more so in the future. But when it's time to cross that bridge, I can, and I will.
I can't remember where I read this. But I really wish I did because I think I really need it again.
So many 'I' in that paragraph.
Something along the lines "Learn to recognise those feelings and detach yourself from it"
Nowhere near positive sounding, huh? In fact now that I'm reading it again, it sounds terrible! Emotional detachment? Seriously?
Maybe that's why I'm such a horrible person. Hmm...
But well, it helped when I needed it to. I mean, it stopped me from entering mindless crushes.. (no offense but well I didn't want to crush on anyone then and it totally helped keep it in check). Helped when I got jealous or angry.
Special exceptions to those moments when detachment just wasn't possible Oops.
Like... It let me step back and examine those feelings as neutrally as possible. Why am I feeling jealous or angry? Why do I feel inclined to that person?
Although more often than not I'd step back, or run as far as possible, before throwing that feeling away to settle down my emotions.
I know, I know. Running away! The coward's way out! DISHONOUR!
I can hear it all man. 'Learn to control your emotions, running away isn't the answer. One day it'll catch up with you and you'll have to face it eventually. Stand and confront those feelings and make peace with yourself!'
And so on and so forth. Right? Right??
But right now, I really need to stop those demons from getting hold of me again.
Yeah I'm a pretty terrible person.
When will I ever learn to be a better person, be less selfish, less angsty and less stupid!
Okay that last one. Idk mann.
Alright maybe less judgemental.
Oh well I guess... 2016 goals?
HAH. As if that would ever happen
So like I'm walking to the mrt using the new business school and it passes through some part of the engineering school.
So there's this window which I can look in and see some guys doing some work inside the lab and they noticed me looking.
And like obviously these people already planned it because they had placards on their table and quickly held it up pointing at me and giving heart signs?!
It was freaking funny cos the signs said stuff like 'dating 9.5/10'
'you look great today' and stuff and stuff and it was damn funny so I just laughed and like thumbs up them.
The kind of thing that only exists in animes!
It's funny, you know?
When we're young, we have so many dreams and aspirations, so many hopes and ambitions.
Yet in the end, how many of us actually end up doing what we said we wanted to do at the age of 12? (it's a random number I picked haha)
I'm actually growing up. 😒
All the stuff I said I wanted to be or do, I never actually did.
Little by little, I'm losing interest in things that once captivated me for hours.
It feels like I'm losing interest in life itself. Everything feels boring. It's almost like there's no meaning to doing anything anymore.
My hobbies aren't fun anymore. My studies feel meaningless. It's like I'm floating by, barely touching reality because I really don't know what's going on and I have little interest to find out.
Everyday it's just wake up, eat, chill, eat, chill, sleep. Basic fundamentals of human life. I barely wake up feeling excited and happy to be alive. If I didn't have someone visiting me almost every morning to look forward to, I wouldn't know what to do waking up at all.
It's like I look around myself sometimes thinking, what am I doing with my life? What am I doing?
Everyone has a plan of some sort. Backup plans even. And I'm just taking it as it goes along.
Okay maybe I'm just sitting bored so I decided to write a post. But I got to go now so that's all for now folks
Fucked up leh you know?
Excuse the language I guess 😒
Xian qi the daughter never see msg cannot video call. For once I try be good and tell Jie talk to dad cos he probably misses you.
Seeing that he favours her more and all right? Makes sense right?
But nooo we both ready to set up for him and he's too lazy to get up and see the daughter he hasn't seen for the past month or so.
Riiiight. So... All he wanted was to show her face to ah mah? For? Are we on good terms with her? Seems like everyone but her knows that that's nowhere near the truth.
Well. You have parents who can't let go of their apron strings, parents who only want to let go of one string, and parents who just can't wait to let them go.
Okay I apologise for the language earlier. As a daughter I shouldn't be so crude describing my family.
But of course I'm annoyed. Sigh. Okay. Bye.
I really need to get this off my chest.
It's really saddening. But I shouldn't despair just yet.
Yet, knowing that something like that may sometime in the future hurt everything, it's kinda frustrating.
Unyielding.
Not that it can be anything else.
Like that how? It's so hard.
It's so depressing cos I had so much fun ever overseas in Japan but now I'm back in hazy singapore and damn the caffeine crash is real
See all the project reminders like freaking sian plus I gained weight from overseas like zzz and the worst part is I can't go swim or run to work it off or feel better because of the stupid haze like walao I feel damn fat now lor tsk the trip back to reality us so bad and it's hitting so hard and I'm just really sad now
Why suddenly my life got so much dramarama.
GET A GRIP EVERYONE WE CAN PULL THOUGH LIFE TOGETHER
Ya like why other girls wear shirt and shorts they still look so feminine and cute and stuff but I wear shirt and shorts it's just lupsup I don't get it
As the lids fall shut and the world turns dark, I heave a sigh and submit myself to the swirling currents of my thoughts.
As sleep creeps closer and reaches out to me, will the currents slow and still itself, or drown and consume me?
As dreams are woven by sleep herself, will she choose to line it with silver and gold, and present me an offering of a peaceful night, or will she line it with coal, dark and coarse, rough and unforgiving to torment my wearied mind and deprive it of a good night's rest.
As day breaks and the sun rises, the waters turn calm and still. Gone are the torrential waves that seek to occupy and consume the mind, gone is sleep, whatever mischief she was up to before, gone is the cold darkness and come light once more.
Yet beneath the surface of the deep blue sea, not too far, merely a hand's reach, there lie the thoughts lurking quietly, biding it's time until night falls once more.
Tell you step deep already. I clap for myself, wah so deep also can post. Thick skin level max 1000 hahahaha. Goodnight everyone ~
Yan Er
Exactly as it says above. Freaking Internet. I want my guild wars!
So right now I'm just like staring and stoning into space.
Stoone.
Staare.
I'm really confused.
Sooo confused about everythinggg.
If only I could have those wings I've dreamt of having for years and just fly off somewhere.
Screw all the troubles and worries and mumble jumble.
I don't even know what to think.
Or is it just mood swings, idk man haha.
What to do, what to do?
But hey having issues in more ways than 1. Like my internet connectivity. Got problem sia. Hope it's not the bill thing. Anyway. Part 2 right?
And gosh while it's incredibly stupid for me to hope no one sees this when I'm posting it on the world wide web, I still kinda y'know, hope. A bit sensitive you see.
Anyway. I know that when someone shows you (very happily and excitedly may I add) something they really like or believe in, I'm supposed to listen to the best of my abilities because it matters so much to them.
But man. It's so terribly mean to say this but. Okay. Let's just say. That in a certain Holy ground I will definitely, most definitely a hundred percent fall asleep because well. Yeah.
And it's so horrible of me gosh like I'm so sorry man. And goodness knows I'm not known for my patience, ever.
And (lots of Ands today) while I did try, it was a terrible effort.
Yet at the same time. Part of me was just so uncomfortable. I don't even know why. But it was so uncomfortable. I just didn't know how to respond to it. It's like if someone shows you their drawings, you know the polite response even if you're not interested would be to at least glance at it and pay a small compliment like 'Oh, that's really nice.'
Or like if someone is going on about how great Bach and his music is. You kinda like nod and go along? 'Yeah Yeah, I see. Oh, does it really? I'm completely tone deaf, I guess he must be really great though.'
Polite interest.
But like. What do I do here? Sure, in a better mood I can do most of what I just described. But if they look at you waiting for a response, what am I supposed to say? Something so sensitive like that, seriously the only honest thing I can say without fearing it being offensive is admitting I have no idea what in the world the other person is talking about.
Which.. Did I? I don't remember.
I'm a horrible person and but I guess I deserve this cos it feels like karma is coming after me with a vengeance.
How is this going to work man? I don't get it. I really don't. I don't fault the logic behind it but... I really don't know what to say.
I hope it works out. I really do.
Always got problems one so what to do? It's like karma coming to bite me in the ass sometimes.
First thing is like.
Eh. Why my guild wars cannot load. No oooo I want to play leh can load anot pleaase. Sigh anyway.
First thing is like you know that realisation that you're so freaking average in life. Like oh everyone has something they can do well in. Some people can game well, some people can sports well (you get what I mean la) some people can art well, cook well, music well, smart well, all the damn talents everywhere.
Then you take a look at yourself.
Wah this guild wars testing my patience. Shall restart comp. Orr. Heh. Orr. Or I could play Sims. Hmm. Okay. Let's load Sims.
Yeah back to looking at myself. Can't game. Enjoy game but honestly suck at it and don't know what I'm doing half the time it's embarrassing. Can't sports well. Just look at... My WiFi signal... Is having issues... Ugh.
No no that's not what I want you to look at. Although just look at it! Not working.
Anyway. Yeah just look at my cca. Worst player, slowest runner, weakest player, slowest reaction, least improved. It's embarrassing. I love playing it but let's face it, I'm not good enough. Ever.
Then we have art. Yeah people say I can art well. Drawing I guess. But out there, it's mediocre at best. On an average, I guess it's better than nothing.
Music? Sure I can play. But talent? Nope nothing there. Play by ear? Sorry only one hand which is... Pathetic cos what's the point. Express feelings and crap? My music is monotonous. Like my life actually haha.
Yeah and people say I smart well. But social media tells you good grades doesn't mean you're smart, means you're obedient, slave to school system, memory machine. Means you're dumb but happens the system that tests if you're smart or not fits you. Yeah I know, not creative or street smart or anything.
Okay yeah y'all probably thinking, this girl putting herself down on purpose, you have good grades and you complaining? What's your issue?! You can draw and you can play the piano? I can't even do that etc etc. (I know cos that's exactly what I would think)
Oh my God it's really not connecting I really want my guild wars!
Then why am I doing this? I just feel so inadequate, so average. Like, I'm not good at anything. Yeah Yeah practice more, try harder etc etc. Maybe I'm really just not trying hard enough.
Wah type so long already but I actually still have something else to talk about. Let's split this into 2.
As a daughter, I'm horrible. I'm selfish.
I should be patiently listening to her, giving her encouragements and supporting her they way she does to me.
Yet everytime I just want to run away and not have anything to do with it. I'm so tired of the dramas in life.
Yeah, I know. It has concluded. I should be grateful for how peaceful it is now as compared to the past.
But there's a part of me than just wants to detach myself from everything. Because running away is always easier.
I don't know what to do anymore as a daughter.
Yeah to pray for Jie's flight and my dreams and stuff.
At the same time decided to just shake shake and ask about some stuff.
So I asked about studies and relationship. Which she said was fine so I'll just keep trying my best and hope for the best.
Then grabbed a few amulets for the retail girls cos we going swimming then now 7th month so just bring la right haha but so paiseh grabbed so many then felt so wah so greedy but kept telling myself no no is for my friends so it's okay... Right?
But well you know it's things like that that remind me why I still consider myself a Buddhist because at the very least, I still have some sort of belief in it and to me that's enough for now.
This kind of deep deep stuff eeyugh I not good. Need meet up with gen and talk to her about it.
Yeah. It's been a long long while since I felt this weird, heavy feeling on my chest. I believe people usually call it sadness.
Well it's not sad exactly... Kind of like sigh now what do I do kind of sad?
I am so afraid.
So afraid of messing things up. Of hurting people's feelings. Of being anything less than what people expect me to be.
Okay the last one not so much anymore, but I'm still afraid.
But really, what do I do now? Maybe I'm just worrying too much (as usual) in advance.
Yet.. I mean.. Okay come on. Going to a church? That is like one of the top places I never wanted to enter. But telling that to a Christian would be offensive.
At the same time, I really really feel uncomfortable with just the thought that I might have to enter one. Why? I don't even know, which frustrates me quite a little.
At the moment, my interest in religion as a whole is just zilch. And I'm just thinking, if I'm not sincere towards the whole thing, then for what reason am I there?
I think I'm seriously worrying too much in advance.
Yan Er
Like ugh if it was other kinds of trouble it'd be fine but no it has to be this kind ohmygod why
Because yesterday my shift ended at 3pm (hell yeah 15 days more whoohoo) so I was early for training (wow am I hardworking haha).
Anyway training as usual, did volley kills with Glenn but we both were being so bad at it as usual. I just don't get volleys man.
Oh oh before training started, cos like coach was late so we had to warm up first, Chun En, Yu Liang, Remus and I decided to practice rotational drives but halfway through Chun En decided to do some 15 point thing, like whoever misses the shot the opponent gets one point so whoever reaches 15 first wins and the rest down 15 push-ups.
Damn I somehow through a lot of luck (haha) managed to get 14 but I screwed up so not long latee Chun En won sigh and I tried to bargain like 15 minus how many points we got (insert evil glare from Yu Liang cos he got 7) but the answer was haha no way man ~
Anyway after the drills with Glenn we had to try volleying during rotational drive which I was doing with Glenn but like halfway through wham impact on my right cheek because he somehow managed to volley straight at my face.
Direct shot man haha I think I dropped my racket, I don't remember because everything went white for a split second and I was holding my face going ouch ouch ouch ouch and I only remember looking up and seeing Glenn holding me going IT'S OKAY IT'S OKAY YOU CAN CRY IT'S OKAY TO CRY OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY
And honestly I think the pain was maybe more from shock because my face was numb like really numb and he helped me out of the court and everyone dumped cold water bottles on my face since thank goodness for water coolers near the court Hahaha.
So right now it just looks like a mosquito bite (or love bite according to Remus and Remus only LOL).
That side of the face feels weird though it could just be me feeling overly conscious of it haha like it's not exactly pain but just discomfort.
Everyone started joking afterwards about wracking the other side of the face to even think up just in case it swells or something, haha! But I think it's actually going to be okay lor cos well I don't know, but cheek got alot of cushion and my teeth are still in place so it's okay.
IT'S OKAY GLENN HAHA I'M FINE ~
Well I'm on the way to work now anyway sigh FIFTEEN DAYS WE CAN DO THIS SHET!
Yan Er
To all the teachers or basically everyone who never understood why speaking in front of a crowd was like hell for me to the point no one could hear me even with a mike, I'm slowly getting over it myself so thanks for the non existent support you provided through frustrated looks and sighs
My god I sound so insta what like haha those people post picture then long description. But it just popped up like that in my mind. The humiliation of being too scared to talk in front of huge groups.
Okay this is too much for me Hahaha reaching tamp already, another day of ITP down yay!
The wind was (not gently) blowing, the sky was baby blue, and my mood was the happiest I've felt in a while from morning.
Happiness feels good ~
Always see the phrase don't judge book by its cover.
Usually when i scold/get a little vulgar aka today during training haha people get this super shocked face.
But like I scold is quite normal leh. Like really. They really never hear before?
Actually. All my poly friends always feel weird when I scold those because my face doesn't seem to match it.
Calm calm one or poker face or something. Really? Wow my face is really not known to me man.
So informal today cos after training tired ah. And I wish that this kind of days can go on and on. Those cca people rock you know?
Just that today no one go back with me quite sad ah. Usually whole ride is either I hear Ian talk the whole way or if just me and yu liang then we bullshit some stuff all the way. Fun you know?
Okay almost half my journey done liao. Very stress sia this term. GPA confirm got problem this time one. But no one will believe me.
Aiya. Reach home bathe then continue stressing. Studies aren't my everything anymore. I hope. Kk bye.
As long as you've graduated from secondary school, everyone will always ask and compare. Now, or then?
Usually, I prefer now to then. But everyone's like "No no no, secondary school was more fun."
In a way, I kind of agree with them. The girl friends I made there feels so much more real. I mean, yeah I hated my school and my cca but the friends I made were pretty awesome.
Actually then why do I say I prefer poly? This is weird. I mean yeah its the first time I can talk to more people in class, more girls actually. No I'm not les.
The freedom is amazing. My cca is awesome and I love the friends I made there.
I think.. I tend to say I prefer poly because .. probably because I hate myself a lot less than in secondary school.
Thing is, if I don't sit down and think about all the good times in secondary school, when I think about those four years, I can only see through this dark filter.
Images of myself walking home alone because I had no one to hang with after school. Of me looking down from the fourth floor wondering if life was worth living even though I'm allergic to pain. (Haha). Sitting huddled at the back of class during recess because I hated going for recess. On the steps because everyone left without me.
Not so much of Kezia and I giggling over stupid things, peeping over Roii's shoulder like bashful admirers because her drawing is awesome. Racing with the guys to see who could finish their math questions faster. Poking fun of everyone and the school with Sarah and Soo. I hardly see those when I think of HSCS.
Its so unfair. Why does everyone love their secondary school so much? Why do they get to see all the light and sunshine, the happy and awesome? And all that comes to mind is the patch of darkness. Life now is still fair from perfection but I still love it, and it seems like no one else does.
I guess I don't have a definite answer for this. I like them both. Different aspects of them. But honestly? Even primary school felt better than secondary school. Ugh this is not going to end.
Kay bye~
Last night's ride home was awkward and downright depressing.
Both of them were arguing over something so ugh and the conclusion was so blehh also.
Ended up feeling pretty upset too because they were both genuinely upset and really arguing and I was just like, god no not my friends too please stop ugh enough why guys don't argue over nothing
So that walk back, well it was kinda like walking home alone because Ian was just walking infront and I lost the motivation or whatever to keep up since we were both just like silent the whole way.
I kind of expected him to just walk on ahead without stopping or anything but man he actually stopped and waited for me to catch up and just gave me like the friendliest sort of smile i guess that I've ever seen when upset and was like don't think too much about it la and well I could only nod because you know, I lose my voice when I'm that upset so we parted with a 'goodnight' and a wave and that made everything alot better for a while.
Then I got a text and had to deal with the continued drama from the other party all the way to 1am so I'm pretty surprised at how awake I am now considering only 5 hours of sleep.
Gah I don't know what to do with the both of them anymore. We're not physically together but for some reason I still can hear that same deafening silence from last night and its so unsettling and its making me lose my appetite although I don't know why ugh well it saves money but ahhhh.
Kay bye ~
These days, a particular memory from secondary school keeps resurfacing and good gosh it's making me miserable please stop.
I think it was in sec 3 or 4 that this happened, though I'm not very sure. It could be lower sec 2.
We were collecting orders for the guide cookies and well with my extremely small circle of friends, I didn't really have many people to ask. Not to mention most of them (which was two haha pathetic right) were also girl guides so my list looked really... empty.
I felt way too shy to ask people and when I finally got around to doing that, I found out that most had already gone to my other two friends to order the cookies. It was either that or they couldn't afford it.
I guess I must have looked pretty miserable because Adam and Raihan dug into their pockets to share one box and order from me so that my list would look so sad and damn did I feel like crying at that moment.
To have such awesome friends made me feel so touched and grateful, but at the same time the feelong of being pitied like that felt so horrible. But even so thank you so much guys haha, it made my day anyway. =D
Making friends is really hard. Even now, I'm still questioning what kind of friends do I have in class. The feeling is so dang weird. Like we're friends but at the same time, something about being friends is missing. And it's probably because of something about me since I've had this feeling since always.
Ah I don't know how to say this. Friends but it feels so weird. What am I saying.
These are just really small things that probably shouldn't bother me but still, I am disturbed.
Like. I just went out to get food and like duh they all knew because I walked across their seats but no one joined me so I just went on alone. Do I have to invite you to come? You can just get up and say something about wanting to get food too right?
Then I get back and sit down.
"oh want to get food?"
Then everyone stands up to go out and buy food. What the hell?
At least Adeline asked if I wanted to go out with them but what the hell?
I just got back like what.
I can't even tell if I'm being too sensitive or what, but recently it just feels as if I'm not really friends with any of them. Like yeah friends and nothing more than that which is just depressing.
It is interesting how I don't give a fuck about him anymore.
It is amazing how ridiculous he can be.
And it is down downright horrid how he chose her over his own daughters.
Family? Please.
I didn't know that walking out on your own family was so easy for you to do.
When I looked up, for just one moment, the gently falling rain reminded me of snow.
Hey a girl can dream can't she?
I'm so dead so dead so dead for tomorrow's fma ohmygoddd
This is the first time going in feeling super unprepared yet i can't really do more omg there goes the gpa
Its scary because I can sort of understand why someone would cut themselves.
At that moment pain is a much better distraction for the tears that are about to spill, or maybe the breakdown waiting to happen.
Close, but not quite there yet.
Good thing I'm allergic to pain.
So that's how long I have left to enjoy life as I know it.
When will they stop the good guy bad guy thing?
I'm getting really sick and tired of all this shit.
Things feel really crappy recently and it sucks because I'm starting to feel a bit of secondary school feeling which I never want to feel again because the loneliness and envy just sucked so bad yet right now life is starting to suck so much because my family is just screwed up and exams are coming but the mood just isn't there so my GPA is confirm going to drop and sometimes I just want someone to understand that everything is getting so messed up that I can't feel happy for others and I'm getting so angry inside that it's scary because I don't know what to do but no one likes sob stories and no one can help me get rid of this anger and sometimes it's like no one cares even though I know that's not true but everything is piling up and if I don't deal with this then the feeling weighing on my chest won't go away and I'll feel like those times when I hid outside class during recess because I felt invisible and being in a room with others felt even worse and I haven't used a comma or a fullstop so maybe I should end this here okay goodnight people!
I did something stupid last night but well if I didn't try then, I probably would never know right? (--> trying to convince myself harhar)
I accompanied Val, Bryan and Mark to Clarke quay last night with Eva and well. You know, Clarke quay = glug glug of disgusting alcohol.
Before you continue judging, let me just say all i had was one darn tequila shot, just one okay!
So obviously i should be fine but well hahahaha! God knows what happened with my stomach, I just rejected everything during the week hours of the morning and puked it all out. And it wasn't even much to begin with!
So for two freaking hours this morning I went from diarrhea to throwing up (phlegm of all things because there wasn't anything else ugh) to resting and repeating the whole shit again and again.
I say trauma because when I look at lemons now, (it was part of the drink) I get this sick feeling and ugh looking at the photos of those crappy drinks feels even worse.
The only good thing was that I learnt where meidi-ya is located.
Looks like I'm not drinking or eating lemons for the next 10 years of my life if its anything like my fear of eating luncheon meat =\
Anyway thanks Eva for sending Bryan to wait with me for the taxi and thanks Bryan for waiting even though you probably wanted to sit with the others and wait for your colourful shots.
I forgot to post this or record this or something haha
Cos like on Friday when we were filming a video for CI project, Bryan wore his formal shirt over his well shirt and then put on the blazer, then tried to wear his tie. But since he so fail plus so many layers the hand cannot move or something, end up Adeline and I help him wear tie and adjust the clothes and we were like "wah feel like two mothers dressing the son like that"
which was like yeah, because I was even tightening the tie for him while she adjusted the collars like Tsk tsk Bryan.
Then after that, I thought like so many layers plus the blazer fit not that well so look a bit weird. So i said to Zahidah, "something looks off."
And ohmygod she heard it as "suddenly he looks hot." So she looked at me and was like HUH what did you say??
And I'm like confused so I repeated myself and she started laughing and told me what she heard and we both started laughing like crazy.
Oh Saturday at Bryan's house was damn fun too. Apparently all dog owners tease their dogs the sane way!
Byee
It's because he cheers me on at such unexpected moments that he's such a treasured friend of mine.
I mean duh that's not the only reason, there's a whole lot more. Anyway.
Thanks for that random mini pep talk dude! You keep going on strong too!
I don't know how he knows but he knows hahaha
Yan Er
Just read a post online about how bad the economic state of the world is now.
Over 200 trillion dollars in debt, desperate until negative interest rates, rising unemployment...
What kind of system have we created for ourselves to live in?
Yan Er
Like really leh.
Today I ate two small sushi rolls thingy, the small round one that always pack in 6 yeah I had two technically for breakfast.
Thennn... apple juice during QA...
Then chawamushi during this rare Wednesday break.
Insert long walk from business block to main library because I was a bit early and it was too bloody hot to not be in air con.
Then gened which I didn't really care about and well I hope the teacher doesn't hate me for expressing my absolute honest opinion about next week's seminar....
Then watched the squash guys read about dota for a few mins lol yes really I did, weird right.
Then apple juice again plus pocky and hello panda during jap class before going for cca. (Insert listless drills and hellish running because I cannot run at all).
Then finally, sprite on the way home and instant noodles with egg for dinner.
MAN I need some meat or something. Eat so little but exercise so much.
I deserve some nice snacks/food tomorrow right!
Okay goodnight!
Today's one of those days I find titling my posts super cheesy. Like so step haha.
Anyway. Even though its not that bad, my grades are like slipping alot by my standards and while I would have readily given up squash to study (basically go home slack then study a bit), I'm not so willing anymore.
I mean well yeah I am giving up that one extra day of squash a week with dad and sis, rather reluctantly of course. I guess this is the point the teachers luurve telling us to balance cca and schoolwork because it is so humanly possible to do that without getting exhausted!
This is why people have that triangle thing saying things like homework + sleep = no life, cca + sleep = bad grades and cca + homework = no sleep. What are they expecting us to be? Bionic teens with boundless of energy??
Anyway. Because of this, I'm like wondering if I should stop trying to be the best in everything to be happy or to do my best and be satisfied.
Like just aim for A can already. People around me all sp smart, I really don't know how they do it. Plus xi en and shu ang far beyond my level already.
Woah this is getting too long. Okay I'm going to be super early for school today haha oh well.
Bye!
Last night kena poker cards PT.
T.T
Because the last time we did that, coach shuffled and we had to do 3 mins plank in total, she decided to let one of us shuffle.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Yu Liang's shuffling sucks.
Apparently at one point of time we had to do 40 tuck jumps in a row because of the picture cards and I remember hearing a lot of "7 more!" For like toe touches or something.
And! There were two picture cards (aka repeat previous action) after the plank card. Since each deck has two jokers (joker=plank), we did like, 4 mins plank in total. More than three quarters i cheated of course.
I'm exhausted. 8 am class after that sigh how to survive all the deserts in CI later you tell me.
But it was fun! ^^
I've been hearing this alot lately from my family, that I don't pay attention to my surroundings when I'm with them and well, duh, that's completely true.
My only defence is that when I'm with samantha, I become a little less blur because she is just as blur as I'm am (sorry Sam).
So i thought that maybe when I'm with friends, I'm like more alert or something but nooope I guess not.
After training yesterday we ended up touring redhill-commonwealth no thanks to Ian and JS and on obviously had to cross/jaywalk many roads.
And for almost every small road we had to jaywalk, I didn't notice the car round the corner and YuLiang had to stop me. Way too many times. Because after a while I stopped looking out for cars.
Man I'm horrible.
I'm seeing a lot lot lot of 'happy 18th birthday!' Recently and its like, is there a difference?
Besides the fact that we're no longer 17, duh.
As in, I don't feel different. From 16. Because being 17 didn't feel that different from 16 either.
Well yeah yeah I've gotten alot more angry inside and stuff but like I still look the same!
It has come back to this once again HAHA. This is the ever constant topic between me and Sam every time we meet.
"Everyone looks so different ohmygod. Why we still look the same."
Looks down at what we're wearing, which is basically shirt, shorts and slippers.
Fine this is coming up now because I just saw some photos on insta and I'm like woah people they look different in a really good way.
Oh well. I just realised, it doesn't matter HAHA. I'm weird.
Bye y'all I'm off to school ~
Yeah exactly what the title says because I stayed back today to chiong my MIR project and I wanted to ask the teacher some questions but she forever never pick up phone so when I finally got bored enough and decided to go upstairs with Bryan to find her, she was already leaving for her lecture so I was like I'll come back in an hour!
Obviously I didn't really because it's me and also because when it was almost 5pm, JS asked if anyone had android charger, which i did, so I went from the business printing room to spectrum to lend him for a while, but I ended up staying to play some multiplayer game with him and Sherman for a quite a while until RuiShan called me to do a dry run for our presentation tomorrow so sadly I had to run off.
Here comes the lucky part, haha. I RAN INTO THE TEACHER WHILE RUNNING BACK UP HAHAHA OH GOD SO LUCKY YAY!!!!
Okay just killed myself playing squash so bye ~
Wanted to post this for a while but got too lazy so shall post it now!
Pardon the bad handwriting, I was furious, haha.
If you take a moment to just stop and stare at the sky, sometimes it looks pretty friggin awesome.
Today didn't go well.
First was probably my fault, should have left for school earlier. Anyway, I ended up rushing a little which sucked because my legs were still aching from Monday's running.
Then, was FMA's tutorial. Basically, I didn't get shit if what he was rambling on and on about. To think accounting's one of my options for year three ...
But wait! Right after that was QA lab and oh tadahh decision trees! Dumb diagram. So bloody confusing.
But wait! There's more! Immediately after QA was gen ed which (mind, QA was at T22) was at main library level 4A. Not only did I have to rush there, I almost got lost. Way to go.
But wait! Gen ed dragged on about 10 mins extra which was seriously bleh because ISPP sucks, I don't care about what I'm studying. Plus, I had another class back at ... wait for it... T21!
Keep waiting! Because it started raining and I had to take a different route to avoid the rain, which didn't really work because I got a bit desperate and walked in the rain a bit.
The waiting ends here kinda because right after jap class, I had cca which I was as usual reluctant to go. Strangely though, this time, it was cca that made this whole damn Wednesday so much happier.
Chatted over dinner, played bridge, walked this ridiculously longer way back to the Mrt, bickered with my senior Sherman, laughed at each other, suffered PT... yeah, it's definitely a happy end to an annoying day. =)
