It's definitely going to be a lonely and difficult semester, I think.
It feels like I've turned from the role of the supported to the support - and I don't know how to do that. It's scary.
Also, people will move on. He will move on to a person better than me. Nothing for me to comment beyond that, I suppose. It's just a weird, sad feeling. At the same time, I'll be a little glad when he does.
Ahhhh. I screwed it all up, right as uni is about to poofle before my very eyes.
Poofle.
Salty, legit low key salty.
I mean, I mentioned so many times but apparently cannot la so I doubt my words carried as much weight as was said to be?
Nah I'm just being damn salty.
But hey, whatever works right? As long as its better then okay la nothing to complain then.
I mean, it's pretty とうぜん so... Aight it's gonna be alright.
And thus the circle shrinks yet once again.
Goodnight world.
I mean, I think I'll just have to get used to the silence again.
It was a great time while it lasted, I suppose. But it's not a luxury that is for me to have anymore now.
Maybe I should download Mystic Messenger again, HAHA. False company for the next 10 days.
I was really looking forward to it but nope.
And its really 仕方ない的东西 you know? So like, what to do?
Ya lor. What to do.
School's starting next week, and it feels like it's going to get real lonely when it does.
I don't know what I want anymore.
Haha I wonder if packing up and literally running away from my problems is an option.
It's not. I know.
But damn I wish it were.
I can smell resin in my room. Which is probably not a good thing, so I hope I wake up tomorrow haha. I took it out from under my bed but I don't get it, I can still smell it. Is something leaking??? The largest bottle I have is almost empty so it can't be leaking. Where is this smell coming from????
Maybe placing art supplies directly under my bed isn't such a good idea after all.
In other news -
I've messed up so many things recently, what's new right? But it feels like the mess ups are getting worse. Am I even learning from my mistakes???
From the birth giver to the friend, what in the world am I doing la sia.
Also, the resin smell is really getting to me. Can't have leaked that badly right??? Looks like I've got to clean out that drawer ASAP tomorrow.
So the birth giver is majorly upset at me - fine, I understand. The friend is also upset at me - also understand.
Clearly I'm doing a lot of things wrong for so many to be upset at me.
Just slowly accepting that I'm a horrible person but no must learn and become better.
How to become better? Even the gods have given up on me.
Okay no cannot be so salty towards the gods. I help myself first then I go the you okay.
So, how?
Oh my god the resin SMELL I SWEAR I WILL EXPIRE EARLY FROM THESE FUMES.
NO CHOY TOUCH WOOD.
Okay wait so how.
Next time learn to be patient, calm, collected when talking to the birth giver. Inform her of plans. Be patient. Be sure of self. (??)
Then next time, understand self and learn to say no. Aiyo. Honestly is pure self stupidity that led to this so is really all my fault la tsk.
I'm going to have such a shit ton of bad karma in this life.
"Happiness is an unachievable myth peddled by those who refuse to admit that the world's default state is misery" - exurb1a, Epsilon dies backwards
Why do we speak of those who choose to chase the neverending race of happiness as if they were fools and like we're on higher ground just because we acknowledge the misery that we're in and never escaping?
Why speak of it like it's wrong and fruitless?
Oh right, because life is ultimately misery after all.
Well you can have your higher knowledge of life's misery and not peddle in happiness then. I'd rather stay ignorant and seek small packets happiness where I can in life.
Maybe the point of this quote missed me. I don't know. But I'll keep peddling in what it calls a myth anyway.
No, I don't like this feeling. Hahahaha actually, it's just like that silly song lyric that goes hello darkness my old friend.
No, no. I'm being melodramatic. This feeling will pass eventually, when - I sure as hell hope it's before I leave for my dental appointment.
It's so stupid. Okay wait no. Cannot anyhow say stupid. Let's try to work this out.
Feeling sad/upset because someone else is feeling down and there's absolutely nothing I can do.
And nothing I say or do is helping or working. What if it's making things worse? Then if I were to just poof from contact.. Nope that's selfish and stupid too.
Maybe it's just the feeling of helplessness or, more bluntly - being useless.
Can't even find a job for the semester either. And I'm so damn broke. I can see the failure in life just charging at me full speed ahead.
But I digress.
I need to get out of this stupid feeling. Its heavy. And I absolutely hate it.
Okay. I don't really understand why I'm feeling like that la. Someone is sad therefore I am sad. I feel useless to the person feeling sad therefore I feel even more sad. I'm trying to maintain some decent level of cheer in desperate attempt to be useful to someone despite being upset which therefore makes me even more upset because.... Dissonance? I don't know.
Okay. Good summary though.
It feels like I'm going to lose something. No, not my mind, haha.
Is a brief moment of happiness better than nothing at all? I don't know, I'm kinda scared.
Grip hard, girl. And toss that stupid feeling out the window. Enough wallowing for the day.
Ridiculous insecurities aside, god this really is the month of 心事 isn't it?
I miss the little excitement I used to feel from even the smallest things. Walking in the sunshine, the touch the rain scented wind upon my face at 6am in the morning, blasting music and sketching furiously or plonking off tune piano keys repeatedly until a semblance of melody forms. Where did all these go?
My mind is blank. I can't draw. There's no inspiration or excitement to bring an image to life because there's none anymore. And the older I get, the worse it feels. No matter how many years I work at it, it's still not good. It's not excitement anymore, it's discontentment and disappointment.
What about that stubborn insistence that got me through music scores I never thought I'd finish? Did I just get lazy?
Why is my email not loading hello. Horrible.
But its okay. I'm slowly coming to accept that I will forever suck at all these. And that my work comp will never load my email @£#(=_%@+_#£!. But maybe if I try a little everyday again, I'll regain that little love and excitement for my art. If I explore more books and stop being so lazy to watch some actual shows (read: not tea/drama channels), I'll get that those little cogwheels turning again.
Plus, I have the violin now, so I really should practice.
Okay! Enough with the sombre and sulky attitude Er. You're just sulking because you've gotten so lazy good goddess. Tsk.
Back to work ~
Still trying to figure out why I feel sad. So I can sleep lol.
Maybe because at that moment it kind of snapped me back to the reality that someday things will eventually end?
Once school starts, that's it then. The brief moment of fun and happiness that cannot be put in hold will end, and all that will be left is another memory to slowly erase.
It just feels like everything is really for nothing at the end of the day if the person is going to leave eventually.
I'd rather not taste the happiness then.
I mean, I know it's probably just over thinking and stupid petty insecurities but today really felt as though you don't really care? Like, I know I'm wrong, I know I'm probably being overly sensitive. But it still feels as though I'm the only one being stupidly into this now. And I just hate what I'm turning into again like ffs.
Maybe people just busy today and I'm being petty and demanding la. Being so selfish. Tsk. Er. Snap out of your sissy world can anot.
Or maybe it's just the mood swings. Which I really want to share and just whine about. But I don't even think you'd bother about it. So there's no point, right? What's wrong with me. Can't even handle a little cramps alone.
I should just change the title of this blog to "Get a grip" since everytime I'm here I tell myself that.
Get a grip can.
Like being better at comforting people. How do people do that? I don't get it, but I wish I knew how.
Why does it still feel like I'm not good enough at anything. Is it just not enough effort. Am I not trying hard enough. Is that why. How to try harder. Idk. Maybe just meant to be a mediocre person in life bah. Everything also suck.
Really leh. I hate Sundays. I hate this whole shit. Can't even access my house toilet because dear guest-lady is over and they're, I don't know, sleeping late today?
Am I being angsty because I have to move again today or because of recent developments in life? I mean part of me knows the answer and ffs Er get a fucking grip. I don't like feeling this dependant and being this moody for no good reason.
Okay. The weather's good today, I have work to get done, and screw the budget I can eat grass the rest of the week. I refuse to stay like this on a beautiful Sunday.
Also, they're awake, yay. Nope I don't think I'll have brekkie with them, no thank you. My father's all yours lady.
Feels like I've been dreaming about keeping pets again a lot. Damnit I need my furballs again. Need to start scheming/planning when can I keep one again. Rabbit, dog, both, I don't care man I want some cuteness and fluff in my life again t.t
So my dad was asking me if my friend's father is about his age or older, and I replied, "He looks older, but everyone looks older than you so."
And this father of mine just let out a hearty "HAHAHA, of course HAHAHA!"
... My father. HAHA. The best natural combatant to aging is squash and running for 30 years.
There're definitely benefits to it.
But can I also say how sick I am of moving up and down.
Could be just poor (really poor) planning on my part. Probably.
But this is ridiculous la.
I just want to sit down with my pencils and paper for a day.
I supposed friends do articulate it better. The time and space to properly heal, why didn't that cross my mind? Thanks YL, haha, I really do feel better after talking to you.
Come to think of it, this is like code-switching isn't it haha, dominant langs and all.
Okay enough nerd, enough emo. Who knows who set the bridge on fire but what's done is done. Onwards, as YL said.
How are you supposed to respond when your mother's 心事 is to die early?
What are you supposed to say when your mother says she doesn't plan on being there for you after a certain age?
Nod and say, "Sure thing mom."?
Or maybe I'm just not mature enough to respond to her problems like a peer.
No. Because all I can do sit there and cry at the thought that my mom doesn't plan on being there for as long as possible.
Tsk Walao sibei angsty leh.
Tmr class at first say don't have, then later change and say have so now is 1-430pm.
Ya la. Is just me la. But I don't like such last min changes here and there like, make up your mind and tell me can? Don't last min want change here change there.
Doesn't help that sigh I've been eating so much recently, suddenly everyone I'm with wants to eat desserts and my fat self just can't say no so there we go extreme guilt is settling in.
I can't take it leh. I'm really hating my body right now. I don't like how it feels. I don't like it at all.
Need to drag myself out and feel healthier again. Really cannot take it. Everything feels horrible. My internal systems feel like dying everytime I ingest something sweet. Feel like hurling when I think about it.
Oh man. I don't like being like this la. I want to enjoy my food and life. Stop being so whiny and weak can anot Er.
I have never felt so much resistance, hatred and annoyance for one module as I have studying for this exam.
Less than 24 hrs before I get properly screwed by this mod.
One whole damn afternoon on one chapter? Something not right.
Why the hell is this chapter so long.
Walao eh.
I love Prof Starr. I really do. Her classes are really interesting.
But why.
Why oh why is it that every week when I look up at the clock after feeling like I've paid so much attention, it's only 15-20mins into her lesson.
I swear. I really love her class okay. Or more like her mod. But good hell her lessons always feel longer than an hour and half!
Okay, I should really be trying to pay more attention.
A persistent thought lingers at the back of my mind, murmuring to me at every waking moment that I'm not going to make it.
I can see all the deadlines and tests running at me like an elephant on a mad rampage, and it's pretty horrifying. Friday. I just need to hold out till Friday. Although I would love to finish that essay before Friday, at the rate I'm going, that's not going to happen.
...
Why is this guy standing so close to me on the train? It's not that crowded. Can he like, take on step to the left or something. I already taking this corner okay, can you get a sense of personal space and fk off a bit further.
Tsk. Angsty already.
Okay, that was rude, but I'm just going to leave it there since that was what went through my mind. Whatever. I'm not moving from my space. This corner is mine for the ride.
Oh well.
Must be more disciplined this week. And when everything is over and done with, I can finally sleep peacefully.
Studying for the finals is going to feel so much better after all this. Or at least, I hope it'll be.
Tues morning: Tutorial presentation.
Tues afternoon: Japanese 1 min presentation of which I have yet to memorise, and kaiwa of which I also have yet to memorise.
Wednesday: Japanese oral, the first part of which I have yet again to memorise
Thursday: Japanese finals. I haven't even done the webcast for the final lesson, need I say more? At least I'm done with the assignments for Contact class.
Friday: Bilingual essay due. Which I'm typing now but decided to take a mini break because I'm freaking hell panicking.
Dead, so dead this time.
I'm like, thoroughly heartbroken with this game okay I tell you.
Walao eh why! I don't want the last person standing to be this person!
My proudest, best and probably the only time I'll pull off a bomb like this.
I mean, he did give me a Queen too but hey, it's worth the two Kings!
Week 12, and we're (or at least I'm) still procrastinating hard.
We can do this!
P.S. Wow, angsty mood swing much over the weekends? Glad to be back to normal.
Is it mood swing, or am I just getting short tempered with the stress and everything?
Because I'm getting really really frustrated to the point of anger at being forced to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner for some reason. No, not the nice friend reminding me not to skip meals. That's being considerate. I'm thinking more of how my own plans for skipping dinner is being overrun by my dad's plans to keep feeding me.
I mean ya la, ungrateful much, Er? Your parents love and care for you so much.
But good lord and goddess I'm going to gain so much weight at this rate. Is that what this is about?
Meh. I had plans for a nice long run later today to the seaside too. Wonder if that'll ever come to fruition.
Beer??? In the morning? Good hell these men are weird.
Dad, I really can't hold my breath for much longer and the guy next to us is just puffing out second hand smoke like hogwarts express. I really don't want to ruin my lungs on top of everything else.
Good goddess he just snubbed the damn cigarette. Which would be great if the can wasn't so close to me. DADDY HURRY UP WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING ON THE PHONE CAN ANOT I WANT TO GO HOME AND DIE.
Wah they really drinking beer leh. YES YES. What? Go Sheng siong? Daddy I want to go home.
Buy stuff to cook for lunch? I have no appetite anymore leh.
To be honest I don't have the mood or energy for anything anymore. I don't know if it's school or what, but I give up.
I can't do it anymore.
Wow that took a turn real quick.
Okay bye.
Why am I waking up with headaches everyday? It was a good sleep what. Nice, slightly interrupted but still good. It's not like the sun's shining death in my face, so there's really no reason for the headache.
Dreamt of Leslie's class again. This is insane, look, I love his teaching but his classes are absolute nightmares. I really don't need it in my dreams.....
After my mind became full awake, I checked and yup, still mad at myself. This is horrible. I know I'm just making things difficult for myself and stirring up self drama at this point which really needs to stop but I'm not really sure how.
I thought I knew how to clear the mind of bad thoughts, but I guess I don't. So err what now?
Yeah, I think so.
Hello, left hand. You're supposed to be getting better. Why the sudden strain again? I need you for my last push before we break for the exams.
I appreciate being able to play my instruments again, but is it too much to ask for you to get better and not have weird strains again ^.^"
Annoying sia. But okay, it is getting better so I don't complain so much.
Yesterday the bus took so long to come.
Today the bus come earlier.
Both also miss la.
Walao eh.
I know la, cannot ask so much from bus right. Don't be so ji jiao right. But walao eh.
Just nice I really need to take that bus leh.
Today is just a bad day la.
I know she doesn't mean anything by it, and it's also my fault for not doing more for the facilitation, but what...? I mean.
Gah. Forget it.
Let's just have a decent facilitation and get it over with.
This. This is not a very good morning okay. 为何这样呢。
First. In the Liar phone game, the guy I had to call out was like, my second favorite in the game!!!!! Voltage how can you do this to me T.T
I was so heartbroken during the train ride to school. Heartbroken I tell you. Even the alternate ending where she ends up with him was enough. Good hell I hope she doesn't end up with the other guy, he's so cocky, arrogant and annoying.
Then after that, when I reached the bus stop at Buona, I took out my phone to check for bus 95's timing (it was 9.08am) only to see that it'll only arrive in like, 12 (?) minutes.
Walao. Then macam I come school normal time no meh. Also not much time to print notes. Why they like that. Annoying leh.
Then, just as the bus arrived, I got a message from my Japanese language classmate. Asking about the date of the final test. I replied, "I think it's week 13" but just I sent it, she continued saying that the notes uploaded for tmr's lecture said its next week.
I'm just.
Next week???? Nonono not happening.
What?!
Oh come on!
It's got to be a typo. Please. Please be a typo.
Sigh. Definitely not the best way to start the morning.
On the bright side, at least I'm awake and not out dead tired!
会話を覚えないとけど。。。ぐだぐだすぎる。
寝たいなあ。どうするの？
I may need to sleep for a whole week straight when this is over with. Why do I do this to myself? The struggle is so real.
There was a week Charlene asked me when my hell week was. I didn't bother checking, I mean, on hindsight I probably should have.
I think I've found it. Yay! Isn't that wonderful. Now what?
I think 今晩プロッジェクト終わらないと。。。でもたぶんできないと思うなあ。
とにかく、頑張ってね!
To be honest, I'm trying really, really hard to convince myself that I'm not hungry.
I didn't have breakfast or dinner today, and it's really too late have eat a full meal now. I ate some biscuits to try and quell the hunger pangs but I think all that did was activate the stomach ><.
Would love to knock out and sleep now. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, ended up sleeping at 5am because of the damn mosquito and had to get up at 9am.
But no, I still have slides to do, essay to write and Japanese dialogue to memorise.
All I really want to do is just lie down and sleep though.
Sleep is for the privileged few who have no more assignments to rush T.T Sadly, I'm not one of them. By my own fault of course, sigh. Wherefore art thou, time management skills?
Shu xin and I went a little crazy doing EL 2111's project today though, which was pretty hilarious xD. We were both so tired but pushing through that we started quoting Shakespeare to each other. Even on the way home in the train, what has EL done to us?
I found my favorite line in Shakespeare, or lines maybe. I swear, the part we chose for analysis is amazing HAHA.
1243: And will you rent our ancient love asunder
To join with men, in scorning your poor friend?
I don't remember the line number of the next one, but here goes:
I am amazed at your words. I scorn you not. It seems that you scorn me.
I don't know if I've remembered them accurately, or if I've spelt them right since this project is messing with my spelling oops.
I guess we've entered the somewhat dark side of historical linguistics huh?
Can you believe it? I chose to study this xD.
It's 3.35am and I'm going to bed only because I have to be in school tomorrow to complete another project. I mean, I would continue doing this project, hell, I would totally just go at it non-stop if I didn't have to go to school tomorrow.
The coffee must have been pretty powerful for me to still be okay to go on sia. But unfortunately, I need to be awake tomorrow. So. Sleep it is.
I honestly still have no idea how I'm going to structure this research paper. I feel really bad that my prof will have to read it T.T I don't even know like half the terms I'm using, or attempting to use!
At least, one pragmatic meaning down and five(?) more to go.
Not that this was a bad dream, or that I've never had worse but this was definitely not a good way to wake up.
Dreamt that everyone was talking about some lego (lego?!) homework that I wasn't aware of and I wanted to look at it so badly but apparently then sun was shining so brightly that I couldn't see (blame the sun in real life for shining on my face, I want to change my bed's position!) so I tried ridiculously hard to open my eyes and see something (actually come to think of it, I was sleeping so no wonder cannot open eyes) but nooooo could barely see anything until I finally realized I was dreaming and forced myself to wake up. (and that is one whole sentence~)
Which means I have a headache now sigh.
I want to sleep more.
Eh you know, somehow even in my dreams, Adam's the only person who'll help me when I'm in trouble. I should meet up with him again once this mess of a semester is over and see how he's doing. I miss having him around in class sia.
Okay, I should do some work after breakfast to feel less guilty about it.
Sigh. Really glad I got reminded of this place. Otherwise, I'll end up bothering my friend with my useless, mindless chatter. At least here it'll just be me entertaining myself huhuhu.
So like, seductive collarbones?
I swear that's what the story wrote.
Collarbones? Seductive?
The writer sure has some weird fetishes.
In the end, I chose to sleep, but the moment I laid down this is what I started doing.
Er ah, Er. Where is your discipline?
Anyway. Unspeakable fury? You're not alone in that my dear.
Confess already can?
Tonight is a night of natural wonders indeed, for the gorgeous, yellow moon has graced my night with its presence.
Although, since my fascination is with the sky, perhaps this may seem simple and mundane to others.
Nonetheless, it hangs low in the sky, its quiet yellow hue contrasted by the dull, grey blue sky.
And yet, it's the most majestic thing I've seen all month.
Okay dinner time!
I noticed it the moment I stepped out of the mall.
The sky, usually a bright, soft blue, was now overcast. I stopped in my tracks, stood and lifted my face to the clouds.
The wind carried with it a hint of rain, just a tiny bit, but after years of searching and sniffing for the rain, its scent was unmistakable.
The words 'overcast' and 'gloomy' usually go hand and hand, but it felt anything but.
It was one of those moments, you know? The kind that only the sky can create by just being itself.
The kind that makes me feel happy to just be alive in that moment.
雨が来るよ。
Okay I promise, I swear to myself I'll stop after this. I really need go do some work before... Work... Heh.
What is wrong with this second male lead? Running everywhere to every girl but the one he loves and the one that loves him!
Can they all just.... get it together and happily ever after?! I need to get on with my life and stop chasing his dumb drama sobs.
I should really stop, I have work to do. But this is really addictive!
The woman in this story is so freaking messed up like hello, priorities?
Or just plain selfish, actually.
Wrong her own cousin and end up forcing her into some arranged marriage then cause her to fall out with the guy she really likes, but still more concerned that she won't be able to get close to the other guy if she tells the truth and apologizes???
I feel like I've been saying this alot recently, but GET A GRIP GIRL.
Are you serious?
That's what you're upset about??
Not being able to act as his lover???
Hello, woman your priorities fly until where already?
Oh! The translator thought the same too! I'M NOT ALONE IN MY JUDGEMENTS.
Not mine, Jie's convocation was yesterday.
Which was really cool, like I can't wait till I get to wear that too!
Or scratch that, wearing that means my days as a student is over and that's really scary.
The highlight, anyway, was the family photo and dinner that night!!!
Now, I could totally get all emotional and teary over how it showed me the things I should have but I don't. But I have a choice to be just ultra happy that it happened and while it is super tempting to fall back into the abyss of sorrow, I shall strive to remain in the warmth of happiness ~.
It was so great and so so so special to have a meal together as a family again. Not that I'd ever want them to get together again, hell no that's a terrible idea. But finally they weren't awkward with each other. The power of my sister's graduation is amazing. XD
I read somewhere that happy families are all alike, but unhappy families are different in their own ways or what not.
I think happy families are happy in their own ways too.
I'm seriously so tired and sick of myself right now. -.-
For goodness sake, it's almost like I'm back to the secondary school age emotionally. -.-
Good lord is this what one lousy breakup does to me? It's amazing my mom got through what she did.
What am I clinging on to?
I'm sick of being so unhappy all the time la.
I just want more than 3 years of feeling normal and happy, is it too much to ask for seriously.
Yeah yeah, smile and the world smiles with you. But smile at what, my misery? Hah. I can at least laugh at that, maybe.
What's wrong with you la girl. Can you wake up or not.
The sun has yet to rise, and the air is cool ^^. Weather like that makes everything feel better!
Aiya very depressing la okay scroll insta see everyone so happy with life and everything like ya I know insta only show the happy sides of their life right but I don't even have photos of happy sides of life now???
All those Oh you're back by my side babe and shit ya totally sour grapes here but srsly zzz it's damn sien to scroll and be happy for them because you know you shouldn't sour grapes but damn it I want nice plump sweet grapes too!
And I know I told myself I will never say fml because life is good as long as you look for it but screw this shit ugh I should I happy with my life but I'm not like what is wrong with me whyyy.
K bye lol -.-
I just feel like crying these days when I'm on my way home. I don't know if it's just because I'm not handling my time and everything correctly or because I really made a mistake.
I'm just really scared
I had so much fun today that I didn't want it to end! I wish I could have it all over again, every single minute and moment of it. ^^
Ya cos like, ever since secondary school, I kind of don't get invited for anything anymore.
Sounds so ridiculous but really.
Like, in lower sec, one of the girls had a gathering to celebrate her birthday at East coast Park and like almost all the girls were there, including my, I guess clique? But obviously I wasn't.
So apparently something big happened, along the lines of some girl getting rejected by a guy and they were quietly buzzing about it, including my clique, but I was so out of the loop.
Which is a pretty lonely feeling.
Fast forward to seven years later, where I casually check Instagram and I notice my classmates meeting up and posting photos of it every now and then.
It's a small group of them, but still.
Because I was supposedly closer to them at the start? Or so I thought anyway.
Special birthday posts for them. Random meet ups. All of which just doesn't happen to me.
And it's not like I should be jealous or envious or anything, since I do like staying home by myself too and meeting up with them usually feels weird because I can't follow what they're talking about.
Even so, it feels kinda sad. And lonely.
That even after so many years, nothing much has changed. I'm still sitting on the other side looking over enviously, wondering why am I not there too.
It's amazing how a whole train of thought can go through your mind in literally a split second.
Just moments ago, I dropped one of my sister's favourite necklace on the escalator just as it was about to end. I quickly picked it up and got off the escalator without damaging the necklace or hurting myself.
Sounds normal enough right?
Immediately after, however, my hands began trembling a little because of what went through my mind and how many emotions I felt within that second.
"Necklace dropped?"
Image of myself putting the necklace in my bag and the reason I did so flashed in my mind.
Brain registered that it's my sister's (favourite) necklace.
Instant panic.
Brain screamed, "JIE'S NECKLACE OHMYGOD SHE WILL KILL ME!!!"
Image of my sister being very upset when she finds out flashed quickly.
Brain also registered that if it goes in, the necklace is history.
Body moved by itself working with the hand and legs to pick up the necklace and step off the escalator without tripping.
HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF.
At that moment, I definitely reacted faster than usual. It was like an unknown force just pushed my down to grab it and move. Is this what desperation feels like?
Anyhow, together with the bad photo submission for my student card, this promises to be a good start to the day. =/
I've said this before so many times and I'll say it again.
I'm so not going to touch Mcfries anymore. Ugh that feeling in your stomach after that is just so terrible. For me at least, anyway. It's McCorn if I order a meal next time. XD
Okay okay, unless it's a shaker. Maybe then I'll reconsider. Because seaweed shaker rocks.
It's just a stupid game but I feel so goddamn demoralized from freaking constantly losing cos I've been losing to everyone since like the beginning of time and I just suck at everything and I really hate it like tell me how to enjoy myself when I'm constantly dying even though I'm trying but obviously not enough because I'm still freaking dying and losing in the stupid game like 5-8 freaking times to get a Vista what the freak I'm like world's greatest loser and fail for getting that dumb Vista and every single damn time they want to pvp I always lose like why what the hell and Oh of course I find that do fun, being pounded over again and again of course that's entertaining but of course that's my problem again because I didn't learn well or try hard enough well I'm stupid anyway and I suck in life and I'm dumb so it doesn't really matter now does it and I had a point here I forgot where I was going with this ugh whatever I suck at that stupid game and I'm angry and upset so whatever
It's so hard.
Going through wave after wave of conflicting emotions, tearing uncontrollably, then furiously blinking them all back.
Yet nothing I do will bring her back.
Why is it that those sec school kids can afford a llao llao each on their own while the only times I have ever eaten them are when I'm sharing with a friend and they can be eating that kinda pricey yogurt but I'm trying to find cheap dinners why
Pretty tired right now, so I'm tucked into bed and slowly closing my eyes when my sister's piano music drifts into my room.
Gave me a really nostalgic feeling and flashback to a really long time ago when I would be just waking up from naps in the room to the sound of my sister's playing.
From the dim lighting in my room, to the light under my door and the soft playing of music, it's been so long since I last had my sister's music gently wake me, or in this case, lull me to sleep.
Long sentence Oops.
Goodnight.
Is it like, there's no other option unless I wholly agree with your beliefs? Can there be no compromise?
What does this mean then, I can't talk about my beliefs because you don't like it or believe in it? I can't even share what I feel is important to me with you?
Why am I doing this anyway then. When you expect me to be perfectly open towards yours but you are so closed minded towards mine.
Too many reality shocks and realisations today. Hearing it and knowing it to be true is just depressing, and it makes you judge every life decision you made up till this day.
Painful as it was, it was a well needed wake up call and I'm glad to have had it. Everything that I was feeling was put into words and finally didn't feel unfounded.
It's tough, and it will be even more so in the future. But when it's time to cross that bridge, I can, and I will.
I can't remember where I read this. But I really wish I did because I think I really need it again.
So many 'I' in that paragraph.
Something along the lines "Learn to recognise those feelings and detach yourself from it"
Nowhere near positive sounding, huh? In fact now that I'm reading it again, it sounds terrible! Emotional detachment? Seriously?
Maybe that's why I'm such a horrible person. Hmm...
But well, it helped when I needed it to. I mean, it stopped me from entering mindless crushes.. (no offense but well I didn't want to crush on anyone then and it totally helped keep it in check). Helped when I got jealous or angry.
Special exceptions to those moments when detachment just wasn't possible Oops.
Like... It let me step back and examine those feelings as neutrally as possible. Why am I feeling jealous or angry? Why do I feel inclined to that person?
Although more often than not I'd step back, or run as far as possible, before throwing that feeling away to settle down my emotions.
I know, I know. Running away! The coward's way out! DISHONOUR!
I can hear it all man. 'Learn to control your emotions, running away isn't the answer. One day it'll catch up with you and you'll have to face it eventually. Stand and confront those feelings and make peace with yourself!'
And so on and so forth. Right? Right??
But right now, I really need to stop those demons from getting hold of me again.
Yeah I'm a pretty terrible person.
When will I ever learn to be a better person, be less selfish, less angsty and less stupid!
Okay that last one. Idk mann.
Alright maybe less judgemental.
Oh well I guess... 2016 goals?
HAH. As if that would ever happen
So like I'm walking to the mrt using the new business school and it passes through some part of the engineering school.
So there's this window which I can look in and see some guys doing some work inside the lab and they noticed me looking.
And like obviously these people already planned it because they had placards on their table and quickly held it up pointing at me and giving heart signs?!
It was freaking funny cos the signs said stuff like 'dating 9.5/10'
'you look great today' and stuff and stuff and it was damn funny so I just laughed and like thumbs up them.
The kind of thing that only exists in animes!
